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    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

I don't know anymore

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Minerva_McGonagall

Active member
Joined
Apr 11, 2010
Messages
32
Hi, I'm new here... I'm posting as much for advice as I am to get all my thoughts out at last.

I'm really starting to wonder if I'm Bipolar, the symptoms really do describe me... but then sometimes I wonder if I'm just making a mountain out of a molehill.

I've always had long periods of depression, but thought everyone felt like this... recently I've come to realise that most people don't feel completely miserable. I'd love to know what it feels like to be okay or happy for the majority of the time. But I'm getting off the subject.

When I'm in a down phase, I worry about everything... usually the things I can't control and get really affected by the slightest thing. I stress and worry, usually stop eating. The way someone acts towards me will really affect my mood and I'll worry about their actions or my actions for days. I'll usually want to do nothing, and spend days just on my computer not really doing anything. I haven't moved today in about four hours, not doing anything apart from looking on forums.

And I cry for nothing. Or over stupid things.

When I'm happy, though, I'm really happy. This is what made me realise that I might be bipolar. Everything just feels amazing. When I've been in my really happy phases, I've decided I'm going to be an international rock star or dancer and bought lots of equipment (and got into debt because of it) and this lasts for a few weeks, sometimes longer, and then I completely lose interest. I also don't 'need' sleep, and stay up either looking at things that make me happier or not doing anything in paticular... but I feel too good to sleep. I know it's going to make me feel awful at work the next day, but I never care.

Right now... I'm in a low phase and think everyone hates me. I keep feeling that I've pissed everyone off and they hate me. They probably do or they'd talk to me...

I think I need to see my doctor, but I don't feel comfortable with him. Or speaking aloud about things like this, I always think people think I'm making it up or exaggerating and that I should just shush.

I'm really rubbish at describing, there's lots more but I can't get it across... so thank you if you got this far.
 
lulubelle

lulubelle

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 8, 2010
Messages
526
Location
London
hello and :welcome:

I'm sorry to hear your feeling low atm:hug:

I'm very new here and only recently diagnosed so I will offer you advice that i have read in the forum that I have read and that is to print off what you have written here and take it to your doctor.

I know the feeling of being very uncomfortable in front of doctors and I find it extremely hard talking about my feelings, even to those closest to me, I have said things in this forum that no-one else except the doc has heard! sorry getting off the point - but yes I spent many years fretting, even made an appointment or 2, but whenever I got to the doctor I would say "I want to quit smoking" or "my ancle hurts" because I just couldn't say it!

That said my doctor was very friendly and helpful and made sure I got to see someone who could help me as quickly as he could - he even called me early next morning to see how I was because he knew I would be alone all night.

I hope this helps and you make the appointment:flowers:
 
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Minerva_McGonagall

Active member
Joined
Apr 11, 2010
Messages
32
Thank you for your reply :)

A year-or-so ago I had to be signed off work with stress/anxiety and he was quite sympathetic... he didn't make me feel stupid so I know it would probably be okay but like you say... I don't know what I would say when I went in.

Do you just say 'I think I might be bipolar' or just discribe your feelings?

That is a good idea about printing it off though. I'll think about that, or writing it down (only printer I have is at work).
 
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nattyone

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Joined
Mar 25, 2010
Messages
82
Wow I relate to so much of that and it's the first time I've seen anyone else write about it. Especially the worrying about your actions or the other persons for days after. I do exactly that over the slightest thing. I don't have any freinds cos I can never tell if people actually like me or are just tolerating me but talking aboutvme behind my back.

I don't know if this is bipolar stuff I only recently got diagnosed.
 
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Minerva_McGonagall

Active member
Joined
Apr 11, 2010
Messages
32
Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. I'm constantly waiting for my friends to get bored of me, or realise they don't like me. If I'm waiting longer than about five or ten minutes for a reply to a text, for example, by brain starts thinking that they must hate me or I've annoyed them. When they reply, I feel much better until the next time.

I need constant reassurance, but learned the hard way that people don't like to give it so I just pretend and don't let on how bothered I am :/ I figure they would think it's a bit ridiculous to be bothered about something they don't see as an issue.
 
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nattyone

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Joined
Mar 25, 2010
Messages
82
like i said i have no idea if that stuff is a sympton of bipolar i would love to know tho because if it is i can start to hope that one day i will be able to have a normal freindship that may last more than a year at most.

if im honest that has been the most damaging aspect for me , because i am unable to form proper bonds with anyone in real life , and realistically i need them . i cant keep jobs because suddenly that random paranoia that everyone hates me / nobody likes me thing hits and i panic and run away literally . im 37 years old and my whole life has been ruled by this aspect more than any other. i dont know how it would fit into either mania and or depression , but maybe it does its a combination of paranoia / anxiety and self doubt which individually i belive are symptons of bipolar so may be what were experienceing is the practical expression of those moods.

i hope somone who is educated in the finer aspects of bipolar will come along and let us know as im sure it would be really helpfull for us both , as knowing puts us one step in the right direction to getting better .

im so pleased you said about it tho because ive not heard other people mention it , and the way you described it is exactly how i feel and so for once i actually dont feel like the only person on the planet who cant make and keep freinds properly.

i have been so lonely this week , i really need a freind to just do regular freind stuff with , drink tea and gossip u know , like i see going on in other peoples houses . this week with the sun out people have been in there gardens haveing drinks with there freinds and ive been sat here all alone all the other houses have people coming and going every day . i dont have anyone come to see me and i have noone to go see.

im absolutely desperate to meet someone who i share that relaxed connection with , the person whose door u can knock on at 11 am just because ... no reason needed you just show up they let u in and u eat cake and giggle till 3 pm all for no reason.

i sound like such a sado lol but its true .
 
