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I don't know how to move forward - trying and failing

S

supercanary

New member
Joined
Aug 3, 2018
Messages
4
Hi all,

I'm new here and I just feel like I need to talk my issues through somewhere and get some help from people who may know how this all feels.

I don't really know where to start. This same kind of thing has been happening my whole life and I've tried my hardest to get rid of it but it still comes back. I'm 38.

At the moment I feel really anxious. Its been triggered by a girl at work that I have developed an attraction towards. I occasionally get to spend some social time with her as part of a group, but I really like her and its on my mind all the time.

I know its ok to like someone. But its so painful to me inside. I should just ask her out - easy right? Then I'd know. But I can't do it. Something inside just stops me. I can't stop feeling like I'm not good enough for her, why would a girl like that like me. Etc. I know these are things lots of people feel, but I can't get rid of it.

Ok so maybe its better if I try and make friends with her, get to know her that way right? So Ive been making sure I sign up to all the work outings. Getting to know the people who she is friends with a bit better. Making myself more marketable, trying to focus on dressing well, going to the gym more, being outdoors more. I'm doing all the right things, but still I worry. Like things aren't happening fast enough. For example if i attend a work night out its great, but next day Im depressed. I didn't want it to end. I like the feeling of being part of it but then its over and I'm back to being on my own again. I crave the feeling of being part of something like that, all the time. It's almost like I crave that feeling fed directly into my brain.

On the surface I have a reasonable life but I'm not happy. I have grown up very shy and I'm awkward around people, even though I'm polite, active, etc. I can't 'banter' with people. I grew up with a small circle of friends and I only have a small circle of people I consider close now. But I don't know if they are friends really. I don't seem to be able to make the same close friendships with people that others seem to have. I hang around with people, I go on work outings etc, but I'm on the fringe. I don't think it would really matter, to them, if I was there or not. I'm not the popular one that everyone wants to be around. I don't know why I can't make close friends. Particularly with girls.

I'm a shy person. Im an introvert but with a screaming extrovert inside that wants to get out but can't.

I don't really know what I want. I think I want to be popular and fun and to be attractive to other people, but if I was to find someone I love, I kinda then just want to lock myself away and have that person and that feeling of connection forever and hold on to it. I don't know if I'm explaining it very well.

I also think I am chasing all the time. This girl at work, I like her, so I started signing up to all the work events to get closer to her. Why did it take this girl to trigger me doing that, why didn't I have an interest in the work events before? Ive hardly seen any of my old mates because to be totally honest I feel that they are not going to help me get what I want. I want more than they can offer. Its like I need to be continually wiping the slate clean, starting fresh to somehow get me into where I want to be. Its no wonder I feel alone.

I don't know how to start to disentangle the way I behave, how I feel, and my world view. Ive tried counciling before when Ive been very depressed and it helped but its very expensive. I don't think I'm depressed right now, and Ive been to some councilling sessions when I've felt how I feel now and it hasn't really helped.

I'd really like some help but I don't really know what I'm looking for. Maybe just a discussion to help me understand why I feel like I do and what things I can do to change it.
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

Well-known member
Moderator
Joined
Jan 4, 2013
Messages
9,892
Location
England
Hi,
Welcome to the forum
Sorry you suffer with anxiety, good plan become friends with her and her friends.
In time she may ask you out. If not ask her.
You are good enough for her.
Have you ever had any therapy for your anxiety?
Good luck and do let us know how things go.
Here to listen too.
Take care
 
S

supercanary

New member
Joined
Aug 3, 2018
Messages
4
Thanks for the reply.

I have had councilling over a number of years for both depression and anxiety but its taken many forms.

I was married but to an abusive woman. I wasn't happy and was subconsiously looking for a way out. I found someone at work attractive and got to know them over a period of time. I became infatuated with her. I tried my best not to be weird at work becaue I was very self conscious about being that obsessive weirdo that everyone knows about. Ended up asking her out but she said no. But it left me suffering terrible anxiety. I would wake in the morning and be physically sick. I could hardly eat.

She left, and her disappearance helped. Its awful really, that her leaving (which wasn't due to me) was necessary for me to stop obsessing over her. I had left my wife by this point.

I first got councilling when I started to become extremely frightened of dying in my sleep. There was no reason for it, but I would wake panicing in the night. Since then I have had councilling on and off every time things get really bad.

I have learned to control it alot over the years. And Ive been putting myself out there alot more, social events, fitness etc. But despite this I still feel alone. Even when I'm with people I feel alone, because I haven't developed a strong connection with anyone.

I did meet a girl online dating who I have just broke up with a few months ago. At first it was really good and I was happy, but then we ran into difficulties. She wanted more children and I wasn't able to commit to that because I had my kids at weekends and she lived about 50 miles away. We stayed together I think because we were both lonely.

I was falsely accused of hurting my children (10 and 9) by my ex wife and the kids have now turned against me (textbook parental alienation), so I no longer see them either. This left me heartbroken for most of last year.

This year, Ive started to try and put myself out there again as I described. It feels horrible in my mind that the loss of the kids has had to happen in order for me to start to have a social life again. Part of me now wants to keep the social life rather than go back to how things were. Its horrible.

My life is just such a mess. Im resilient inside, but why can't I have the life I see other people have. Other people had a wife, kids, nice house, a laugh at work, flirt with girls who aren't their wife, attend socials. Its not that Im jealous of this, but why can't I get this 'normal' life?
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

Well-known member
Moderator
Joined
Jan 4, 2013
Messages
9,892
Location
England
Hi,
Sorry you've had such a difficult live, I know we all crave the normal life.
It isn't fair that we can't have it.
Hope life improves for you very soon, you deserve a break.
So sorry about your children, you must miss them terribly.
Take care
 
S

supercanary

New member
Joined
Aug 3, 2018
Messages
4
I don't want to feel sorry for myself for the things that have happened in my life. I just want to move forward in a positive way. But I see things repeating themselves. Eg being attracted to 'popular' girls. Its more about how they make me feel than anything else.

I think I also have a bit of a superhero complex, if that is such a thing. I find myself attracted to girls who i think need 'saving'. In the past I have found myself imagining events like me saving people from a gunman at work. I have also imagined my funeral and what people might be saying about me.

These things aren't normal but I don't know how to get rid of them.
 
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