• Welcome! It’s great to see you. Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

I don't even know how to describe this, even if many years have passed.

M

merdaparaiso

New member
Joined
Mar 18, 2015
Messages
3
I don't even know how to describe this, even if many years have passed.

Hi there, I'm new here. I am a 22 year old psychology student, but I've been in 2 other courses: computer science and graphic design. As you can tell by my age, I've completed none of those courses, although psychology has been pretty great (I'm on my 2nd year). I don't know if there's any causality between me starting smoking (and abusing) marijuana at age 17, and my father passing when I was 18 and alone in a new town for college. What I do know is that I feel "Burned out", now more than ever. Obviously, I researched heavily, went to a therapist, various psychiatrists, was diagnosed with depression, cyclothymia, god knows what else. What I do know is that for the past 4 or 5 years I've been taking some medications on and off, including various types of antidepressives, Diplexil-R (for bipolar), "downers" like Cloxam, and was even prescribed "Risperidona", an anti-psychotic which I only took once. I may be paranoid, but I'm not psychotic. I don't take any of these anymore.

I really did suffer from severe depression for about 4 years: I always loved writing, making music, reading, playing videogames. Suddenly, I found myself sleeping for 16 hours straight, skipping every class, smoking and drinking more and more, losing my patience, feeling completely lethargic, suicide was the first thing I thought about when I woke up, etc. That part of me seems solved by now, since I can actually wake up in the morning to go to classes or do other important stuff, and see the beautiful things in life (it was very hard, though!)

Anyway, since I came to college, I started having a social life. I got some friends, a girlfriend whom I dated for 3 years (we broke up recently), and I've tried some drugs. In Portugal, where I live, for some reason I really can't understand, there was a period of time where there were stores dedicated to selling legal drugs that mimicked the effects of marijuana, speed, cocaine, ecstasy, etc... I tried some, and even had the worst experience of my life with one of thenm. I smoked a lot of weed and hash, especially mixed with absurd amounts of alcohol; I snorted xanax, MDMA, amphetamines, God knows what the f*** else. Ever since I tried crystalized MDMA last October, time passes so quickly. It is scary. I rarely remember where I've parked my car, and sometimes I can't even remember if I went to a certain class the day before. I have to remind myself at all times of the things I have to do, or else I'll just end up staring blankly at my Facebook feed all day, reading the same crap over and over and not even realizing it.

I can't properly feel any feelings towards people. I feel like everything I do is staged, like I'm an actor playing a role because my real "me" isn't here anymore. I am aware of depersonalization disorder, which I also felt very strongly for 2 years. Only almost 3 years of being with my ex was I able to say with mild conviction that I loved her. I broke up with her several times, thinking I didn't like her at all, only to come crawling back to her the day after. It's not a matter of feeling sad one day and ecstatic the other: it felt like, each day, there were very different thought processes "controlling" my life. Not multiple personalities, just something... strange. Lately I've been really tired. There is this new girl I've been seeing (we had sex in December, while I was on a "break" from my ex), who is really sweet and comes sleep at my house. She wants to have sex, but I can't even get excited. I think I've become "numb" by the absurd amount of porn I've masturbated to, which is just another very dangerous drug, and I'm scared that the only thing that turns me on is an impossibly attractive woman.

I also started having this weird "tick" in my eyes that really pisses me off, and is awfully creepy to other people. There seems to be absolutely nothing on the internet about it, so I did an MRI, and nothing seems "out of place", yet it continues after more than a year.

I started writing, reading and making music again, but it just seems so tiring and requires so much concentration and memory I no longer have. I'm just "fried" inside. I stumble through college halls, with some loss of coordination. I bite my nails to the point where they've become just thin layers surrounded with wounds and blood.

If I hadn't gone through this before (and the fact that I'm studying psychology also helps), I'd just close the windows and doors, masturbate and smoke weed till I pass out every night, providing no justifications to friends or family.

I do have plans for the future, and I've long passed the phase of "giving up", but this is too mind bending for me. I'll be watching a movie or TV show and it will feel like 2 hours went by in 15 minutes, and I'll probably won't even remember most of the stuff that happened. Like I said, sex doesn't even seem that appealing to me anymore, and my faculty is full of ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS and smart girls who seem to have a special interest in me. I don't even reply to their messages on facebook anymore lol.

I know you won't be able to help me. I know it's kind of useless posting this here, but desperation may sometimes lead to drastic measures, even if it's in the form of a sad and probably disconnected emotional discharge on an online forum. From what I've seen on other threads, there are a lot of "weird" things you people say that I can fully understand and identify with, so I'm hoping that some of you will also comprehend what I'm saying.

Thanks for reading, and sorry for any typos or grammar errors :)
 
M

merdaparaiso

New member
Joined
Mar 18, 2015
Messages
3
Thank you very much for your words :)

Yes, I do notice those patterns, and have been making an effort to better control myself when it comes to drugs. I only had MDMA twice, and I don't want to keep doing it. Except for weed and alcohol, I don't take anything else. This effort is not always successful, though, as I find myself drinking about 3 times a week and smoking almost everyday. It doesn't help that my circle of friends is also very focused on drinking and "partying", which I enjoy, but I'm also getting tired of it. I'm trying to make other friends in college (my ex was basically my only friend there, mainly due to extremely sick jealousy from both of us), so we'll see how that goes.

About the last thing you wrote... I think you are absolutely right. I feel like I stopped being really "alive" since I was 18. It feels like what came afterwards was just a movie playing on double speed, not giving me time to even understand what was going on, and yes, feeling stuck in the past, in my frustrations, etc., not really controlling my life, if you get what I'm saying.

How does one even "talk" to this repressed self?
 
M

merdaparaiso

New member
Joined
Mar 18, 2015
Messages
3
I really appreciate your answer, Nikitax :) it's been getting pretty worse for the past weeks, since my ex basically fueled my emotions for her while simultaneously dating another guy (lol), so it's been hard. I've been thinking a lot about suicide lately, no matter what situation I'm in... But it's useless talking about this. It's not like I have the guts to pull it off. Thank you for showing me that "random" people can still offer themselves to help another human being in need. Now to find that in real life...
 
Top