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Wendynight
New member
Hi I’m 20 and I’ll m really going through shit with myself. I always thought there was something wrong with me, I just don’t know what. Ive been doing a little better after getting off birth control which was making me very depressed and even suicidal at times. I occasionally still get lows and idk what triggers them I could be fine some days then other days be miserable. I’m VERY insecure about a lot of stupid things that I know I shouldn’t be just I just am? And idk how to not be. I could go without sleep for a long time usually I dont sleep a full night whithout waking up at least 4-5x. I dont really know what I want with my life and it’s hard not to be a pessimist about it. Sometimes I think I’m being super selfish and dumb for feeling such a way and other times I acknowledge that their might be something wrong with me. But as soon I think that I feel very shameful for even considering it because why should I, I’m exaggerating people actually have serious conditions and I’m here telling Myself there is something wrong with me. I went to a therapist once but I dont believe she was very good, she would tell me other people’s problems and I was scared to open up to her. That and the fact that I self harmed and still do occasionally when things get bad. I know it’s bad and wrong but that still doesn’t stop me from doing it. I’m not trying to kill myself when I do it I’m usually just very numb and trying to make my internal pain something physical just so I can validate my own feelings. I could keep writing for hours but I have to go to work soon it’s currently 5am and I haven’t been able to sleep since yesterday. I did and 8h shift and stayed up all night afterwards I’m just a bit anxious about tomorrows shift being over that falling asleep would make that moment take longer to happen if that makes sense I did become tired about 30min ago but I’m not going to fall asleep now to wake up in about 45min and actually be really tired with no motivation to get up. I don’t have health insurance so it makes things harder I’ve talked to people and told them I’m not doing fine but I still don’t know what to do everyday is struggle to feel not crazy I’ve even talked to a counselor that my job provides but bc of Covid she just gave me a # to call and get 3 free therapy sessions. 1 I have crazy phone anxiety I always have since very young and 2, I don’t just want 3 sessions I don’t believe that enough time to express everything And let it come out the way I want it to come out. I’ve never written in a forum but I thought I’d give it a go maybe someone can give me even jut a little advice on what the actual fuck to do before I lose it. I hope any of this makes sense it’s a literal brain dump of what I though during my not being able to fall asleep adventure my apologies