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I DON’T WORK I DON’T STUDY JUST ENDLESS PAIN AND BOREDOM

G

Ginger110697

New member
Joined
Jan 11, 2021
Messages
1
Location
Parma, Italy
Reading all of this has scared me even more.
I’m really wondering how many people I’ve met during my life hiding something so big. This society is so messed up. It scares me so much. Everything scares me, so much that I’m 23 and after graduating from high school all I did was 5 months of uni and after that, after more than two years of doing nothing I worked for one year and now I’m jobless again, it’s been a year already.
I can even begin to explain the feelings of worthlessness, guilt, sadness, pain, frustration, obsession, and all the other bad feelings that exist.
I feel like I have been burdened with all of them.
No matter where I am, who I’m with, what I’m doing, I always feel alone. I feel either irritated by people because all I can think of is that they will never truly know me and they wouldn’t even care, so why open up to them? Or because someone has a lot to talk about, that person is even smart and sensitive but I just feel stupid and inappropriate. I’m always scared to find myself in a social situation because the question “What are you doing with your life?” scares the shit out of me. I’m afraid they’ll just think “That spoiled lazy little brat”. What else could they think? 23 living with my parents again, almost finished my savings from the only job I ever had. Doing nothing all day, can’t even sleep anymore. I’m always exhausted and I always have a headache. I cry for so many things and get overwhelmed for the tiniest “problems”. My thoughts are so confusing and so contradicting that I watch tv shows all day so that I don’t have to hear all that shit. One moment I feel so overwhelmed, my heart starts racing, my chest hurts and breathing becomes difficult, all those voices become so loud I just want to hurt myself and make myself stop, I just pray for something to kill me so that I don’t have to do it myself and destroy my parents...next moment it’s like I had a switch and someone turned it off, I feel nothing, complete emptiness. I just sit there in silence, in apathy. And then, sometimes, out of the blue, comes this tiny spark of let’s call it hope, burning, but it lasts just a few minutes before it gets crushed again by self-destructive thoughts. “You can’t do it. You are worthless. You are stupid. You have no interests. Don’t even bother. Look at you, you’re a complete failure. A waste of time energy and money. A waste of space. No one takes you seriously. No one listens to you. What does someone like you have to say? You stupid little shit.” Bulimia has also accompanied me for a few years now. Sometimes the only thing making me feel “better” is eating like a pig but of course the result is a huge feeling of guilt because I feel fat again.
I can’t remember a moment where I felt Free. Where I felt like I was happy and everything would be ok.
I have present parents, love, not in a very affectionate touchy way but they love me. They just don’t understand. And I see how it hurts them. To see me like this. I try to hide it the best way I can but they’re not stupid. My dad has stopped constantly calling me Lazy and stupid, I think it has to do with one of the many breakdowns I had, this time I hid but by mum found me crying on the floor and we talked all night. I think he heard it. But they both still can’t do anything for me. Most people don’t know how to deal with this it doesn’t mean they don’t love you. I shared some thoughts with my mum but not the hardcore stuff because it would destroy her. I feel guilt for not giving my parents anything to be proud of... I know they don’t talk to friends about me, they’re ashamed. Most of their friends kids are in college or doing some serious work. I’m nothing. I wish I was, at least for them.
Sometimes I‘d like to shout until I lose my voice and destroy everything around me. I’m in prison. I’m in hell. And yet even the people that love me the most still see a lazy person, with no talents and no ambitions. They don’t see or don’t want to see all the pain I’m trying to deal with. What do I wake up for in the morning? I ask myself. I truly believe life can be enjoyed, it can be beautiful and full of love. Just not for me. I don’t think I will ever get out of this. I’ve somehow pushed away/scared so many people. I have screwed up all my relationships with my huge mood swings, my obsessions, my big emotions, now I just feel like I shouldn’t even bother finding love, I won’t be able to manage it. Just like I won’t be able to manage anything else in my life. I’m doomed.
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

Well-known member
Moderator
Joined
Jan 4, 2013
Messages
16,637
Location
England
Hi,
Please seek help, you need support etc. I hope you feel better very soon.



If you’re thinking about suicide and are in immediate danger, please call your local emergency number (i.e. in the UK call 999, in the USA or Canada call 911, in Australia call 000 and in New Zealand call 111) or call the international emergency number of 112.

