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I don't know how to deal with myself anymore

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Grayday

New member
Joined
Dec 28, 2021
Messages
2
Location
Europe
Hello! I am a female university student and I'm 20 years old.I came here because I have a really bad self esteem, low confidence and no trust in myself. I feel like I'm not capable of living this life. I don't know what my goals are anymore. I have troubles making decisions (even very unimportant ones). But the major problem currently is my university. I feel like I am not capable of succesfully completing it. I cannot concentrate and I usually can't even bring myself to start doing work for it because I am so anxious (the fear of screwing up is paralysing). To cope with it I avoid everything connected to college (even classmates). I know that's not helpful and it's stupid and ignorant and it only increases the anxious feelings but I'm not sure how to stop doing that. I feel like the only thing that keeps me from being depressed are my friends and my family (when I'm with them I feel relaxed and I laugh - but maybe it's just a distraction because I only feel guilty later for feeling good because I don't think I deserve to feel good). When I do think about college and try to study I usualy cry and feel really stressed and then I just distract myself. I am really worried for my future. I also have frequent mood swings (that's why I avoid getting help from a therapist) - I am really afraid that they would judge me and they wouldn't believe me, because sometimes I don't even believe myself until it all hits me again. And I fear that they would just send me home saying that I'm just a spoiled idiot, that I have no right to feel that way because I have everything I need and I should just get my shit together without complaining to others. When I think of it it's probably true and that's when I get a bit passively suicidal because I don't want to be a dissapointment to my parents and my friends and the last thing I want is being a burden to anyone. I fear that If I fail college I would lose my friends and support from family and like I would be one step closer to wanting to commit suicide. I want to be and act resposible, and independent but I have no energy or motivation. This must all sound so pathetic, I apologise in advance. I want to show myself and others that I am capable but it feels like I am just stopping myself and creating a never ending cycle of shame and regret. I am really aware of all the things that I am doing wrong, I'm also too sensitive, a people pleaser and I'm too attached to my parents (it's almost like I'm waiting for their orders for everything like they will do everything right while I on my own will screw everything up)...I just want to break free from these limiting thoughts that keep me from living a life where I would be fine with myself and secure.I actually feel like I had some mental issues as a child too. I had problems with sleeping - when I was around 10 years old and I had been getting out of bed 2 - 8 times per evening and I was driving my parents crazy with that. They did't believe me that I was really anxious and didn't feel well and we never reached for help. Instead we fought every day. Every morning I felt ashamed, embarased and guilty. I would promise my parents that I won't do this again (keeping them awake and complaining) and then in the evening I got anxious again and I did it again and broke my "promise" and felt bad again...and so the morning came back and the story repeated itself...all I can remember is that I felt sooo bad and had to hide my cried out eyes and pretend that all was fine in front of others because of the shame, every single day for a couple of years. I stopped doing that once I went to high school and started using phone before bed and being super exhaused so I instantly feel asleep. I don't blame my parents tho for not being too helpful and screaming at me because I believe it's hard to understand these problems to someone who never experienced them...the only thing that bothers me is that I was still a little kid, I don't understand why would anyone think I was keeping them awake for no reason. To wrap things up a bit more positively: I do have passion which is actually completely unrelated to my college and that makes me even more confused. I do try to earn my own money so I don't have to ask my parents for it. I am grateful for all that I have (loving family, friends and pets) I am just afraid I would lose it all. I am trying to be a kind and compassionate and emphatetic person and I don't want to let anybody down.I really hope I could get an advice for how to fix the mess I made out of myself...do you think I should go to therapy or should I just keep fighting on my own? Thank you in advance.
 
