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I don’t know what to do

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eo1711

Member
Joined
Jul 19, 2020
Messages
9
Location
UK
I am so lost right now. I don’t know what to do. I’ve posted on here before but I have nowhere else to go. My fiancé has incontinence issues along with lots of pain, and he also has depression and severe anxiety. These issues mean he can’t work a normal job. He’s been to see the doctor but the doctor has said that all of his physical health issues are caused by his anxiety and they just gave him an extra box of his antidepressants and left him to deal with it. Because of all this, he’s adamant nothing can be done to help him. His mother has offered to pay for private treatment which I believe would help him so much but he refuses (he doesn’t know I know about his mother’s offer). We are going to his mother’s house in a few days and I know she’s going to mention it again and I’m terrified because he gets so angry when anyone (especially his mum) tries to offer him help. But I can’t let him refuse this. I am terrified that he is going to hurt himself, or worse. Getting this help could change everything. It’s gotten to the point where he gets so anxious that he can’t fall asleep properly so I stay up until he falls asleep so he knows he’s not alone. The other night we stayed up all night and we were awake over 24 hours because he was stressing so much. I’m scared to leave him by himself, I don’t have a job right now and neither does he but I don’t feel like I can look for a job because I don’t feel comfortable leaving him alone. Right now we live with his father, so we’re lucky we don’t have bills to pay other than food shopping. But I don’t want to live in this room forever and never get any sleep, I love him so much and I know it’s not his fault and I try to support him as much as I can. I just want him to be happy because right now we are not living, we stay inside all day. I think maybe he might have agoraphobia too. I don’t know what to do, he won’t accept any help and he gets so angry every time anyone tries to help. I don’t know what to do. If he doesn’t get any help I am absolutely terrified of what’s going to happen. I am so sorry to post here but I am at my wits end right now. It’s affecting me so much too but I never let him see me get upset when he falls asleep most nights because it would make him feel awful if he knew it was upsetting me. I haven’t got any friends so I can’t talk to anyone about this so that’s why I’m posting here. I hope someone can maybe give some sort of advice because I just don’t know how I can get him to agree to help but if I don’t get him to agree I don’t know what’s going to happen
 
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HanscomBen

Member
Joined
Aug 2, 2020
Messages
5
Location
Paisley, Scotland
Wow. You are in a heck of a situation there. I wish I could give you the advice you so desperately seek but I guess you already know there probobly is no magic piece of advice that is going to solve your problems. All I can say is dont give up on him but also make sure to take care of yourself. You need to look after your own mental health if you are going to be able to help him. Find someone to talk to: about yourself. Maybe you can tell your fiance how your therapy is helping you and he can be inspired. Take the lead-by-example kind of approach.
 
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Purpleplum

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 7, 2020
Messages
961
Location
U.S.
What type of doctor did he go to? Can you find a different doctor? Do you have any mental health agencies in the UK you can call for assistance?
 
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eo1711

Member
Joined
Jul 19, 2020
Messages
9
Location
UK
What type of doctor did he go to? Can you find a different doctor? Do you have any mental health agencies in the UK you can call for assistance?
He just went to see his gp (not sure if you’re from the uk but the general practitioner so someone who deals with everything) and he referred him to the bladder department in our local hospital who did a few tests which came back clear. He believes it’s a sensitivity issue though which won’t be shown with tests. His mum has said she will pay for a private doctor for a consultation. This could be so good because it would mean he’d have better care and there are different tests and treatments which are not available with the free health service here but he refuses to go because he says there’s nothing they can do, which I know isn’t true because there are plenty of things that can help him manage it. As for mental health agencies, I guess I could try calling one. It’s just really hard because of the quarantine we’re always in and the only time he ever goes out is to the store every few days and he’ll only be gone for 15/20 mins so it’s hard to speak to someone in that time. I don’t want to speak about it in front of him or have him know about it because he’ll feel worse and he always gets angry when anyone mentions anything to help him and rejects it all
 
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eo1711

Member
Joined
Jul 19, 2020
Messages
9
Location
UK
Wow. You are in a heck of a situation there. I wish I could give you the advice you so desperately seek but I guess you already know there probobly is no magic piece of advice that is going to solve your problems. All I can say is dont give up on him but also make sure to take care of yourself. You need to look after your own mental health if you are going to be able to help him. Find someone to talk to: about yourself. Maybe you can tell your fiance how your therapy is helping you and he can be inspired. Take the lead-by-example kind of approach.
Thank you, I appreciate your response. I wish I could afford therapy but I really can’t. I’ll see if I can find any free things though, it would really help to talk to someone. Since posting this, he’s broken down crying again and it’s affecting me a lot. I know he can’t help it but it’s so upsetting to see all of this and I don’t know how to help him anymore
 