If you have been affected by the contents of this thread and would like to speak to someone about your feelings you can call one of the following helplines:

In the UK and Ireland, the Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123.
In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255.
In Canada, the Suicide Prevention Service on 1.833.456.4566.
In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is on 13 11 14.
In New Zealand, the Need to Talk service is on 1737 or 080017371737.
Other international helplines can be found at www.befrienders.org.
 
C

celticlass

Well-known member
Joined
May 7, 2011
Messages
746
Location
Scotland
Hi. How awful that you are feeling this way just now. You know you can phone up the Samaritans and talk some stuff through with them? Now I'm 40 years older than you and well I really have messed up PARTS of my life but not all of it, not by a long shot. So there is ample scope for you to get to a happier place. If you do phone the Samaritans for a blether, the conversation can focus on what you need to look at on that day. I have phoned them regularly when I have been in very pressured situations. They helped me to clear my thinking. Can honestly say I felt better after talking to them. It seems to me though that you need to be in a position where you are hitting targets that YOU might set for self initially. Only you will know what those targets might be, but I am thinking your day to day self care, trying to eat a stable and healthy diet, maybe making time to talk to your parents - oh not just about your life but about what is going on with them - maybe getting out in fresh air etc.

Once you are sure you are hitting the basics then you might want to think about next level stuff. Now that likely wont be running out and seeking a job. Does not sound like an option for now. I am thinking about looking around your area for leisure/hobby type interests you could pick up online and when we all have more freedom. I think it would help you to be without too much pressure but still giving some thoughts to where your life interests are. I wonder for instance what you studied at Uni? The job you had, did you enjoy it? Oh and I hope your Doctor is aware of how you are feeling.

Maybe you will come back and give us more detail when you feel able.
 
I

Ivory131

New member
Joined
Jan 12, 2021
Messages
3
Location
Canada
Hello,

I wanted to say that your post resonates with me a lot, and so while I share almost the same worries (especially feeling like life and love are nice and all, just never meant for me) I hope that you will eventually feel differently. Maybe it will take some time for that to happen, so in the meantime I hope that you’re able to find small distractions here and there (Like your tv shows) to help with the coping
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2016
Messages
1,801
Not working, and having to rely on our parents in itself makes us feel worthless and pressured... You certainly aren't alone, you are amongst friends here :) Depression can make us feel exhausted, unmotivated and obviously down... If you are putting too much of a expectation on yourself at this moment in time, that may well make things worse... If you are finding a little bit of inspiration/motivation perhaps writing a list of all the things you currently aren't happy with in your life at the moment may be a help, then when you are ready start with the easiest one(s) first, and gradually as you feel slightly better you will pick up momentum and be able to go further up your list, always picking the easiest obstacles first. Obviously letting your Doctor know of everything you are going through right now is the best way forward, but keep posting we are here to support you etc. Stay safe, stay positive :)
 