O

Orangeade

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 23, 2021
Messages
1,686
Location
England
Hello! I am a female university student and I'm 20 years old.I came here because I have a really bad self esteem, low confidence and no trust in myself. I feel like I'm not capable of living this life. I don't know what my goals are anymore. I have troubles making decisions (even very unimportant ones). But the major problem currently is my university. I feel like I am not capable of succesfully completing it. I cannot concentrate and I usually can't even bring myself to start doing work for it because I am so anxious (the fear of screwing up is paralysing). To cope with it I avoid everything connected to college (even classmates). I know that's not helpful and it's stupid and ignorant and it only increases the anxious feelings but I'm not sure how to stop doing that. I feel like the only thing that keeps me from being depressed are my friends and my family (when I'm with them I feel relaxed and I laugh - but maybe it's just a distraction because I only feel guilty later for feeling good because I don't think I deserve to feel good). When I do think about college and try to study I usualy cry and feel really stressed and then I just distract myself. I am really worried for my future. I also have frequent mood swings (that's why I avoid getting help from a therapist) - I am really afraid that they would judge me and they wouldn't believe me, because sometimes I don't even believe myself until it all hits me again. And I fear that they would just send me home saying that I'm just a spoiled idiot, that I have no right to feel that way because I have everything I need and I should just get my shit together without complaining to others. When I think of it it's probably true and that's when I get a bit passively suicidal because I don't want to be a dissapointment to my parents and my friends and the last thing I want is being a burden to anyone. I fear that If I fail college I would lose my friends and support from family and like I would be one step closer to wanting to commit suicide. I want to be and act resposible, and independent but I have no energy or motivation. This must all sound so pathetic, I apologise in advance. I want to show myself and others that I am capable but it feels like I am just stopping myself and creating a never ending cycle of shame and regret. I am really aware of all the things that I am doing wrong, I'm also too sensitive, a people pleaser and I'm too attached to my parents (it's almost like I'm waiting for their orders for everything like they will do everything right while I on my own will screw everything up)...I just want to break free from these limiting thoughts that keep me from living a life where I would be fine with myself and secure.I actually feel like I had some mental issues as a child too. I had problems with sleeping - when I was around 10 years old and I had been getting out of bed 2 - 8 times per evening and I was driving my parents crazy with that. They did't believe me that I was really anxious and didn't feel well and we never reached for help. Instead we fought every day. Every morning I felt ashamed, embarased and guilty. I would promise my parents that I won't do this again (keeping them awake and complaining) and then in the evening I got anxious again and I did it again and broke my "promise" and felt bad again...and so the morning came back and the story repeated itself...all I can remember is that I felt sooo bad and had to hide my cried out eyes and pretend that all was fine in front of others because of the shame, every single day for a couple of years. I stopped doing that once I went to high school and started using phone before bed and being super exhaused so I instantly feel asleep. I don't blame my parents tho for not being too helpful and screaming at me because I believe it's hard to understand these problems to someone who never experienced them...the only thing that bothers me is that I was still a little kid, I don't understand why would anyone think I was keeping them awake for no reason. To wrap things up a bit more positively: I do have passion which is actually completely unrelated to my college and that makes me even more confused. I do try to earn my own money so I don't have to ask my parents for it. I am grateful for all that I have (loving family, friends and pets) I am just afraid I would lose it all. I am trying to be a kind and compassionate and emphatetic person and I don't want to let anybody down.I really hope I could get an advice for how to fix the mess I made out of myself...do you think I should go to therapy or should I just keep fighting on my own? Thank you in advance.
Welcome! Thank you for sharing and nothing you have said at all pathetic. Sometimes the way we feel i.e anxious or depressed doesnt need a reason, even if we have great friends and family around. I think you not wanting to seek help and dealing with it, is maybe due to the fact you dont want to disappoint your parents how you think you did when you was little. My mother wasnt often like this and refused to get help for me, it was my father that eventually did! I deffo feel you could benefit from talking to a therapist! Dont be scared to talk, its there job to listen. Maybe some anxiety medication would help! Sending you love and always here to talk with you!
 
Manicotti

Manicotti

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 1, 2021
Messages
341
Location
Montana
Ditto what Orangeade said, and welcome to the forum!
 
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Sarabi_Gyarados

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 20, 2019
Messages
333
Location
UK
You've got incredible self insight and all you've mentioned is very common and normal. You've put a lot of pressure on yourself. There's no reason why you'll fail. But also, failure like success is part of life. I feel you'll grow into your confidence. It takes time.
 
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runescape

New member
Joined
Jan 12, 2022
Messages
4
Location
The West
Grayday,
I feel lucky to have found your post. I am a 20 year old male who is also struggling through university. I experience waves of terror and hopelessness in which I am truly 100% convinced that I am unable to finish my degree.

