I don't even know where to start

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calamityjen

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 25, 2015
Messages
233
As the title says, really.

My whole life is a mess, things were starting to look up then I fucked up by doing something stupid, I got over that and then did something even more stupid and ever since then I've been in a downward spiral that I can't get out of.

The doctors going to talk to the pdoc about switching me over to amyltripiline, but until then I just don't know what to do.

My thoughts spin round and round, obsessing over these incidents, and because the person involved lives across the street, I'm constantly reminded of what an idiot I was. I feel like I've been exposed as the crazy weirdo girl. I feel stupid, and worthless and everything else you can throw at me.

I can't stop crying, I can't focus. I'm supposed to have an interview on Monday, but I can't even make a cup of tea without putting my head in my hands and wanting it all to go away.

I want my ex back. I want my life back. I can't see a future or a way out.

I hate being so messed up. My life is in ruins and I hate myself so much. I'm so isolated and I'm going crazy.
 
G

Gypsysoul

Member
Joined
Dec 12, 2017
Messages
9
Why do you want your ex back
 
F

felic2017

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Sep 21, 2017
Messages
54
Well think of it this way... when you think things are at their worst.. they can always get even more worse. Ex relationships are always difficult.. but you have to stop and think why they are an ex. If it wasn't working out you are better off away and out of that relationship. Don't beat yourself up over it.
Whats in the past is in the past.. let it there. You cant change what happened. All you can do is try learn something from it all and move on. Start again.
 
C

calamityjen

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 25, 2015
Messages
233
Why do you want your ex back
Because I can remember the good times, the fun we had, all the stuff we did together. I don't really have any of that now, I don't really have any close friends where I live now. It wasn't my decision for us to split up - he said he'd fallen out of love with me. It's just difficult for me, after living with someone for ten years, to never see or speak to them again. He moved on pretty quickly, and is still with her 18 months later.

I tried to start afresh, but I'm still living at my dad's, with no real prospects ahead of me. I had a job, but ended up leaving because i couldn't handle it (to be fair, there's a high turnover there, so it's not just me). There was a guy I liked, who I thought liked me, who told me I was weird and complicated about half an hour after I'd slept with him. I even picked myself up after that, only to lose it 5 months after it happened by having a go at him when I was drunk (this is the person who lives across the road). I just wish I'd stuck with the flirting, as I can't avoid seeing him and it's just awkward.

I seem to have spent the last 6 years just making things progressively worse, even though I'm trying to make my life better. It's the memories of when things were better, they keep popping up all the time. Like I'll suddenly remember something nice me and the ex did, and I'll cry because it feels so real, but it's not my life anymore. The depression just keeps sucking me back down and I feel I don't have the strength to fight anymore.
 
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Gypsysoul

Member
Joined
Dec 12, 2017
Messages
9
I get it. I totally understand what you mean. I posted about my dreams haunting me about my past. Thing is some dreams just replay the good times wit my husband of 10 years:(. I wake up surprised then sad then pissed. One fact that I know would help us both is that that bad stuff, disappointing stuff, hurt stuff needs to be top of mind. I too struggle with this but if I dig deep and remember when I felt sad hurt angry disappointed these are the reasons we aren't with them anymore. We burry them because our hearts also felt so much friggin joy pride love during those times and these are the feelings that we want back so badly! But girly, we can feel those again. With someone that wants to feel them with us, always. It's what we long for. Shit, I still seem to think guys that resemble my ex might be the one. I'm living and haunted from all the heart wonderful times I had with him. I need to wake up from this monkey on my back just like I feel you do. So yes think about getting those feelings again, getting your life back as you said, and hold on to those goals. Our struggle lies within us to realize and be honest with ourselves that our ex's helped form our desires but they are by far not the ones we are to experience those feelings with for life.
 

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