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I don't care about anything. How do I explain to my mom?

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SoScorpio

Member
Joined
Sep 26, 2019
Messages
6
Location
Colorado
I'm 28 and living in my mom's basement. A year ago I escaped an abusive relationship I had been in for 7 years. Since then my mental health seems to just get worse. I quit my job not long after the breakup because of stress. I still didn't feel safe in my home after getting a protection order against my ex, because he convinced our roommate that I was just trying to ruin his life, and started doing meth with her. (She was schizophrenic by the way, and when unmedicated would hurt herself or break my stuff. So you can imagine why I was scared of what she might do on speed.)

I have finally escaped them both, but I ended up losing the house we were renting. My new partner has essentially been supporting me for over a year, even though she has bipolar disorder and ADHD and should have someone to take care of her instead. We both live in the unfinished basement, which is a bit stressful due to there being no walls. It's like living in a large studio apartment, so one of us always has to use headphones so we don't disturb each other.

My mom and stepdad both make decent money. They had this house built for them. They're at the point in their lives where they're focused on things like building a koi pond in the backyard, and saving for my little sister to go to college. Then along I come, needing help as always.

A couple months ago I was diagnosed with both avoidant and dependent PDs. I was told I can't be on the autism spectrum because I'm too self-aware, but still no one can explain my sensory processing issues. Eventually I may seek a second opinion.

So that's most of the relevant background, but feel free to ask questions.

The main problem now is pervasive apathy, which frequently leads to suicidal thoughts. I just don't care. I can't see a happy future, so I see no reason to care. I used to have the barest set of goals: get married, start a family, find a career I don't hate. The pinnacle of my hopes was to be well off enough to be a stay-at-home mom. Sometimes I think I still want that, but it seems so impossible that it's not worth hoping for. Other times I think maybe society convinced me that's what I wanted in the first place, and maybe I'm not meant to be a parent (especially after trauma, I don't know if I should be trusted with a life). I now see my previous dreams as being about as likely as winning the lottery -- a pipe dream that shouldn't even be considered. Certainly they can't be achieved while I'm completely financially dependent on my parents. Which leads me to the second problem.

I don't think I can work right now. I don't even know what it will take for me to be able to work again. I've always had anxiety, and I get easily overwhelmed. I've only ever worked in retail and food service and I absolutely hate it. When I was working I was always trying to find a job where I could work alone. I'm not qualified for any of those jobs. A year ago my mom paid for me to get certified to do medical transcription, but I gave up on the courses because of my depression and apathy.

My mom, and especially my stepdad, seem to think that "fake it until you make it" is the only way to go. I should get a job, any job, and then I'll care about life again. Then I'll be making money. Then my partner and I can buy a car and eventually move out.
But really, my guilt at being a freeloader is the only thing that comes *close* to considering this course. I don't believe a job will magically make me want to live again. I think working a job I hate just to make enough money to survive will make me hate life even more. Not to mention I have debts I won't be able to pay. And more importantly, I'm dependent on Medicaid. I go to therapy weekly, and have prescriptions. Currently I have no copays. If I made enough to be denied Medicaid, I still wouldn't make enough to pay for my healthcare. If I made less than the Medicaid cap, it would take years to pay off my debts still, and that's assuming I don't have rent, because I still wouldn't make enough to pay rent.

Basically, I don't know how I'm supposed to get myself out of this hole when I have no hope. I have no career ambitions, I never really did. I don't have a passion I could focus on. I have nothing that allows me to say, "I could be homeless and still be happy if I had this one thing." I don't see a purpose to my life. When it comes down to it, all that stops me from killing myself is guilt. But when I think of trying to use that guilt to force myself to take control of my life, it only makes me more suicidal. It feels like I'd only be getting a job and doing the important things because my mom would be disappointed in me if I didn't. I don't want her to have to pay for everything for me. When I look at it that way, it seems I have only two choices -- to suck it up and work, or to kill myself. And working only because someone wants me to will likely make me more suicidal anyway.

I know that being avoidant and dependent has allowed this all to happen. I know that it makes me think "I can't do this" when people try to tell me I can. And I also know this causes people to resent me even more for the help they have to give, because they think I'm perfectly capable and just lazy or timid.

