I don’t know what I want

J

Justlookingforanswers

New member
Joined
Nov 8, 2018
Messages
2
#1
I’m 21 years old, diagnosed with borderline about two years ago after having symptoms for about two years prior.

I’m on medication and went to therapy for about 8 months (capped out insurance so I can’t afford to go anymore until the new year), I find that even after all these attempts to help myself I still feel so much emptiness.

I feel like there is no place for me, I get into these bouts of depression where I feel absolutely useless, I get so anxious I start vomiting. I’m always drained and just want to sleep forever or be put in a coma or something for a few months so I could just take a break.

Right now I’m feeling ok and that’s why I’m writing this, I know that how hard I try, it’s going to happen again. It’s the smallest, most meaningless things that will trigger me and I can’t control it.

Does anyone feel the same or now how to help?
 
unspoken-words

unspoken-words

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Aug 19, 2018
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197
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countryside location England.
#2
Hi Just-Looking, I understand how you feel with your bouts of depression, 8 months therapy is quite a long time, I guess you are in the USA as you mention that your insurance paid for therapy sessions, here in UK we can get therapy on the NHS health care but there are very long waiting lists, your anxiety is most likely causing you to feel as you put it "completely drained", how long have you had depression and anxiety do you think ?
 
J

Justlookingforanswers

New member
Joined
Nov 8, 2018
Messages
2
#3
I would say around 5 years now- started when my mom got diagnosed with cancer. My family has a history of mental illness, my dad has major depressive disorder (attempted to kill himself when I was young, I found him and that led to ptsd that was left untreated because I was only 5 and just immigrated to Canada so I didn’t speak much English), mother also has history of depression, brother is bipolar.
 
Z

Zweasel

Active member
Joined
Nov 5, 2018
Messages
26
#4
Sorry to hear that you are feeling this way right now.

I hear where you're coming from, persistent emptiness is something I struggle with too, and it seems very hard to find meaning in anything at times, because I'm never feeling anything. My therapist told me that I need to learn to take time for myself, even if its just a small thing each day where you do sometbing for you. Reading some books you like, eating a nice food, just taking a bath if youve not got energy for much else. She alsp encourages me to keep a notebook where I write down one thing that was positive about the day and what that says about me. For example, I went to the shop and nothing embarrassing happened. This small thing means that it IS possible to go into social situations without feeling bad every time. So just really small, tiny things. Its hard at first when you feel basically nothing, but ive found it useful to go back and read, even if it did seem tedious and pointless at first. It might be worth a try?

Also, its really great that youre seeking therapy and trying medications. Hopefully something will help you out at some point.
 
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