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I don't know how much longer I can do this

Annelis

Annelis

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I've been feeling very empty and pointless and scared of future and nervous all the time for past week or two.. at the beginning of the summer I was quite enthusiastic, that perhaps this summer I'll finally get to finding some help. But I failed. Now the school will start soon and I won't have time. Perhaps that contributed to how I feel now.
These days I think all the time that perhaps I'd like to give up. Just stay in bed and stop fighting. I do get up, though very late and I try to do stuff but I just can't enjoy it and I'm constantly nervous. Today it all got so bad that I turned off my phone and threw it behind my bed and ignored everyone, and I only ate a bit in the morning and then I was forced to eat at least a slice of bread for dinner and that's all. I just don't feel like eating anything anymore. I'm scared I won't feel like doing anything soon.
 
Tawny

Tawny

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Are you depressed?
Are you having an treatment like medication or counselling?
You sound like you need help Annelis

Can school wait until next year? There is never any rush with life, no hurry, take your time, no rush.
 
Tawny

Tawny

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Do you have Actimel there? We have them here, yoghurt drinks. When i cannot eat due to anxiety or stress, i drink them. Sometimes drinking milkshakes, yoghurts, soups, are easier to eat at these times.
 
Annelis

Annelis

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Well I don't know what exactly is wrong with me, I have never seen any specialist, but I know I wasn't ok since like ever, even when I was a kid I was no normal kid.. and things just get harder and harder. I know I will handle school when it comes, I like always did with everything, I was taught to be responsible no matter what. When I felt worse than this when I was 12 and my father left and I really thought I won't be able to get up, I was forced by my mom to go to school because I must be a responsible girl. And this sort of stayed with me. So I know when I'll have to, I'll go on.
I don't know if it is depression, I think I have been depressed, really, twice, for like two or three years each time, but now it's not so bad.
There are more pressing matters in my mental health and I really hoped to finally use the summer holiday to try to find someone who will tell me what's wrong and how to deal with it.. but I failed. And this is my last holiday actually.. next year I'll have to seek for a job and seeing my sister who is doing it now, I am absolutely sure I won't be able to handle it next year.
 
Annelis

Annelis

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Do you have Actimel there? We have them here, yoghurt drinks. When i cannot eat due to anxiety or stress, i drink them. Sometimes drinking milkshakes, yoghurts, soups, are easier to eat at these times.
I think it exists here, might have seen it in some shop.. but I have never bought such thing.
 
Tawny

Tawny

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A little bit of bread and butter is good too. Something simple. A glass of milk.
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

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I’m sorry that you seem to be suffering such a deep depression. Does your school have a counselor? I know when I was in college and was struggling my school counselor was very helpful. She diagnosed me with depression and encouraged me to get on meds, which I resisted and later regret. I would strongly suggest that as soon as classes start you check in with your school counselor. Tell them all that you have told us here. They should be able to diagnose you and/or point you in the right direction as how to take things from there. I hope this is helpful and you are able to get the help you need to feeling back to better soon. xo, j
 
reservoirwolf

reservoirwolf

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I'm sorry for how you're struggling, Annelis :hug1:. You say that you've failed this summer holiday with finding someone who would help you and tell you what is going on with you...why exactly do you think that you've failed? There is always a reason to keep trying. I agree with JessisMe...check in with counselors at your school and they may be able to help. If not, then perhaps they may be able to refer you to some type of professional that could. I hope you'll feel better soon. You matter.
 
Tawny

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Next year is a long way away.
You may feel much better by then.
 
Annelis

Annelis

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I have talked to the psychologist at the university I think two years ago when I accidentally got some panic attack or whatever it was while trying to discuss timetable with her (she was supposed to teach us one class).. she tried some CBT stuff on me but that doesn't seem to work much on me and while I was there I asked her where else I could get help and she said she could make some appointment for me with one of her colleagues but they are all CBT anyway and I don't think I want that, given that the one time with the school psychologist wasn't the only time when it didn't work on me much.
So clearly, the school psychologist and directions from her doesn't seem to be a way for me. I've been pushing myself to do something about all my mental health related weirdness most of which I don't dare to try to name for several years now and still I didn't get anywhere. This me wanting to finally do something about it is even stronger during holiday because I know during the school time I'm very busy so I just do a lot of things all day and then either fall asleep from the tiredness or think about stuff half the night but I must go on the next day somehow. During the holiday I have time, so I was hoping I could use it to at least start sorting this out and try to get myself to some professional to look at me. The main problem is that most therapists nearby are CBT, then there's this thing that the appointments must be made by phone calls and I'm unable to do that because it seems unbearably stressful and scary and impossible, so I was trying to make my friend help me but she either doesn't think it's serious enough or she is just unbelievably slow and irresponsible and she didn't get to anything in the past 3 months even though I've been asking her to help me with this repeatedly.
Yes, next year is a long way away, but within my 26 years of life, there seem to have been only 2,5 years of total time when I felt better.
My whole childhood I was a weirdo unable to socialize and make friends, my teenage years is a mix of suicidal thoughts and just crying and staring into the wall, then there are those 2,5 years when it all got better and then a really horrible depression started (this is nothing compared to that) and as the depression got better, all the other things I had before came back, some even worse than before, and I've been in this mess for another 5 years now. And after this, it's really hard to believe that next year I'll just feel better for some miraculous reason...
 
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