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I don’t belong anywhere... TW: mentions bullying, rape, suicidal feelings.

justasimplecat

justasimplecat

Member
Joined
Feb 6, 2021
Messages
21
Location
Ontario, Canada
As the title says, really...
I don’t belong anywhere. I don’t fit in anywhere I’m “supposed to”.

Everywhere I go for support and/or solidarity I just end up getting bullied out or kicked out, and I don’t know why.
It’s always something.
I think I’m just too broken.
Last night I got unfairly kicked off of another forum specifically for people with PSTD, for something I genuinely hand on heart did not even do!? I got ganged up on, literally told by this admin that “nobody gives a f***”! and accused of starting a fight? Even though I absolutely hate confrontation because it drives my anxiety crazy...I even said this. Yes I am serious. I asked them to stop.
Next thing I know *I* was banned for “being too emotional”, basically. What even?! This was on a forum specifically for people with PTSD and complex trauma... I’ve been really shaken and hurt by it since.

Also I am a gay, transgender man. Have been for my whole life. So yes I am part of the LGBTQ community...except I’ve had a ton of people bully me out of there, too.
Not just online but in real life.
Other gay men being hateful to me and ‘gatekeeping’ pretty much. Other trans people telling me I am not valid because I’ve fully transitioned now, so I “don’t get to call myself trans anymore”?!
And generally just bullied, also I was raped multiple times by different people before and during my transition; all targeting me BECAUSE I am trans, and they thought I’d be “the perfect balance of male and female enough”. It’s really sick but that’s basically why they did it...
From these experiences, I have PTSD.

Finally, earlier last year I was diagnosed with autism. My whole world came crashing down. It was just another thing wrong with me (as well as physical health conditions too such as coeliac disease and epilepsy, just to make matters worse.)
I just feel like no matter where I go, I’m not wanted.
I’m “too” something for all of these communities. Too broken, mostly.
Some of the depression and trauma communities, even, are SO toxic, and I got bullied out of those spaces too.
I just feel like I don’t belong or fit in anywhere. Even the places “meant for me”. I feel so alone, like nobody understands.
I do have a husband and I do have family and friends, but none of them understand, and I have lost many friends due to them either not being very understanding, or because they just got sick of me because I can’t just snap out of it.
Feel so alone. I’ve been feeling suicidal. But obviously therapy doesn’t work for me as I mentioned in another board. I’ve been working on myself for so many years to no avail. It’s just one thing after another.
My name ironically means ‘luck’ but I feel like one of the unluckiest people in the world. I’ve lost so much and I don’t belong anywhere.
I am feeling suicidal but nobody will (or even can!) help me.
Don’t know what I’m looking for really, just someone to understand I guess? 😢
 
N

Nukelavee

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
3,405
Location
London, ON
I'll admit, I don't understand a lot of your issues, but I feel for you. You've had a much harder life, being you, than most others have.

for the record, as a bi male, I've known the LGBTQ community isn't really a community. It has so many gatekeepers and scorekeepers, people who need to feel like they are "really" special and unique.

I don't think I have anything truly useful to tell you, except, hey - You are a worthwhile person, who deserves to be comfortable being who you are.

-hug-
 
justasimplecat

justasimplecat

Member
Joined
Feb 6, 2021
Messages
21
Location
Ontario, Canada
I'll admit, I don't understand a lot of your issues, but I feel for you. You've had a much harder life, being you, than most others have.

for the record, as a bi male, I've known the LGBTQ community isn't really a community. It has so many gatekeepers and scorekeepers, people who need to feel like they are "really" special and unique.

I don't think I have anything truly useful to tell you, except, hey - You are a worthwhile person, who deserves to be comfortable being who you are.

-hug-
Thank you for your kindness. Really appreciate it.

I’ve seen some of the hatred aimed at bi guys too. I don’t understand it; I really don’t? We as a community are supposed to be inclusive of those who are outside the heteronormative/cisnormative members of society, are we not?
On the one hand, I can understand some people’s fears over our spaces being infiltrated by cis/het people who are just trying to cause harm (obviously it’s been done before!), but the extremes that gatekeeping goes to is so crazy to me!
I’m sorry you also had to deal with this.
For somewhere we are supposed to finally feel safe, secure, understood and validated, it hurts so much to be made to feel the complete opposite. To be made to feel ‘wrong’ as a human entirely! 😞

Thank you so much
 
NWiddi

NWiddi

Well-known member
Forum Safety Team
Joined
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Messages
7,389
Location
Sheffield
It may help to have a look at these two pages on the forum: Suicidal Crisis and Mental Health Forum - Getting Help about what to do if you're feeling suicidal, or if you need emergency help. I hope you can use the forum for support during this difficult time.

If you’re thinking about suicide and are in immediate danger, please call your local emergency number (i.e. in the UK call 999, in the USA or Canada call 911, in Australia call 000 and in New Zealand call 111) or call the international emergency number of 112.

If you have been affected by the contents of this thread and would like to speak to someone about your feelings you can call one of the following helplines:

In the UK and Ireland, the Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123.
In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255.
In Canada, the Suicide Prevention Service on 1.833.456.4566.
In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is on 13 11 14.
In New Zealand, the Need to Talk service is on 1737 or 080017371737.
Other international helplines can be found at www.befrienders.org.
 
justasimplecat

justasimplecat

Member
Joined
Feb 6, 2021
Messages
21
Location
Ontario, Canada
It may help to have a look at these two pages on the forum: Suicidal Crisis and Mental Health Forum - Getting Help about what to do if you're feeling suicidal, or if you need emergency help. I hope you can use the forum for support during this difficult time.

If you’re thinking about suicide and are in immediate danger, please call your local emergency number (i.e. in the UK call 999, in the USA or Canada call 911, in Australia call 000 and in New Zealand call 111) or call the international emergency number of 112.

If you have been affected by the contents of this thread and would like to speak to someone about your feelings you can call one of the following helplines:

In the UK and Ireland, the Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123.
In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255.
In Canada, the Suicide Prevention Service on 1.833.456.4566.
In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is on 13 11 14.
In New Zealand, the Need to Talk service is on 1737 or 080017371737.
Other international helplines can be found at www.befrienders.org.
Thanks and all but I don’t need or want any helplines... They don’t actually help, ironically. I’ve called my country’s one before and they don’t actually do anything.
Just because I feel this way doesn’t mean I’m going to act on it? I never said I would...?
 
N

Nukelavee

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
3,405
Location
London, ON
Just because I feel this way doesn’t mean I’m going to act on it?
It can sneak up on you,though.

you know, you don't have to be in crisis to go to a crisis center, right? they are just as happy to help you just talk stuff out, and they can be really good at helping you find resources that are more helpful.

IT's not that I think you will harm yourself, but, better to be safe than sorry. And the counselors, in my experience, are good at being a sympathetic ear.

Hope you manage to have a decent day.
 
justasimplecat

justasimplecat

Member
Joined
Feb 6, 2021
Messages
21
Location
Ontario, Canada
It can sneak up on you,though.

you know, you don't have to be in crisis to go to a crisis center, right? they are just as happy to help you just talk stuff out, and they can be really good at helping you find resources that are more helpful.

IT's not that I think you will harm yourself, but, better to be safe than sorry. And the counselors, in my experience, are good at being a sympathetic ear.

Hope you manage to have a decent day.
Thank you but in my experience counselling and therapy have not helped me in all the years I’ve been attending either. :(
I know it can creep up on me... I recently came out of hospital for a suicide attempt but sadly therapy and counselling have never worked for me? No idea why? But they took a different approach in there with me, keeping me busy and stuff. That seems to work for me so far?
 
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