K

karl7

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 9, 2013
Messages
712
Reading all of this has scared me even more.
I’m really wondering how many people I’ve met during my life hiding something so big. This society is so messed up. It scares me so much. Everything scares me, so much that I’m 23 and after graduating from high school all I did was 5 months of uni and after that, after more than two years of doing nothing I worked for one year and now I’m jobless again, it’s been a year already.
I can even begin to explain the feelings of worthlessness, guilt, sadness, pain, frustration, obsession, and all the other bad feelings that exist.
I feel like I have been burdened with all of them.
No matter where I am, who I’m with, what I’m doing, I always feel alone. I feel either irritated by people because all I can think of is that they will never truly know me and they wouldn’t even care, so why open up to them? Or because someone has a lot to talk about, that person is even smart and sensitive but I just feel stupid and inappropriate. I’m always scared to find myself in a social situation because the question “What are you doing with your life?” scares the shit out of me. I’m afraid they’ll just think “That spoiled lazy little brat”. What else could they think? 23 living with my parents again, almost finished my savings from the only job I ever had. Doing nothing all day, can’t even sleep anymore. I’m always exhausted and I always have a headache. I cry for so many things and get overwhelmed for the tiniest “problems”. My thoughts are so confusing and so contradicting that I watch tv shows all day so that I don’t have to hear all that shit. One moment I feel so overwhelmed, my heart starts racing, my chest hurts and breathing becomes difficult, all those voices become so loud I just want to hurt myself and make myself stop, I just pray for something to kill me so that I don’t have to do it myself and destroy my parents...next moment it’s like I had a switch and someone turned it off, I feel nothing, complete emptiness. I just sit there in silence, in apathy. And then, sometimes, out of the blue, comes this tiny spark of let’s call it hope, burning, but it lasts just a few minutes before it gets crushed again by self-destructive thoughts. “You can’t do it. You are worthless. You are stupid. You have no interests. Don’t even bother. Look at you, you’re a complete failure. A waste of time energy and money. A waste of space. No one takes you seriously. No one listens to you. What does someone like you have to say? You stupid little shit.” Bulimia has also accompanied me for a few years now. Sometimes the only thing making me feel “better” is eating like a pig but of course the result is a huge feeling of guilt because I feel fat again.
I can’t remember a moment where I felt Free. Where I felt like I was happy and everything would be ok.
I have present parents, love, not in a very affectionate touchy way but they love me. They just don’t understand. And I see how it hurts them. To see me like this. I try to hide it the best way I can but they’re not stupid. My dad has stopped constantly calling me Lazy and stupid, I think it has to do with one of the many breakdowns I had, this time I hid but by mum found me crying on the floor and we talked all night. I think he heard it. But they both still can’t do anything for me. Most people don’t know how to deal with this it doesn’t mean they don’t love you. I shared some thoughts with my mum but not the hardcore stuff because it would destroy her. I feel guilt for not giving my parents anything to be proud of... I know they don’t talk to friends about me, they’re ashamed. Most of their friends kids are in college or doing some serious work. I’m nothing. I wish I was, at least for them.
Sometimes I‘d like to shout until I lose my voice and destroy everything around me. I’m in prison. I’m in hell. And yet even the people that love me the most still see a lazy person, with no talents and no ambitions. They don’t see or don’t want to see all the pain I’m trying to deal with. What do I wake up for in the morning? I ask myself. I truly believe life can be enjoyed, it can be beautiful and full of love. Just not for me. I don’t think I will ever get out of this. I’ve somehow pushed away/scared so many people. I have screwed up all my relationships with my huge mood swings, my obsessions, my big emotions, now I just feel like I shouldn’t even bother finding love, I won’t be able to manage it. Just like I won’t be able to manage anything else in my life. I’m doomed.
ginger.....if youre not already seeing a psychiatrist, you should start seeing one as soon as you can....they can help you, we here on this site can help you....depression can be resolved, it just takes time, just take it easy as much as you can.
 
