- Dec 28, 2021
Hello! I am a female university student and I'm 20 years old.I came here because I have a really bad self esteem, low confidence and no trust in myself. I feel like I'm not capable of living this life. I don't know what my goals are anymore. I have troubles making decisions (even very unimportant ones). But the major problem currently is my university. I feel like I am not capable of succesfully completing it. I cannot concentrate and I usually can't even bring myself to start doing work for it because I am so anxious (the fear of screwing up is paralysing). To cope with it I avoid everything connected to college (even classmates). I know that's not helpful and it's stupid and ignorant and it only increases the anxious feelings but I'm not sure how to stop doing that. I feel like the only thing that keeps me from being depressed are my friends and my family (when I'm with them I feel relaxed and I laugh - but maybe it's just a distraction because I only feel guilty later for feeling good because I don't think I deserve to feel good). When I do think about college and try to study I usualy cry and feel really stressed and then I just distract myself. I am really worried for my future. I also have frequent mood swings (that's why I avoid getting help from a therapist) - I am really afraid that they would judge me and they wouldn't believe me, because sometimes I don't even believe myself until it all hits me again. And I fear that they would just send me home saying that I'm just a spoiled idiot, that I have no right to feel that way because I have everything I need and I should just get my shit together without complaining to others. When I think of it it's probably true and that's when I get a bit passively suicidal because I don't want to be a dissapointment to my parents and my friends and the last thing I want is being a burden to anyone. I fear that If I fail college I would lose my friends and support from family and like I would be one step closer to wanting to commit suicide. I want to be and act resposible, and independent but I have no energy or motivation. This must all sound so pathetic, I apologise in advance. I want to show myself and others that I am capable but it feels like I am just stopping myself and creating a never ending cycle of shame and regret. I am really aware of all the things that I am doing wrong, I'm also too sensitive, a people pleaser and I'm too attached to my parents (it's almost like I'm waiting for their orders for everything like they will do everything right while I on my own will screw everything up)...I just want to break free from these limiting thoughts that keep me from living a life where I would be fine with myself and secure.I actually feel like I had some mental issues as a child too. I had problems with sleeping - when I was around 10 years old and I had been getting out of bed 2 - 8 times per evening and I was driving my parents crazy with that. They did't believe me that I was really anxious and didn't feel well and we never reached for help. Instead we fought every day. Every morning I felt ashamed, embarased and guilty. I would promise my parents that I won't do this again (keeping them awake and complaining) and then in the evening I got anxious again and I did it again and broke my "promise" and felt bad again...and so the morning came back and the story repeated itself...all I can remember is that I felt sooo bad and had to hide my cried out eyes and pretend that all was fine in front of others because of the shame, every single day for a couple of years. I stopped doing that once I went to high school and started using phone before bed and being super exhaused so I instantly feel asleep. I don't blame my parents tho for not being too helpful and screaming at me because I believe it's hard to understand these problems to someone who never experienced them...the only thing that bothers me is that I was still a little kid, I don't understand why would anyone think I was keeping them awake for no reason. To wrap things up a bit more positively: I do have passion which is actually completely unrelated to my college and that makes me even more confused. I do try to earn my own money so I don't have to ask my parents for it. I am grateful for all that I have (loving family, friends and pets) I am just afraid I would lose it all. I am trying to be a kind and compassionate and emphatetic person and I don't want to let anybody down.I really hope I could get an advice for how to fix the mess I made out of myself...do you think I should go to therapy or should I just keep fighting on my own? Thank you in advance.