I don’t know what to do please help

[Wendynight]

Hi I’m 20 and I’ll m really going through shit with myself. I always thought there was something wrong with me, I just don’t know what. Ive been doing a little better after getting off birth control which was making me very depressed and even suicidal at times. I occasionally still get lows and idk what triggers them I could be fine some days then other days be miserable. I’m VERY insecure about a lot of stupid things that I know I shouldn’t be just I just am? And idk how to not be. I could go without sleep for a long time usually I dont sleep a full night whithout waking up at least 4-5x. I dont really know what I want with my life and it’s hard not to be a pessimist about it. Sometimes I think I’m being super selfish and dumb for feeling such a way and other times I acknowledge that their might be something wrong with me. But as soon I think that I feel very shameful for even considering it because why should I, I’m exaggerating people actually have serious conditions and I’m here telling Myself there is something wrong with me. I went to a therapist once but I dont believe she was very good, she would tell me other people’s problems and I was scared to open up to her. That and the fact that I self harmed and still do occasionally when things get bad. I know it’s bad and wrong but that still doesn’t stop me from doing it. I’m not trying to kill myself when I do it I’m usually just very numb and trying to make my internal pain something physical just so I can validate my own feelings. I could keep writing for hours but I have to go to work soon it’s currently 5am and I haven’t been able to sleep since yesterday. I did and 8h shift and stayed up all night afterwards I’m just a bit anxious about tomorrows shift being over that falling asleep would make that moment take longer to happen if that makes sense I did become tired about 30min ago but I’m not going to fall asleep now to wake up in about 45min and actually be really tired with no motivation to get up. I don’t have health insurance so it makes things harder I’ve talked to people and told them I’m not doing fine but I still don’t know what to do everyday is struggle to feel not crazy I’ve even talked to a counselor that my job provides but bc of Covid she just gave me a # to call and get 3 free therapy sessions. 1 I have crazy phone anxiety I always have since very young and 2, I don’t just want 3 sessions I don’t believe that enough time to express everything And let it come out the way I want it to come out. I’ve never written in a forum but I thought I’d give it a go maybe someone can give me even jut a little advice on what the actual fuck to do before I lose it. I hope any of this makes sense it’s a literal brain dump of what I though during my not being able to fall asleep adventure my apologies

 

[Carol1952]

Hi I’m 20 and I’ll m really going through shit with myself. I always thought there was something wrong with me, I just don’t know what. Ive been doing a little better after getting off birth control which was making me very depressed and even suicidal at times. I occasionally still get lows and idk what triggers them I could be fine some days then other days be miserable. I’m VERY insecure about a lot of stupid things that I know I shouldn’t be just I just am? And idk how to not be. I could go without sleep for a long time usually I dont sleep a full night whithout waking up at least 4-5x. I dont really know what I want with my life and it’s hard not to be a pessimist about it. Sometimes I think I’m being super selfish and dumb for feeling such a way and other times I acknowledge that their might be something wrong with me. But as soon I think that I feel very shameful for even considering it because why should I, I’m exaggerating people actually have serious conditions and I’m here telling Myself there is something wrong with me. I went to a therapist once but I dont believe she was very good, she would tell me other people’s problems and I was scared to open up to her. That and the fact that I self harmed and still do occasionally when things get bad. I know it’s bad and wrong but that still doesn’t stop me from doing it. I’m not trying to kill myself when I do it I’m usually just very numb and trying to make my internal pain something physical just so I can validate my own feelings. I could keep writing for hours but I have to go to work soon it’s currently 5am and I haven’t been able to sleep since yesterday. I did and 8h shift and stayed up all night afterwards I’m just a bit anxious about tomorrows shift being over that falling asleep would make that moment take longer to happen if that makes sense I did become tired about 30min ago but I’m not going to fall asleep now to wake up in about 45min and actually be really tired with no motivation to get up. I don’t have health insurance so it makes things harder I’ve talked to people and told them I’m not doing fine but I still don’t know what to do everyday is struggle to feel not crazy I’ve even talked to a counselor that my job provides but bc of Covid she just gave me a # to call and get 3 free therapy sessions. 1 I have crazy phone anxiety I always have since very young and 2, I don’t just want 3 sessions I don’t believe that enough time to express everything And let it come out the way I want it to come out. I’ve never written in a forum but I thought I’d give it a go maybe someone can give me even jut a little advice on what the actual fuck to do before I lose it. I hope any of this makes sense it’s a literal brain dump of what I though during my not being able to fall asleep adventure my apologies

Hello and welcome .I can relate with the sleeping problem that is me sleep for three hours every single night get up around 1 then cannot sleep the rest of the night. I try to take a nap at 6am sometimes i can fall asleep other times i cannot I hate myself but i have always felt this way.Due to disabilites I havent been able to work for over 40 years now.Are you on any kinds of meds?Just asking.It is hard when you dont have health insurance but even though with that sometimes it doesn t cover everything and one time medicare wouldnt let me get one of my meds because it was important not important it made me so mad.Maybe there is a cheap insurance you can get l have Anthem it cost me now $7.71 a month.They are pretty good.Me to i absolutely get very anxious when i have to call someone just talking on the phone makes me shake to people dont seem to understand that i cannot talk on the phone sometimes i have no choice but i will tell these people i have server anxieties still doesnt make me feel any better. U dont have to apologies.I have been there to.I went through hell for two weeks because my klonopin was not working it felt like withdrawal so I called my doctor i do telemedicine.he increased the dosage it helped but i still get very anxious over nothing at times try to figure that one out.Well what u can do is talk to me whenever you feel like shit.Just talking to someone helps.I will be here for you.It is okay.

 

[ManDss]

I really can see how much you are strugling. I would like to tell you this oe that but its hard to give an avice.
I think u really need to take a time to think in all this.

Dont think either that 3 seasons gona be enough to talk all u need, and sometimes therapist arent very helpful, but u could take a try, without having big expextations, but maybe turns very helpful !

Try to find some peace, if u need to have some bad days is ok, u need to process all this, feel bad sometimes helps u to feel relief.