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I don’t want to feel this way. I feel so alone. I do not have any friends.

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DecafCornet

Member
Joined
Feb 9, 2019
Messages
12
Location
Nevada
My mother left my dad when I was a little girl. He wanted her to feel the pain he felt, but she didn’t love him anymore so he used me to do it. I was three or four years old when they split up. He would tell me that she didn’t love me and that the only reason she was trying to get custody of me was to take me away from him. Him and my now stepmom would encourage me to be mean to her, and I would because I wanted them to love me. I wanted them to be proud. They dressed me up as a slutty girl once when I was 6 and had me tell my mother that I wanted to grow up and be just like her. I would do the most terrible things to her. He would tell me how I should be thankful that he loved me; because he could have been like my mother. This went on for years. The custody battle did not end until I was around 9ish, but the brainwashing took several years to wear off. My father took my chance to have a close relationship with my mother. I hate the things that I did.

I never learned to make friends growing up either. Who was I supposed to be for them to like me? It was terrifying for me; it still is.

As I grew older and began to have relationships new issues began to show. My emotions are so volatile. When something hurts me, I do not feel a reasonable amount of sadness. I experience it with an unusual amount of depth and intensity. It surges through me and I become irrational. I feel like I can’t breathe. I think about the whys and the hows of ones actions. I ask myself why I wasn’t enough for them to not hurt me. I ask myself what is wrong with me. I will pathetically beg them to love me. Once I feel like they are pulling away I become even more sensitive and I can see myself losing them.

I have been told that I have nothing to offer anyone and that I’m too fucked up for anyone to love me; he said they will want to fuck you, but they will never love you He said that if I killed myself, he doesn’t think anyone would even notice. Sometimes I think it is true. I have tried to be better; I tell myself that I won’t spiral down next time. I tell myself I will take deep breaths. I always seem to fail.

I feel so alone. I moved across the country for a job a little over a year ago. I do not have any friends despite being here for a year, but that’s not unusual for me. I have been spending time with someone who is very sweet and caring. I look forward to time I get to spend with him because I get to feel happy, but I know it is probably only a matter of time before I lose my head. I spend most of my days wasting away inside of my apartment. I don’t want this to be my life. I do not believe in a God. I believe we live and we die. Our time here is so limited. I don’t want this to be all that my life is. I just want to be happy.


“A human creature born abnormally, inhumanly sensitive.

To him

a touch is a blow,

a sound is a noise,

a misfortune is a tragedy,

a joy is an ecstasy,

a friend is a lover,

a lover is a god,

and failure is death.”

– Pearl Buck
 
megirl

megirl

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 9, 2010
Messages
7,274
Location
NZ
Hi there and :welcome:
Hi reading your struggles,you have been through so much, my heart goes out to you I dont know quite the right words.
As I was reading I remember something a psychologist told me just recently.
That part of her job is to repair some of the damage that family can inflict on their children which is certainly true.

Therapy would be a good place to start. I always found that really useful learning about myself,reasons why I react/respond to certain life events then learning new coping skills
Its great you have met someone in your life.
So keep posting this is a great place of support.
We are here for you
 
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DecafCornet

Member
Joined
Feb 9, 2019
Messages
12
Location
Nevada
Hi there and :welcome:
Hi reading your struggles,you have been through so much, my heart goes out to you I dont know quite the right words.
As I was reading I remember something a psychologist told me just recently.
That part of her job is to repair some of the damage that family can inflict on their children which is certainly true.

Therapy would be a good place to start. I always found that really useful learning about myself,reasons why I react/respond to certain life events then learning new coping skills
Its great you have met someone in your life.
So keep posting this is a great place of support.
We are here for you
Thank you. I’ve tried therapy before but they just say there to listen to me. They didn’t really help with any direction. They may have just not been the best therapist though. I should probably try again
 
megirl

megirl

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 9, 2010
Messages
7,274
Location
NZ
Yes its does pay to look around. I had a list of therapists some specialise in different areas,I met with a couple just to get a sense of if they would suit,one therapist was more of a 'motherly' kind of person so she was quickly ticked off my list.
Though currently after my last admission to hospital they referred me to the psychologist at the hospital because shes employed through them I dont have to pay.
So if you can maybe ring a couple see what their specialty is.
Hope some of this helps.
You deserve to have a better life one you can enjoy.
xx
 
