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I don't deserve this. Many people can do it, so can i.

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itlwlfm

Active member
Joined
Feb 4, 2012
Messages
35
Hi everyone!

I'm fairly new to the forum, and have to say, that it's nice to meet, talk to people, who has been through similar conditions. Makes me feel i'm not alone.
Well the main content of my post would be about my condition, (if i have any now so many years later,) relating to the use of psychiatric drugs as to "help me", so as my doctor has been telling me for years, and he is my own father. Needless to say, i have developed the so called I'm insane, should be put away, and i need meds for the rest of my life kind of thing. But i don't want to do this anymore, because i believe i can be strong, without my feelings numbed.
I'm 22 years old, still studying. Well I'm prescribed Lexapro, insane amount 20mg a day, and 25mg of Olanzapine.(Zyprexa) I had a paranoid psychosis 5 years(!) ago, due to smoking marjhuana. I dont do that anymore at all. I rarely drink alcohol, my only vice is cigarettes. My main concern is that if i want to be honest to myself, i'm not getting better i'm getting worse i have to say.. I don't think that putting me on insane amounts of drugs is the answer. Do you think it is? Lexapro makes me numb, and don't feel any good effects from it, I take Zyprexa at night, and all it does is sedate me, and makes me feel miserable even suicidal. These feelings occur , about half an hour later i'm given it at home. So basically i feel like a zombie, and have no power to change my life. I loathe the stigma that my own father puts on me, that i'm mentally insane, somewhat inferior to other people... I need to make friends again, and find a partner so i wouldnt feel alone, as i became a bit isolated, the few friends i had, moved to other cities to other schools, so i dont keep in touch with them anymore, except for chatting on facebook etc.
But of course the main problem is , that after having been given these meds, for more that five years, i'm very severly addicted to them. It's like i'm locked in a cage, and fear that my brain cant function anymore, without having them. I used to take Xanax too, but after much quarelling with my doctor, i convinced them i want to be off, havent taken it for a year now, but still(!) have thoughts of that sedating, " i dont care about anything, numbness. I want to be free, but dont know how.. I have to be very strong, if i want to get off them, will face withdrawal for sure, not to mention that my father who i think wants me on them forever, will get mad and try everything, even manipulation, to convince me that i have to be on it all the time. I don't think i deserve this for the rest of my life to be facing the side effects,and addiction till i get old. I want to believe that i can be without them. Any advice is very appreciated. Thanks in advance.
 
katya

katya

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 4, 2013
Messages
2,052
Location
England
Hello and :welcome:

I'm so sorry you're feeling so low right now.

I want to mirror what Nikita's already said in that it might be a good idea for you to live independently if you can.

Also, you said your father's your doctor, and he's making you feel shame and stigma? I don't know how easy this would be to do within your family, but maybe you should see another doctor; it's clearly not helping you: it's too close to home, it would seem!

Wish you all the best.
 
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itlwlfm

Active member
Joined
Feb 4, 2012
Messages
35
Thanks for the replies Nikita and jruth! Well he is a psychiatrist, and our relationship has never been very normal, as a father and son should be. I'm sort of like a scapegoat in the family now, because of my adolescent, immature stupidities. The worst part is, that we barely even talk as therapy of my problems anymore, just brings me the meds every evening... Whenever i try to discuss something that bothers me, he just acts impatient, and cant show much empathy, he usually just increases my dose, and tells me that it will help. So that's it basically for therapy. Would love to live independently finally Nikita, but sadly i don't have the money, i'm still in college so no job yet, and the other thing is i have lost my friends i used to see regulary. All i have is my family and aquintances in school, so i don't know what to do.
 
pepecat

pepecat

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 19, 2010
Messages
13,913
Location
middle earth
Your father prescribing you meds is illegal surely? Doctors aren't allowed to treat their own friends and family.

If you're in college, could you access counsellling / therapy that way? I think all unis have some sort of student welfare service where you can get counselling. He wouldn't have to know.
 
D

Deliah

Guest
Hello, that does sound like a very difficult situation to be in and to find your power in. However, I think you've already made a huge step, by sharing your story here. Your dad isn't more powerful than you. He may feel that he is, but he's mistaken. I agree that a college counsellor could be a really good place to start. Also great that you have come to the forum. There are great people here, offering support and experience. Also agree, that is doesn't sound like a very healthy solution to have you dad taking charge in your world to such an extent as him being your doctor. I would definitely investigate changing this. You are absolutely right. You have the right to explore other options. I wish you well. D xxxx
 
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Deliah

Guest
Maybe a mediator would be useful to help you feel supported in a conversation with your dad about this. It's your life. D xx
 
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