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I don't care anymore......and don't know what to do.

I

I_AmJustMe

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Joined
Nov 7, 2015
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2
Ok...so here i am.

please bear with me through this post. i don't know where to start and i may go back and forth often. but i need help so please bear though.

I'm an 18 year old male. I graduated high school last year....and now i don't know what to do. For so long i have been told that graduating opens up the doors to life. once your done school, i was told you could do anything and be anyone you want to be...well, for anyone who hasn't yet graduated. !spoiler alert! it doesn't mean shit! I don't really know what i expected to be honest. When you graduate, your the same person you were before you graduated, and chances are, your in the same boat financially you were before too. all it is is a little piece of paper telling you that now instead of going to school where you can skip every second class, you now have to work for the rest of your life...

I have a history of "psychosis"...and the reason i put it in the "" ""'s is because the more time goes on, the more unreal it seems. according to my doctor, im over 2 years symptom free and im off med's now too...but theirs a big part of me (or rather 2 big parts of me) that thing two big things. on the one hand, i find it hard to believe i ever had psychosis in the first place, thinking i never did and it was all just some kind of hoxe or scam. and on the other hand, im thinking, what if it never even went away and now nothing that is around me that i perceive as "real" is real and im actually in a really deep psychosis.

Ok, i also have a history of "depression". again it’s in "" ""'s because i swear i have been depressed in the past. but my doctor doesn't think it too be true and thinks there is another explanation. I have been on and off anti-depressants and never seen a change...so that's that.

And so here I am now. I’m an 18 year old male. who has recently graduated high school. And I simply don’t care anymore. I’m jobless, not even looking for a job, and don't intent to start looking for a job. I’m living in my parents’ house, and pretty much spend my days staring at a computer. and yes, stare, as in I don't even usually do anything on it but wait for people to post shit on Face book. All the video games I used to get pleasure from no longer phase me, they don't amuse me.

and yes, i have had jobs in the past, ive had 3 jobs, none lasting more then 3 month. you see, once i get the job, everything all fine and dandy, but a few weeks in and i begin breaking down. a few weeks in and i begin to be unable to handle it anymore. the daily routine, the stupid people, or worst of all the shitty pay checks. the fact that regardless of the job, whether is little Caesars or a fucking lawyer, it pains me to think that eventually im going to have to get a job and become another slave to society. working 8 hours, 5 days a week, just to live...it makes me wonder if it’s even worth it...

and now back to the fact that im jobless living in my parents house. i don't care anymore. im not sad...im.....i don't know what i am. i laugh at the oddest things, i cant take anything serious. i have energy, i just don't know what to do with it. i can’t decide... i barely eat anymore because im just not hunger. and when i am hungry, i often don't eat because in don't know what i feel like eating...i actually often begin eating something that i think i want, and a few bites in i throw it out because it wasn't what i wanted...and the same goes for what music i listen to that day.

if you have made it this far please hold on! Almost done i swear.

Now more about my parent. Our relationship has been a very rocky road. since the day i realized i had a life and a mind that wasn't connected to theirs, things have been sour. i have been kicked out more times then i have fingers to count on. most times they end up calling me a few hours later asking me to come home. but as i got older and my temper got worse, i have spent a few nights on the street, lets just put it that way. they go from caring about me, to hating me in the blink of an eye. when my moms mad at me, she doesnt talk to me, at all, not a word or a gesture. that can last for hours, days, at most 2 weeks. and my dad, well hes a slave to her. he has a mind of his own, you can see that, but it doesn't matter how he feels, if it bothers my mom, it bother him. and if he doesn't agree she threatens to divorce him.

now about my temper...its bad. when im happy, i am happy, but when im sad, i am sad...or just down right enraged. yes, rage! i have had the cops come to my house 3 times now for very us reasons. the first on being a suicide threat, and the other just being fights with my parents. and when i get really anger, i get a weird twitch in my neck, and same happens when i get anxious

yes, suicide threat. i have been thinking of killing myself for over 5 years now, and i have yet to have a solid attempt, or a plan...just threats. doesn't make the fact i want to die any less prominent, it and i don't know really even if im just doing it for attention or if i really want to die..i mean, at the time i want to die, but do i really, or do i just want to so everyone regrets everything...i don't even know what im really doing it for. i mean, ive never been the center of attention...the most attention i have ever gotten in my life that triples the current max i had before was when i texted everyone goodbye once...i mean...no one really cares unless you’re dead or dying right...and sometimes i long for both.

So the point is i guess, i don’t know anymore. I don’t know what i want, nothing i used to want, do i want anymore. I geuss ever since my mom told me that i shouldn’t dream if i don’t have money to fulfill it...thats the last time i recall feeling joy, and that was over a month ago. I mean, for years now ive felt empty most of the time, but i always felt joy sometimes too. But now i don’t...i don’t feel joy, or sad, it’s been a week since ive felt angry. I just feel empty. And dead, and, like i don’t give a shit anymore. Fuck it all right. ive actually been thinking of starting to do cocaine, just to full that rock bottom drug addict no good shit head look. But once again, that's a dream i cant afford so why bother right.

Anyways, thats my story. I don’t know what i intent to get out of it. But im posting it anyways.

Thanks for reading

And remember, I_AmJustMe
 
Last edited by a moderator:

MarlieeB

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Jan 15, 2013
Messages
25,043
:welcome: to the forum.

Please don't go and take any Cocaine that will make things a hell of a lot worse.

xxx
 
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