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I don't care about any consequences anymore

B

beinhaus

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Long story short: I am in my late 20s and been depressed, anxious and addicted for over a decade now.

I reached a point now where I don't care about consequences of my behavior anymore. And when I mean don't care I mean don't care.

I don't care whether I have a home or not (living with my parents again).
I don't care whether I have a job or not (unemployed for most of my life).
I don't care if I am free or in prison (already spent a year of my life in a psychiatry).

I completely gave up on myself and all I do is the bare necessity that my survival instincts tell me but barely anything beyond that unless I have an occasional good day.

I am spoiled and priviledged and don't want to do anything with my life. If I got kicked out from my parents I would probably just kill myself. That's probably the only reason why they let me stay with them because they don't want that to happen.

Any advise? Therapy never worked, medication never worked, distraction never worked. I feel like I don't even want to be helped because I realized that nobody but me can help me in the end, but I don't want to help myself. I just want to be gone from this mad world where every beautiful thing requires suffering.
 
Tawny

Tawny

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You aren't the only person who feels like this. Many of us have thought about death on many occasions (that's an understatement ;)

But for me personally, the longer i live, the more i quite like many things about life. I have my own home and a pet and gradually people have become more reliant on me or at least i think they might be sad if i died. That is a reason to stick this thing called life out.

My cat relies on me. Once you have a kitten, you see how much their world is all about you. They are like babies, so in need, so needing routine, love, feeding, cleaning.

I don't have children, i think that makes a huge difference, that people have to keep going whether they hate life or not, if you have children, you just have to keep going.

For those of us without that responsibility to others, it is difficult. It is that question of why are you here? what is the point in your life? Why are you putting yourself through this suffering and draining on other people?

You need to make a life to have a life. To have a reason to live.

It can be for yourself. You are the reason. You are a good reason to keep going.

What do you enjoy? Enjoy might be the wrong word but i love coffee, i love baking cakes, i love eating certain foods and so meal times push me through the day. I like clean sheets, so i need to therefore wash my sheets. I like to have a clean home so i have to clean it. I like the seasons, celebrations, xmas, Easter, Halloween, Valentines, NY, all of these things are about me now and if there happens to be people in my life who care about me, i spoil them at these times too.

I have studied, learning things about this world, various things, i am here, why not? Interesting.

I write on a forum, for contact with people and maybe i can help them a bit as i have been through my own horrors.

Music helps

Mostly though, i don't know what happens when i die and i don't want to risk it.
 
A

Alica Smith

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Yes. Feeling the same.
If kicked out - I want to kill myself.
Though I don't care much.
So I can understand how you feel. Unfortunately I don't know what to do in a such situation
 
J

jamraspberry

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@beinhaus

I know how you feel, we are all suffering in our own lives, we have to survive all this nonsense somehow, whatever it takes. Keep surviving it :clap: . It's a miracle that you have come this far, keep it up.
 
Fireflies201

Fireflies201

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I can relate. I’ve had similar feelings to this. This kind of numbness and disinterest in everything. It takes a tremendous amount of effort to actually care for anything. I think @Tawny has a good point though. When you have good days, try to pay attention to what made it a good day. What happened and what did you like. And try to do more of that or replicate it. Or alternatively, think about what made you happy as a child. Maybe it could help you to figure out what direction you’d like to go in the future.

For me, when I’m sunk in so deep that I want the world to swallow me whole, I listen to music. Usually Cohen or Waits. It brings me up a slight because I feel understood. The only I could really do is ride out the feeling. And keep going despite feeling like absolute rubbish.

I know it’s tough. Keep going though. Your life is worth more than what you perceive it to be at this moment.
 
Tawny

Tawny

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I can relate. I’ve had similar feelings to this. This kind of numbness and disinterest in everything. It takes a tremendous amount of effort to actually care for anything. I think @Tawny has a good point though. When you have good days, try to pay attention to what made it a good day. What happened and what did you like. And try to do more of that or replicate it. Or alternatively, think about what made you happy as a child. Maybe it could help you to figure out what direction you’d like to go in the future.

For me, when I’m sunk in so deep that I want the world to swallow me whole, I listen to music. Usually Cohen or Waits. It brings me up a slight because I feel understood. The only I could really do is ride out the feeling. And keep going despite feeling like absolute rubbish.

I know it’s tough. Keep going though. Your life is worth more than what you perceive it to be at this moment.
Me too, lyrics make me feel understood, speak for me somehow.
 
Fireflies201

Fireflies201

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Me too, lyrics make me feel understood, speak for me somehow.
Yeah, definitely. I think it’s comforting to know you’re not alone in the experience and that it can be so succinctly and creatively put in melody.

I think for me. It’s just a way to connect myself to the world and others. Music does that. It anchors me.

I think it’s also why I’m more inclined to do a group therapy in the future because there’s a mutual understanding and camaraderie rather than going in alone. I’m sure others will disagree, but for me, I don’t mind sharing and listening to others. It’s all part of recovering and growing together.

Which artist/musician do you tend to listen to, if you don’t mind me asking?
 
Tawny

Tawny

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Yeah, definitely. I think it’s comforting to know you’re not alone in the experience and that it can be so succinctly and creatively put in melody.

I think for me. It’s just a way to connect myself to the world and others. Music does that. It anchors me.

I think it’s also why I’m more inclined to do a group therapy in the future because there’s a mutual understanding and camaraderie rather than going in alone. I’m sure others will disagree, but for me, I don’t mind sharing and listening to others. It’s all part of recovering and growing together.

Which artist/musician do you tend to listen to, if you don’t mind me asking?
It really depends on my mood. Those racing depressions with drinking it was often Rihanna.

Anything powerful.

When happy it would be ub40, coldplay, pink,

Hypomanic would be fast loud.
 
Fireflies201

Fireflies201

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It really depends on my mood. Those racing depressions with drinking it was often Rihanna.

Anything powerful.

When happy it would be ub40, coldplay, pink,

Hypomanic would be fast loud.
Ah, I see. That’s really interesting. I’m not really sure pop music would have that effect on me. But R&B and soul/blues music is something I dabble in from time to time. I did like that one Rihanna song - Stay. Jorja Smith is a good one to look into if you’re looking for new artists.

I do like Coldplay and Pink. I tend to prefer Coldplay’s older stuff, but it’s interesting to see them change and evolve. And Pink, I like her rebellious energy. It can be infectious. I can’t say that I’ve heard a lot of UB40 or Hypomanic. Thanks for sharing them though. It’ll give me something new to try and explore. :)
 
GeminiMoon

GeminiMoon

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Interestingly, from a yogic perspective, besides the depression, anxiety, addiction and suicidal thoughts, you've described someone who has attained the ultimate goal of life.

When I was in my early 20s I met a guy a couple of days before new years. He was overweight and had arthritis in his knees and needed a cane to walk. He'd lost his home, cars and family from alcohol and gambling. When I'd met him he had been kicked out of his halfway home because he caved and had one drink on christmas night. Despite all that he seemed really happy. I was on a path of self-destruction using a lot of drugs. That really snapped me out of it. I had my whole life ahead of me so why was I so miserable. Made a plan to get myself clean and never went back to drugs.
 
S

Snowman12

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My dog is the only reason I'm still here! I got him from a puppy, my last dog helped me train him up so he's like a link back to them too and I promised him an home for life. We're quite isolated so he only has me, I'm his world so I'll do my best to be here for the rest of his life, after him though I'm not getting another..I want to be 'on the other side' with them.
 
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