What am I supposed to do? (Isn't that a perfect question to represent DPD? I've always felt this way, like I don't know what to do unless someone tells me.) I can't find a reason to live, and my survival costs the people I love. But if they tell me what they think I should do, and I find the courage to say that I'd rather die than live that way, then they'll see it as a copout. "Give me what I want or I'll commit suicide. Don't make me work or I'll commit suicide." My mom has already said it feels like an ultimatum. But I'm not doing it on purpose. That's really how I feel. The tiniest setbacks and disappointments make me suicidal these days, because there's nothing to weigh against those negatives. I have nothing to look forward to, no goals to chase. I feel like I don't even have an identity. Most days I can't even force myself to shower or do laundry. I haven't even eaten yet today because I keep forgetting I'm hungry, and nothing sounds good.

I feel like I'm trapped. I can't kill myself, and I can't live. So I just exist and leech off of my loved ones. Which makes me want to die even more.

I just don't know.
 
midnightphoenix

midnightphoenix

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"Fake it till you make it" don't work, i know from experience myself :hug:

Living in your family's house is not a shameful thing, a friend of mine is 30 almost 31 and she has never left her parent's house for her own place and i don't think she will ever leave either, she don;t work :hug:

are you on medication to help with your feelings?:hug: are you seeing a therapist?:hug:
 
NWiddi

NWiddi

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Sheffiield
I'm 39 and still live with my parents, I have a brother and a sister that managed to escape but I don't think they'll let me lol.

My care coordinator even asked if I wanted help finding a flat but I declined, not wise for someone prone to psychosis to live alone.

Don't be too disheartened by this, even people with jobs are finding it hard to get a home of their own, they're calling us the 'clipped wing' generation.

You'll find your way in time. You never know what tomorrow will bring, I thought I knew what my life would be like for years to come then I had psychosis and my life changed in many ways for the better.

Without my mental illness I'd have never found these forums and wouldn't have gone to social and walking groups with my mental health team and met some really interesting people and I may never have reconnected with my sister, I have a lot to be grateful for.
 
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SoScorpio

Member
Joined
Sep 26, 2019
Messages
6
Location
Colorado
are you on medication to help with your feelings?:hug: are you seeing a therapist?:hug:
Both. I've been on many antidepressants over the years. Just upped the dosage on the latest one, so I guess we'll see. I go to therapy weekly and I would go twice a week if my insurance would cover it. I've only been going to this therapist for a little over a month though. I suppose I should join group counseling too.
 
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GioTheEnigma

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Joined
Oct 8, 2019
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Harrison
I'm sorry this has happened to you. I'm in much the same boat. I'm 32 and haven't held a job in 9 years. I too live with my parents. My family has also tried futilely to get me to seek employment. I have all the same feelings you do except I think you're more depressed than me.

I also feel like my dreams are unachievable and aren't even worth working towards because even I attained them, the rewards wouldn't be that pleasant anyway. On top of all thos I am also very angry and resentful.

It seems like you need more friends, I know I do. They don't fix the issues but the good ones help make our lives a little more tolerable in the interim.

Do you exercise at all? How is your diet? Do you consume alcohol or other drugs? What about caffeine?
 
hicks

hicks

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May 14, 2019
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A galaxy, far far away..
I'm always surprised and saddened when I hear of instances like this, where parents don't seem to be caring towards their children. I mean what is the point of even having children, if you aren't going to have their best interests at heart?
And so what if they have to live at home because their anxieties would mean almost certain spiral into terminal depression if they were on their own?
My daughter is much like the OP. Until recently, an A* student with an almost unlimited potential ahead of her. This has gone now, and due to acute anxieties caused by ASD, she can't do basic things and has virtually no drive to achieve anything. We realise that she'll need a lot of support and are prepared to give that.
I would recommend that the OP get some regular therapy sessions as a priority. This has really been helping my daughter with her anxiety and OCD.
 
hicks

hicks

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It seems like you need more friends, I know I do. They don't fix the issues but the good ones help make our lives a little more tolerable in the interim.
I totally agree with that. Humans are naturally social animals. Without contact with other people we are lost. That's why good family bonds are important, and friends too if you can find them.
Even unsociable gits like me need to talk to people sometimes :)
Btw I'm pretty sure that having no friends also has a massive impact on my daughter's mental state.
 
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SoScorpio

Member
Joined
Sep 26, 2019
Messages
6
Location
Colorado
Thanks for the replies.
My partner and I are writing notes to have a discussion with my parents and try to impress on them just how unrealistic their expectations are, and how much it sets us back when we get triggered by my stepdad's backhanded comments.
He's angry that we use dishes and don't clean them right away, but he also doesn't like us using paper plates. He needs to understand that sometimes I skip eating or wait until I'm uncomfortable to find food just to avoid judgment over using the dishes. My partner had to spend a half hour in a car with him yesterday to get to a therapy appointment, and his prodding questions and barely-hidden resentment triggered her so bad she relapsed into drinking, again.
 
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