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I dont care how selfish i seem right now

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FairytaleAsylum

New member
Joined
Apr 26, 2009
Messages
3
Location
wellington
I just need to share i need to hear from some one if there is something wrong. I started dating dee in november, at first it was good. Then i got afraid of him leaving i had just moved out of home and felt scared.We had waited so long for him to come down we were so exited about being together before we were in the same town, he moved here for me. If he couldnt meet me after work because he was meeting up with a friend i would get realy deffensive. Its natural to feel volnerable considering im 16 but i didnt give me an exuse for cheating on him. i starting taking bottles and bottle of cough syrup all the time and it made me not care about the things i do. It dug me a hole that i could sit in and not have to feel anything. I became really self indulged and i still dont care that i cheated on him i even boast about it to my friends. I still have no consideration and laugh when he crys like theres nothing wrong with the way i am. I have no compassion and dont like to get close to people. Most of my old friends i dont talk to and the friends that i have i treat like shit infront of others. I use to not do any drugs or drink and now i do these things at any given chance. i hate what i have become! i hate it so much its like im not me any more. i use to be loyal and a good friend and so into my art and what i do at school and now i wake up seeing no point being afraid of every one around me wanting to be locked away. i self harm now and i hate myself to be honest. ill never admit it because im so up myself and i know i should love myself to get better and look after myseld but i cant. I think i am drinking and things in greif that ive done all these horrible things to my dee and feel no remorse!

We gave things another go a month after i left and moved back home. He stayed living with his brother, started dating some one else. We started talking and he broke up with her immediantly. I did the same thing again to him after he moved back for me. I blame him and make him feel unsuperior to me and say things like "one night with matt was better than three months with you" i think i was punishing him for not being what i wanted. Not having a job and associating with people. I dont talk to any one. When really hes all i could ask for in a person. i wish he was good enough for me. Maybe what i mean to say is i wish i was good enough to deserve to still be breathing.

He still wants to be together but i told him that i need to get help. and want to show him i can be a better person and i dont want to say i love him again until he can see through my actions and not just words that what im saying is true. Im sexually disfunctional, nothing feels good i have intermisy issues i guess and its hard for me to get close, i avoid feeling most things. I went to the doctor and he put me on this drug called citalaphram. But no therapy or anything they want to see how the drug works first. its alright.ive stop doing my art and waste alot of my time looking at my image. i am obessed with looking beautiful. I am the most fakest person i know. Im alone and empty inside myself i dont even know i manage to still want to live. It dont feel its right of me to say i still deserve that. Thats how i feel about things. i wish i was approachable but i would rather kill some one before they get close to me.

I know there is something wrong so im confronting this. i use to tell dee 'i love myself so get the fuck over it' but i see my problem. and i loved myself inspite of him because pride was the only thing i had. Ive told him that i see what ive done wrong the way ive treated him but i dont feel ive done anything wrong in my heart and i wish i could feel that. i wish i cared if he didnt care about me. i wish i could some how be close. can some one help me :(
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jamesdean

Guest
I think that you have taken the first step by admitting that you have abig issue here to deal with and I think that mybe your gp should be seding you for therapy because you really look like you want to be helped good luck in your journey, I dont think its going to be easy but it is possiable to change the way that you think and feeel.
 
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Twylight

Guest
Yep, i would be good to talk to a Gp or write it down and show him
 
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