Some background: I study economics and statistics. I have a B/B+ GPA, but have withdrawn from/retaken a handful of classes due to pre-exam panic attacks. These negative feelings have been exacerbated, almost totally engendered, by the switch to totally online classes in Fall 2020. Spending 10+ hours a day in my office space made me feel wholly disconnected from reality, and existentially anxious about my thus far simulated academic and professional future. With this said, I have had known underlying depressive/anxious traits for some time. This past Fall semester, I had a 2 day stretch containing 4 midterm examinations approaching me and in a depressive episode I withdrew from every last class, as well as all of my winter classes starting this month. Leading up to dropping my classes, I had periodically (too much so) ignored my responsibilities as even opening my leaning portal or email would cause my heart to start pounding. Like you said, I was literally paralyzed by fear. As of now I plan on returning in the Fall of 2022, when classes should be back in person.

Since dropping this semester, I began talk therapy and have a psych evaluation in the works. Therapy is hard for me because I feel as if I say things I don't really mean, or that I'm 'making it up'. What's important to realize though is that these feelings are just another facet of anxious/depressive habits, another materialization of self-doubt. The process of working up against the fear of rejection to go talk to somebody openly is the same process that you will one day employ to again work passionately on your studies. I cannot recommend pursuing therapy enough, even just as a way to prove to yourself that you can do things that make you similarly anxious to school.
 
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runescape

New member
Joined
Jan 12, 2022
Messages
4
Location
The West
If you wish to talk more about university specifically, I am happy to DM. I would be pleased to be able to talk to another student (precisely my age) pseudonymously. You can tell me about what you study, what classes specifically worry you, or anything else. University is a topic I search the forums for but don't always find lots.
PS: I made this account to be able to respond to your thought provoking OP
PPS: I didn't touch on this in my last post, but I also get vague suicidal feelings from the prospect of failing uni, I'm sorry the same is true for you
Again, feel free to respond here or in DMs
 
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Grayday

New member
Joined
Dec 28, 2021
Messages
2
Location
Europe
@runescape Oh thank you so much for the detailed response! I feel a bit more validated, because since I started googling my problems I am only 1000× more confused about everything...I totaly feel you - everything you mentioned!
In my case there's another problem which is coping with stress as I mentioned that I distract myself (I use my phone when I should be studying as a coping mechanism with anxiety and I can't seem to break this habit)....and this only makes everything worse...I feel even more anxious, also super guilty and ashamed...I just don't know anymore if the problem is really just in my stupid behavior and I should be able to fix it on my own or what...is technology also a problem to you? And sleeping? Do you get enough sleep while in college...because that also just makes you even more stressed...anyways thank you again for the response and understanding! 🤗
 
R

runescape

New member
Joined
Jan 12, 2022
Messages
4
Location
The West
@Grayday
I get distracted on my computer lots. If I am trying to get started studying but am feeling anxious about it, it's very easy for me to close the learning portal and open youtube or a forum without immediately realizing. It's like my brain automatically opens new tabs to hide from the fear of schoolwork in..
The fact that you're so aware of your habit and how it makes you feel tells me you definitely can fix it. But it's not something to be ashamed of really; Everyone kills too much time on their phones. 'The Algorithm' was concocted by the best programmers in the world to ensure precisely that. Have you tried one of those phone lock-boxes? Look up "Kitchensafe". Not a long-term nor elegant solution but can help you get started.
Technology also helps prevent me from sleeping well. I often wake up to an anxious nausea feeling, and as such I use my phone or PC to entertain or distract myself in delay of waking up the next AM. I also read novels but still do so on an electronic screen. I know staying up late just makes me feel worse in the AM, but I always find myself saying "tomorrow I'll sleep early". I also sometimes stay up late into the night using marijuana. This makes me feel especially poor the next morning but sometimes the night of peace is worth it.
 
R

runescape

New member
Joined
Jan 12, 2022
Messages
4
Location
The West
@Grayday I also want to ask about feeling overly attached to your parents. I feel the same as you about the prospect of moving out, that I could not live by myself anytime soon. I just have zero confidence that I could stay on top of everything required for that.
Do you feel pressured to leave home soon? & where from if so, from inside or outside of your family? Or internally within you? And what about culturally where you are at, is it 'normal' for people to live at home far into their twenties? Where I am, moving out is seen by some as some sort of binary indicator of independence or maturity (i.e. if you haven't moved out you're still a kid), and the sooner you do so the more impressive you are. I try to remind myself only to respond to internal pressures, not external.
 
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