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I don't even know what could make me happy

mirrormaker

mirrormaker

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 18, 2021
Messages
61
Location
Spain
I can't believe what is happening to me.

3 months ago i was finishing an internship as a programmer. I was a good student with good grades but the internship was really difficult and i had so much stress that i lost a lot of weight (i was depressed for other reasons too but the stress was because of the difficulty)

The internship ended and i started to look for a job but the experience gave me the fear of not being good enough as a programmer. I sent my cv to companies related to programming but also to other jobs not related wich were way easier to handle and in a few weeks i was extremely lucky to find a job that is quite easy in comparison, with very kind workmates, decent salary and good conditions.

That was 2 weeks ago. I was relieved because not having a job was giving me serious depression. And i did not want a difficult job. I wanted an easy one i could handle. Exactly the job that i have found.

Now is where the fucked part begins: just 2 weeks have passed and despite having everything i was looking for i'm starting to feel it is repetitive and boring. Like if i could do more with my brain. But at the same time i know how stressing would be to use my brain in another job

Like WHAT THE FUCK BRAIN, GIVE ME A BRAKE. THIS IS WHAT YOU WANTED!

And i must say im also architect and technical architect, but i never found a job in these fields so i worked as receptionist in hotels and hostels with crappy conditions, but somehow i was quite happy living alone and playing games

What have happened to me? I was happy living an extremely simple life and now nothing is making me happy. Not even finding a good, simple job. The fact that i feel lonely now has something to do, but i'm starting to think that even if i get a girlfriend (wich is unlikely for other reasons) i may not feel joy in the long run.

I'm trapped and scared about the future. I'm really not good at being an adult. I had too many expectations but life is quite erratic and i don't like how little control i have over my emotions. I just can hope that by some kind of miracle my brain accepts my reality.
 
D

dansell123

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 25, 2021
Messages
103
Location
Westport
Don't feel bad if all the pieces in your life are not in order--prioritize your mental health and then look to improve external conditions. You said that your job is easy...so maybe you could use the free mental energy to do good works (like community service or something)--which would also be a way of meeting new people.
 
PureLeaf

PureLeaf

Active member
Joined
Jul 1, 2021
Messages
26
Location
Midwest
Getting a girlfriend didn't cure my loneliness. It made it worse since her and I weren't compatible. So ya, that doesn't always help.

I'd try to find inner peace through exercise, reading or some other activity that can successfully distract you. I try to stay distracted as much as I can and it helps. It isn't always a good cure but it makes the days less painful.
 
M

Mistral

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 28, 2011
Messages
667
There is no perfect job. They all have their ups and downs. Boredom in a job is not unusual. If you are confident in doing your job that will come across positively to work colleagues and management. You will be regarded as dependable. It will take away a possible source of anxiety and free you up to put effort into your social skills and doing positive activities in your free time. Get those things right and do it now. Those cannot wait.
 
mirrormaker

mirrormaker

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 18, 2021
Messages
61
Location
Spain
Thanks everyone for your replys. At least i am aware that having this job is a good thing so i'm not complaining.
Maybe is just that i have been really depressed and stressed and my brain is still used to make me feel bad and keeps focusing on the bad things. That's just how depression works anyway.
And i have many other worries and fears wich are not helping me recover.
Anyway, maybe this suffering makes me a bit more mature and day by day i get used to cope with adult life.
 
A

Alexander Ypsilantis

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 3, 2020
Messages
1,642
Location
USA
I can't believe what is happening to me.

3 months ago i was finishing an internship as a programmer. I was a good student with good grades but the internship was really difficult and i had so much stress that i lost a lot of weight (i was depressed for other reasons too but the stress was because of the difficulty)

The internship ended and i started to look for a job but the experience gave me the fear of not being good enough as a programmer. I sent my cv to companies related to programming but also to other jobs not related wich were way easier to handle and in a few weeks i was extremely lucky to find a job that is quite easy in comparison, with very kind workmates, decent salary and good conditions.

That was 2 weeks ago. I was relieved because not having a job was giving me serious depression. And i did not want a difficult job. I wanted an easy one i could handle. Exactly the job that i have found.

Now is where the fucked part begins: just 2 weeks have passed and despite having everything i was looking for i'm starting to feel it is repetitive and boring. Like if i could do more with my brain. But at the same time i know how stressing would be to use my brain in another job

Like WHAT THE FUCK BRAIN, GIVE ME A BRAKE. THIS IS WHAT YOU WANTED!

And i must say im also architect and technical architect, but i never found a job in these fields so i worked as receptionist in hotels and hostels with crappy conditions, but somehow i was quite happy living alone and playing games

What have happened to me? I was happy living an extremely simple life and now nothing is making me happy. Not even finding a good, simple job. The fact that i feel lonely now has something to do, but i'm starting to think that even if i get a girlfriend (wich is unlikely for other reasons) i may not feel joy in the long run.

I'm trapped and scared about the future. I'm really not good at being an adult. I had too many expectations but life is quite erratic and i don't like how little control i have over my emotions. I just can hope that by some kind of miracle my brain accepts my reality.
Stop worrying about the future, try and enjoy today and tomorrow. Better jobs will come along, in the meantime stop being so restless.

Looking back on my life I wish I'd spent more time enjoying the simple things and less time worrying about the future. All that worrying never accomplished a thing.
 
mar

mar

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 30, 2021
Messages
68
Location
Washington, DC, USA
I hate my brain too... I'm my own worst enemy (goes the saying, I think)...

Sometimes worrying can be useful if it provides drive to make changes...
But, yeah, for the most part it's useless suffering...
 
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