megirl

megirl

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 9, 2010
Messages
7,274
Location
NZ
Yes its does pay to look around. I had a list of therapists some specialise in different areas,I met with a couple just to get a sense of if they would suit,one therapist was more of a 'motherly' kind of person so she was quickly ticked off my list.
Though currently after my last admission to hospital they referred me to the psychologist at the hospital because shes employed through them I dont have to pay.
So if you can maybe ring a couple see what their specialty is.
Hope some of this helps.
You deserve to have a better life one you can enjoy.
And no you aren't fucked up. Children need to be nurtured and loved that's what parents are meant to do,sadly this isn't always the case. I think its amazing you have come this far I really do
 
megirl

megirl

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Joined
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Messages
7,274
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I forgot to ask are you in anything for depression?
 
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DecafCornet

Member
Joined
Feb 9, 2019
Messages
12
Location
Nevada
I took Prozac once and ending up cutting my wrists very badly. I haven’t taken anything since
 
D

DecafCornet

Member
Joined
Feb 9, 2019
Messages
12
Location
Nevada
I forgot to ask are you in anything for depression?
I’ve been told they aren’t the best for personality disorders which a psychologist said it seems I have. She didn’t tell me which because she needed to narrow them down further.
 
megirl

megirl

Well-known member
Joined
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Messages
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Location
NZ
Some of you had described is similar to my experience of living with a personality disorder.
I have borderline PD
I had no friends growing up well I had a couple then with my parents help we pushed them away. I felt I didn't deserve them anyway.
I believed this person inside me and the feelings I had were because I was evil and my mother backed that idea up.
The emotions you are feeling is no suprise you have every reason to be feeling this way.
Being treated and made to feel that way is unacceptable. With the right help you will get there you deserve to live a happy and fulfilling life
You have great strength to be here today
You really do x
 
D

DecafCornet

Member
Joined
Feb 9, 2019
Messages
12
Location
Nevada
Some of you had described is similar to my experience of living with a personality disorder.
I have borderline PD
I had no friends growing up well I had a couple then with my parents help we pushed them away. I felt I didn't deserve them anyway.
I believed this person inside me and the feelings I had were because I was evil and my mother backed that idea up.
The emotions you are feeling is no suprise you have every reason to be feeling this way.
Being treated and made to feel that way is unacceptable. With the right help you will get there you deserve to live a happy and fulfilling life
You have great strength to be here today
You really do x
When I read about bpd I have felt it aligned with what I do but I didn’t want it to be that one. The internet says some pretty negative things about people with BPD. It talks about them being incapable of truly loving anyone and how toxic they are...that they often deal with it their entire life. Please don’t take offense to me saying that. I just don’t want to hurt people I care for
 
megirl

megirl

Well-known member
Joined
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Messages
7,274
Location
NZ
You aren't being offensive.
People with BPD have an extreme fear of abandonment.
Also they often black and white thinking, bad or good,love or hate.
This fear of abandonment comes from my childhood. Asking for help but not getting it. It hurts. Lack of being nurtured.
Believing people hate me.
Having my feelings negated over and over.
Believing its easier to push people away rather than them walking away.
There reasons and triggers for me and why I have these emotions.
Through therapy and having people in my life that love me no matter what have got me to where I am today.
I think I was lucky even though I thought I believed I was a bad person being told all these horrible things about myself,deep down I knew I wasn't.
I think one thing that got me through my childhood was when being physically and emotionally abused I used to say to myself 'I will never ever be like you people'
People with BPD have through no fault of their own have maladaptive coping strategies.
Its how they perceive the world.
It doesn't mean you are a bad person. And you have what seems a really good friend in your life. Cherish that.
 