brokenbeauty

brokenbeauty

Active member
Joined
Mar 24, 2020
Messages
31
Location
USA
Reading all of this has scared me even more.
I’m really wondering how many people I’ve met during my life hiding something so big. This society is so messed up. It scares me so much. Everything scares me, so much that I’m 23 and after graduating from high school all I did was 5 months of uni and after that, after more than two years of doing nothing I worked for one year and now I’m jobless again, it’s been a year already.
I can even begin to explain the feelings of worthlessness, guilt, sadness, pain, frustration, obsession, and all the other bad feelings that exist.
I feel like I have been burdened with all of them.
No matter where I am, who I’m with, what I’m doing, I always feel alone. I feel either irritated by people because all I can think of is that they will never truly know me and they wouldn’t even care, so why open up to them? Or because someone has a lot to talk about, that person is even smart and sensitive but I just feel stupid and inappropriate. I’m always scared to find myself in a social situation because the question “What are you doing with your life?” scares the shit out of me. I’m afraid they’ll just think “That spoiled lazy little brat”. What else could they think? 23 living with my parents again, almost finished my savings from the only job I ever had. Doing nothing all day, can’t even sleep anymore. I’m always exhausted and I always have a headache. I cry for so many things and get overwhelmed for the tiniest “problems”. My thoughts are so confusing and so contradicting that I watch tv shows all day so that I don’t have to hear all that shit. One moment I feel so overwhelmed, my heart starts racing, my chest hurts and breathing becomes difficult, all those voices become so loud I just want to hurt myself and make myself stop, I just pray for something to kill me so that I don’t have to do it myself and destroy my parents...next moment it’s like I had a switch and someone turned it off, I feel nothing, complete emptiness. I just sit there in silence, in apathy. And then, sometimes, out of the blue, comes this tiny spark of let’s call it hope, burning, but it lasts just a few minutes before it gets crushed again by self-destructive thoughts. “You can’t do it. You are worthless. You are stupid. You have no interests. Don’t even bother. Look at you, you’re a complete failure. A waste of time energy and money. A waste of space. No one takes you seriously. No one listens to you. What does someone like you have to say? You stupid little shit.” Bulimia has also accompanied me for a few years now. Sometimes the only thing making me feel “better” is eating like a pig but of course the result is a huge feeling of guilt because I feel fat again.
I can’t remember a moment where I felt Free. Where I felt like I was happy and everything would be ok.
I have present parents, love, not in a very affectionate touchy way but they love me. They just don’t understand. And I see how it hurts them. To see me like this. I try to hide it the best way I can but they’re not stupid. My dad has stopped constantly calling me Lazy and stupid, I think it has to do with one of the many breakdowns I had, this time I hid but by mum found me crying on the floor and we talked all night. I think he heard it. But they both still can’t do anything for me. Most people don’t know how to deal with this it doesn’t mean they don’t love you. I shared some thoughts with my mum but not the hardcore stuff because it would destroy her. I feel guilt for not giving my parents anything to be proud of... I know they don’t talk to friends about me, they’re ashamed. Most of their friends kids are in college or doing some serious work. I’m nothing. I wish I was, at least for them.
Sometimes I‘d like to shout until I lose my voice and destroy everything around me. I’m in prison. I’m in hell. And yet even the people that love me the most still see a lazy person, with no talents and no ambitions. They don’t see or don’t want to see all the pain I’m trying to deal with. What do I wake up for in the morning? I ask myself. I truly believe life can be enjoyed, it can be beautiful and full of love. Just not for me. I don’t think I will ever get out of this. I’ve somehow pushed away/scared so many people. I have screwed up all my relationships with my huge mood swings, my obsessions, my big emotions, now I just feel like I shouldn’t even bother finding love, I won’t be able to manage it. Just like I won’t be able to manage anything else in my life. I’m doomed.
ginger.....if youre not already seeing a psychiatrist, you should start seeing one as soon as you can....they can help you, we here on this site can help you....depression can be resolved, it just takes time, just take it easy as much as you can.
 
brokenbeauty

brokenbeauty

Active member
Joined
Mar 24, 2020
Messages
31
Location
USA
There is always a reason to keep moving forward. Sometimes people ask the question what are you doing with your life and even themselves dont know what they want with their life. Your source of happiness doesnr have to be a job , ect. It might be writing, reading, teaching. I think the most great thing in life is that we get to try many things and find what makes us happy ✨💕 sending lots of love to you.
 
E

EclipticNight

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 27, 2020
Messages
119
Location
Orleans vermont.
This post could be a copy paste of my 20s as well. Everything hits. Here are a few things i learned along that road.

What are you doing with your life? You never need to answer that. Focus on now and life will present things on the periphery that people who look to far ahead wont see. Following passions is best, once you unlock them from this weight.

Your worth is not based on a job or how much uni you have attended. Thats what society pushes on us. Here are some examples of people who changed our world in a way. Cave drawings descovered in, well in a cave, were the oldest ever found. They were in perfect condition like they were made yesterday. I doubt the artist ever imagined thousands of years later people looking at his work. Recently a fast food stall was found in Pompeii. Thats a first. We now know more of roman culture and what people ate at the time. Who knows what your going to add to the world.

You are doing something amazing. Your fighting this feeling. Fighting depression is one of the hardest things to do. Give yourself credit, they may not understand but we know just how hard this is.

There are escapes. I spent a decade feeling like this. I fought suicide and self harm and now life is not hell. Its no longer torture. With meds, therapy and coping mechanisms i found ways to keep the depression in check. It helps that im snarky with myself, which i find funny. Humor helps massively. You will get through it and when you do you will feel like you climbed Everest.
 
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