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i don't know how to fight this.

T

tronix

New member
Joined
Mar 14, 2015
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In november 2013 i went back to my country to visit my friends and family. (i always had a tendency to love and respect more my friends rather my parents who were really annoying sometimes)
I was going there happy to surprise my best friend and hang around as much as i could with her, but she didn't have the same idea i guess, the 3rd night we went out she started a conversation about the past and she brought up ridiculous complains from a period of the past 9 years.
The next few days were horrible since other friends got involved and everything was fucked by the time i left to come back to where i live. i lost her and another 3 friends subsequently since our lives were like 90210 and everyone chose sides. some people remained with me and I'm sorry to say but i would trade everyone so i can have my friend back. i loved her very much. a love that seemed to me platonic, i was her mom her sister not just a friend. my soul mate.
i cried everyday for a long time and still hadn't realised we don't talk anymore. she excluded me from everything even the social media and for ridiculous reasons caused all that. i was there for her always, not just me but my mom my dad and more importantly my sister. who throughout the years mentioned that we don't really match as friends because i had a broader horizon and social spirit.
It felt as if i could not be used anymore. here i think i should mention that i was always kinda smarter one step ahead, helping her study ,solve problems at home, with her stupid boyfriend with the university, drive her around.
She was another daughter to my parents ate, lived in my house for the past 5 years we were closer.
Point is: one and a half year later i am diagnosed with depression and they want to give me pills to calm me down. when ever i go back home i can't sleep and when i do i see her in my dreams
One day i think i saw her at our past uni she didn't see me but she knew i was there, i read her lips, she didn't say hello.
Now my depression started affecting my relationship because I'm always nervous angry and never in the mood for anything.i haven't listened to music since 2 Novembers ago. 2 years past and i don't remember living it, still i don't know how to search in me to let it go. if i let it go i think ill die.
i dont understand why i react like this. I've had friends who lost heart friends and they didn't give a fuck about it.
The situation stopped me from living my life, normal processes i can't function anymore. some days i think that if i was dead then she would realise what she did and what she lost and she would suffer the rest of her life for it.
i kept a calendar for the doctors. out of 30 days 20 i have nausea,mania,nerves,anxiety,can't concentrate,i cry , my heart is running ,I'm tired, migraines, i wake up at 4:25. have shivers, never in the mood for anything, i destroyed my teeth because sleeping and awake i gnash em. suicidal thoughts every day every opportunity.
Dont wanna see anyone, don't wanna talk. not even my bf my mom or sister.
i didn't choose this. no one asked me if i wanted to live my life like that. it piled up slowly to depression and now I'm scared. i wished lobotomy existed, or a bus hit me , anything. i wish i didn't feel this emptiness. not sad but not happy not even "alright"
if you see me as a third person , you know that i shouldn't feel like that. i have the best parents in the world , my 9 year relationship, ill get married soon, my doggy my shitload of friends, roof and food every day, my job. my masters, no reason to be sad at all.
But i want my friend back... not stupid as she came out to be. i want the time to go back and that November to never have travelled to surprise her.
everyone keeps explaining to me that i have to search in me, i don't get it at all.
search in me what? the fact that i didn't want this to happen?
to accept this? what?
 
Last edited:
E

Eigau

Guest
Hi tronix, and welcome to the forum. I sense the emptiness you feel from the loss of your friend. The depression will be affecting your view of it too, making it feel worse. I want to encourage you to nurture your existing friendships. Friendships are a bit like gardening all the plants need care and attention. Stay busy in your garden and in time the pain of loss and emptiness you feel, will be rewarded by your efforts to care and nurture your garden. Take care,

Te
 
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