D

DecafCornet

Member
Joined
Feb 9, 2019
Messages
12
Location
Nevada
You aren't being offensive.
People with BPD have an extreme fear of abandonment.
Also they often black and white thinking, bad or good,love or hate.
This fear of abandonment comes from my childhood. Asking for help but not getting it. It hurts. Lack of being nurtured.
Believing people hate me.
Having my feelings negated over and over.
Believing its easier to push people away rather than them walking away.
There reasons and triggers for me and why I have these emotions.
Through therapy and having people in my life that love me no matter what have got me to where I am today.
I think I was lucky even though I thought I believed I was a bad person being told all these horrible things about myself,deep down I knew I wasn't.
I think one thing that got me through my childhood was when being physically and emotionally abused I used to say to myself 'I will never ever be like you people'
People with BPD have through no fault of their own have maladaptive coping strategies.
Its how they perceive the world.
It doesn't mean you are a bad person. And you have what seems a really good friend in your life. Cherish that.
Yeah thats sounds like me in a nutshell.
It hurts because my relationships have all ended with them telling me how messed up I am. I just have grown to dislike myself more and more. I feel like I have to warn people that I’m not okay. I have never had a healthy relationship with anyone. My best friend in high school was sleeping with the person I was with. I don’t know how to be.

The guy I’ve been spending time with is a bit older than me. I really enjoy his company but I worry about the 15 year age difference. I’m 24 and he is 39. He does so many puns and it makes me laugh. He encourages me. He knows I get depressed and was really supportive and understanding when seeing my scars. I don’t feel like there’s something wrong with me when I’m around him.
 
megirl

megirl

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Joined
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Messages
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Location
NZ
Probably because you are a decent person and hes one of those really special type of person who despite your difficulties can see what's underneath. Try not to dislike yourself. You deserve better
Its through no fault of your own that you are experiencing these difficulties.
Sadly many people can't see what's inside us.
I've done some impulsive and silly things in the past. Pushed people away.
All sorts.
I have learnt if I try to keep my life as less complicated as I can then I cope better.
I believe there is a lot of stigma around personality disorders it is really hard to understand. I dont really talk to anyone other than here where I feel 100% safe or my pdoc or support worker.
I say I have had depression or anxiety.
At the most bipolar.
I think there needs to be a lot of work still to be done to de-stigmatise mental health conditions in general.
I have my ups and downs not so much anymore. I have been through a marriage breakup recently and to my and everyone else's suprise I have managed to come out the other side.
A couple of years back god only knows what I would have done with that situation.
 
D

DecafCornet

Member
Joined
Feb 9, 2019
Messages
12
Location
Nevada
Probably because you are a decent person and hes one of those really special type of person who despite your difficulties can see what's underneath. Try not to dislike yourself. You deserve better
Its through no fault of your own that you are experiencing these difficulties.
Sadly many people can't see what's inside us.
I've done some impulsive and silly things in the past. Pushed people away.
All sorts.
I have learnt if I try to keep my life as less complicated as I can then I cope better.
I believe there is a lot of stigma around personality disorders it is really hard to understand. I dont really talk to anyone other than here where I feel 100% safe or my pdoc or support worker.
I say I have had depression or anxiety.
At the most bipolar.
I think there needs to be a lot of work still to be done to de-stigmatise mental health conditions in general.
I have my ups and downs not so much anymore. I have been through a marriage breakup recently and to my and everyone else's suprise I have managed to come out the other side.
A couple of years back god only knows what I would have done with that situation.
Well it gives me hope since you have been able to grow to the point where a divorce didnt send you to a bad place. Did you feel like there’s I bomb in your chest when you’d get upset? I can go from being happy to spiraling into not wanting to be a part of this world. I feel like I wasn’t made to deal with the struggle the world brings. I’ll cut myself to relieve the pain. The physical pain distracts me from the chaos in my head. In relationships when I get upset they have always just ignored my calls which triggers the worst parts of me. I sit by myself and feel completely insane.
 
megirl

megirl

Well-known member
Joined
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Messages
7,274
Location
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Yes. At that time well my then husband didn't discuss or indicate this was his decision he announced it out of the blue.
Of course I believed my world had ended,the person I thought was my rock was gone. I was so scared I couldn't make since of any of it. Luckily because I was at a the point in my life where I had come so far, I was able to reach out for help.
I instinctively knew I couldn't do this on my own. So distressed as I was rang my support worker who spoke to my pdoc concerned for my safety they admitted me.
I got myself home the next day only to end back in there 2 hours later.
I was scared of what I could do to myself and I knew I couldn't trust myself
I guess because I trusted my support worker and have a good relationship with my pdoc I put pretty much my life in their hands.
The emotional pain was excruitiating its life someone putting a knife through my chest
It would feel at times the whole world is my enemy.
One person might say the wrong thing and I would take it as a personal attack,
 
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