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Minerva_McGonagall

Active member
Joined
Apr 11, 2010
Messages
32
:hug: I'm glad I'm not the only one, but not glad that you have to feel like this too.

I have friends, quite new friends to be honest who've already been there for me whilst big bad stuff has happened... but I'm constantly doubting whether they really want me around, and when I leave are they talking about me and are they planning on getting out of next seeing me. They never have (so far), so it really must all be in my head but even now I'm thinking that they don't really want to hang out with me next time and I'm probably just a chore but they don't want to hurt my feelings or something.

I just lost someone who I thought was a very good friend. She met a boy and no longer needed me... so I guess what I feel is somewhat the effect of previous events.

It would be really great to actually know that people aren't plotting to get you out of their lives... I get worried when I text people that they are thinking 'ffs not her again' so sometimes it takes me hours to actually send a message :cool:

In one of my super-happy phases I started a dance class (I was, in my head, going to be world famous at this and be the best dancer ever and loved by everyone), I did meet new people through that and it was great... they've all gone now though since I lost interest.

Where abouts do you live?
 
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Minerva_McGonagall

Active member
Joined
Apr 11, 2010
Messages
32
I booked a doctor's appointment today as I had a really bad 'turn' today... it wasn't good and most people don't have things like that happen to them.

If I'm not bipolar then I'm fairly certain I'm something :unsure:
 
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loz91

Member
Joined
Mar 9, 2010
Messages
12
Location
Co. Durham
hey :)

glad you managed to make a docs appointment, its really hard making that first step when you realise somethings wrong, It took me way too long to get the courage to go see my gp, and I really wish I'd done it sooner!

:hug:
 
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Minerva_McGonagall

Active member
Joined
Apr 11, 2010
Messages
32
Thank you :)

Things haven't been right for me in a long time, I can't remember when exactly but piecing things together along with the realisation that it's not normal to be feeling like this has pushed me into it.

Wish me luck :)
 
L

loz91

Member
Joined
Mar 9, 2010
Messages
12
Location
Co. Durham
Good luck (y)

Do you just say 'I think I might be bipolar' or just discribe your feelings?

.
I wasn't sure whether to say that too, in the end i just described how I'd been feeling over the last few months, and as soon as i said about the times when i was really happy and didnt sleep she asked me what I thought it was, so I ended up saying it in the end. :redface:

I would definately write things down that you think you need to say, if i dont do that my mind just goes blank when I'm there as i get so nervous, then I get really angry with myself after when I didnt say something!

:hug:
 
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nattyone

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Joined
Mar 25, 2010
Messages
82
Minerva I'm in Northamptonshire , I was hoping to find somone here who lived near me so we could hang out. But I've not spotted anyone yet . I'm glad you hve freinds. I think it makes a big difference
 
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Minerva_McGonagall

Active member
Joined
Apr 11, 2010
Messages
32
That's a shame, I live up North :( you're welcome to email me though if you like, if you need someone to listen or have a chat with. Let me know :)
 
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macca78

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 23, 2009
Messages
45
Hiya

Well I'm from up north as they say :)

I cannot believe it but some of the things you refer to are how I sometimes I think and feel and it so very helpful to me just reading the posts here. For so long I have been ashamed and disgusted for the way I think and feel in some instances.

When I'm down I obsess about people I know and how they perceive me. Like when I have messaged a friend online and they don't e-mail me back for a while I fret big time!! I re read OVER AND OVER what I sent them, analysing my every single word, worrying and wondering what had obviously made them think 'Ooooh what a freak. I shall be steering well clear of her thanks very much!!' I withdraw from friends and when invited out I have panic attacks and think that they won't want me there anyway. Like, last week I got asked to play in this massive game of rounders with loads of families and I got scared and lied, said I was ill. I didn't want them laughing at me or thinking 'what is SHE doing here, worthless silly cow!?' I'm a writer and have just written a novel and I'm trying to get an agent. In my twisted view, I am nothing at the moment. I'm single, nice enough job but crap money. To me the only way I can validate my life is by becoming an author, to make me feel worth something. I actually said to my CBT therapist if I knew I wasn't going to make it as an author I don't want to live!!

On the other side I often feel a nervy twitchy surge of energy I can't control and feel like my insides are going to explode! I cannot concentrate and can't stay still and my mind is very used to multi-tasking. Someone in work can be explaining something to me while I am listening to them while thinking about book ideas, going over a convo I had with someone, and maybe a song is on full blast in my head. I can feel like the Queen of the World!! I have amazing ideas, thoughts, I play my ipod on full while creating a world in my head where I am fabulous and people adore me.

So...erm hi! Thanks for making me feel liberated enough to share some musings!
 

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