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Purpleplum

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 7, 2020
Messages
961
Location
U.S.
He just went to see his gp (not sure if you’re from the uk but the general practitioner so someone who deals with everything) and he referred him to the bladder department in our local hospital who did a few tests which came back clear. He believes it’s a sensitivity issue though which won’t be shown with tests. His mum has said she will pay for a private doctor for a consultation. This could be so good because it would mean he’d have better care and there are different tests and treatments which are not available with the free health service here but he refuses to go because he says there’s nothing they can do, which I know isn’t true because there are plenty of things that can help him manage it. As for mental health agencies, I guess I could try calling one. It’s just really hard because of the quarantine we’re always in and the only time he ever goes out is to the store every few days and he’ll only be gone for 15/20 mins so it’s hard to speak to someone in that time. I don’t want to speak about it in front of him or have him know about it because he’ll feel worse and he always gets angry when anyone mentions anything to help him and rejects it all
You can't help someone who doesn't want help. That's very hard when you love someone. I would see if you could get him to go to a mental health doctor or counselor.
 
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eo1711

Member
Joined
Jul 19, 2020
Messages
9
Location
UK
You can't help someone who doesn't want help. That's very hard when you love someone. I would see if you could get him to go to a mental health doctor or counselor.
The private doctor will cover his mental health too. I’ve told him I will pay for a therapist and he refuses. If he doesn’t get any help, the longer it goes on, I genuinely think he might kill himself. I literally don’t know what to do because I can’t just leave him to do that
 
EddieH

EddieH

Well-known member
Forum Safety Team
Joined
Oct 29, 2017
Messages
9,767
Location
Melbourne, Australia
Hello @eo1711 just thought I'd post a few links to help. Maybe you could get him to reach out with a phone call to one of these organisations. Very hard making people help themselves sometimes. Best wishes Ed
Our web page on getting help may also be useful to you. Here is a link to it Mental Health Forum - Getting Help
 
J

Johntron9999

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 18, 2018
Messages
315
Location
Calgary alberta
I am so lost right now. I don’t know what to do. I’ve posted on here before but I have nowhere else to go. My fiancé has incontinence issues along with lots of pain, and he also has depression and severe anxiety. These issues mean he can’t work a normal job. He’s been to see the doctor but the doctor has said that all of his physical health issues are caused by his anxiety and they just gave him an extra box of his antidepressants and left him to deal with it. Because of all this, he’s adamant nothing can be done to help him. His mother has offered to pay for private treatment which I believe would help him so much but he refuses (he doesn’t know I know about his mother’s offer). We are going to his mother’s house in a few days and I know she’s going to mention it again and I’m terrified because he gets so angry when anyone (especially his mum) tries to offer him help. But I can’t let him refuse this. I am terrified that he is going to hurt himself, or worse. Getting this help could change everything. It’s gotten to the point where he gets so anxious that he can’t fall asleep properly so I stay up until he falls asleep so he knows he’s not alone. The other night we stayed up all night and we were awake over 24 hours because he was stressing so much. I’m scared to leave him by himself, I don’t have a job right now and neither does he but I don’t feel like I can look for a job because I don’t feel comfortable leaving him alone. Right now we live with his father, so we’re lucky we don’t have bills to pay other than food shopping. But I don’t want to live in this room forever and never get any sleep, I love him so much and I know it’s not his fault and I try to support him as much as I can. I just want him to be happy because right now we are not living, we stay inside all day. I think maybe he might have agoraphobia too. I don’t know what to do, he won’t accept any help and he gets so angry every time anyone tries to help. I don’t know what to do. If he doesn’t get any help I am absolutely terrified of what’s going to happen. I am so sorry to post here but I am at my wits end right now. It’s affecting me so much too but I never let him see me get upset when he falls asleep most nights because it would make him feel awful if he knew it was upsetting me. I haven’t got any friends so I can’t talk to anyone about this so that’s why I’m posting here. I hope someone can maybe give some sort of advice because I just don’t know how I can get him to agree to help but if I don’t get him to agree I don’t know what’s going to happen
There is a dr at a clinic who scans people's brains for abnormal activity. In my opinion there is medication, suppliments or even a brain trama that's happened to your husband. The Dr has a great video on YouTube called 87000 brain scans u should watch it. I would go to his clinic but Im in Canada and it does cost about 5000 dollars and I don't have a payment plan set up. But this Dr has figured out so much with anger, depression and anxiety and mental health it will blow you away. Check out that video for sure !
 
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Prycejosh1987

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 7, 2020
Messages
620
Location
UK
He’s been to see the doctor but the doctor has said that all of his physical health issues are caused by his anxiety and they just gave him an extra box of his antidepressants and left him to deal with it.
What the doctor said is a blessing and a curse. Its a curse in the same way its a blessing. Basically if he can conquer his anxiety and depression, all the other problems will cease. Antidepressants is half the job, the other half is actions he needs to take and triggers he needs to cut off. Good luck.
 
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