• Share. Be Supported. Recover.

    We are a friendly, safe community supporting each other's mental health. We are open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.

I Didn't Sleep At All Last Night

Zardos

Zardos

Well-known member
Joined
May 30, 2013
Messages
3,258
I stayed up all night and watched louis theroux documentaries back to back.. By the early hours I was in a daze.. Then I started talking to myself and that's how I spent the night and all day today.. And now my throat is killing me. I do that thing where I'm too self-conscious to sit here for a night and a day talking to myself out loud (it'd make me feel like a dick) so instead I've been whispering.. Which is fatal... all that tension on my vocal chords hours and hours burns 'em out.. Now I feel like I've got tonsillitis.. And all the painkillers I have taken ain't helping any.

I can't concentrate, focus or settle in on anything... I need the noise from the programs (all of which I've seen many times before) to cover up the silence.. Kind of like listening to music, but music is no good... with music theres a chance I'll start singing along and that would stop me from talking... So now I'm hyper and I don't want to stop.. I'm saving a ton on pills.. I haven't taken any.. I don't need 'em, they'll come in handy another day.

The next bit is going to be tricky.. For the last hour before bed I should put on some relaxing soft Jazz and read.. Question is..... can I shut this down 'manually'.. I've gone past tired, I've got my second wind.. Now I'm awake.. Well wake... and I'm kinda having a good time.

I've just got to land this shit !.. Trouble is I'm no good at landing.. I like to fly... soar like an eagle !!! Now I'm like a virgin attempting a carrier landing at night in a F15... anybody know what 'call the ball means' ? ten'll get you fifty if I don't hit the deck.. bounce and end up flying off the other fucking end !!!

Okay okay, go round again go round again.

(got a feeling its going to be a long night ! (or do i mean flight ?))
 
Wandering2

Wandering2

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 26, 2020
Messages
182
Location
Illinois
Hi Zardos! You talk like I do when Im manic. Im in mixed episodes right now so its waterfalls one second the next, im an aggressive animal about to pounce, laugh and cry simultaneously, break things, jump out of a moving car. And yeah all nighters like something needs to get done RIGHT NOW or Im bored, might hang with the homeless in the middle of the night. I get it, people tell me I talk too much and when I do my vocal cords do get sore. I feel like if i dont write it down or say it, my thoughts are lost. Awww my genius! No! I try a hot bath when Im mad and annoying music. It's like I need a reaction, and if I don't get it...ill find a way 🤣 then it's poor me I just need help then I get mad again. Or more anger asks for more anger. And I dish it well my friend. You can even insult cops once they handcuffed you and illegally searched your car...then tow it and lie saying the light was red when it was really green. O even got a misdemeanor for that...empty moldy mini wine bottle in the trunk! Idiots, didn't even know what a unisome was 🤣 I got my car towed for that bull crap. Yeah i tend to go off subject. I get the no sleep thing, esspecially when you feel like there are better things to do and don't wanna sleep. I've tried classical music...its okay but still a fan of Korn and Halsey 😁 i dont play favorites with music it's impossible.
 
Wandering2

Wandering2

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 26, 2020
Messages
182
Location
Illinois
I don't have a favorite color either
 
Wandering2

Wandering2

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 26, 2020
Messages
182
Location
Illinois
Your funny we should talk more
 
Zardos

Zardos

Well-known member
Joined
May 30, 2013
Messages
3,258
Hi Zardos! You talk like I do when Im manic. Im in mixed episodes right now so its waterfalls one second the next, im an aggressive animal about to pounce, laugh and cry simultaneously, break things, jump out of a moving car. And yeah all nighters like something needs to get done RIGHT NOW or Im bored, might hang with the homeless in the middle of the night. I get it, people tell me I talk too much and when I do my vocal cords do get sore. I feel like if i dont write it down or say it, my thoughts are lost. Awww my genius! No! I try a hot bath when Im mad and annoying music. It's like I need a reaction, and if I don't get it...ill find a way 🤣 then it's poor me I just need help then I get mad again. Or more anger asks for more anger. And I dish it well my friend. You can even insult cops once they handcuffed you and illegally searched your car...then tow it and lie saying the light was red when it was really green. O even got a misdemeanor for that...empty moldy mini wine bottle in the trunk! Idiots, didn't even know what a unisome was 🤣 I got my car towed for that bull crap. Yeah i tend to go off subject. I get the no sleep thing, esspecially when you feel like there are better things to do and don't wanna sleep. I've tried classical music...its okay but still a fan of Korn and Halsey 😁 i dont play favorites with music it's impossible.
Hi Wandering, thanks for the replys.. do you enjoy the highs ? There the only bit of fun I have left.. But people have scorned me in the past saying I shouldn't by into my illness.. But I find it fascinating, sure there's pain and suffering but there's euphoria to, since I've come off dope its the only thing I have left.

take care :)
 
Zardos

Zardos

Well-known member
Joined
May 30, 2013
Messages
3,258
Update

I didn't make it to bed last night.. In the end I fell asleep on the couch with everything left on. Woke up in agony unable to move (untreated kidney stones). I'm okay if I sleep in the bed and its a light sleep so I move around allot, but because I was on the couch I was lying on my back and I couldn't turn over. When that happens the stones dig into my kidneys and its agony. So the first trial I faced this morning was getting off the couch.. The pain in my back was amazing... and paralyzing.. It was agony lying there and moving only made it worse. In the end I had to slowly pull my knees up to my chest and slowly roll off the couch and on to the floor. I don't know what time it was, it was light but still early.. Ended up going back to sleep in a heap on the living room floor. Woke up at eleven.. 'hung over' I felt like I was dieing.. More physical than mental.. I pulled myself into the dreaded (but much loved) chair.. Because everything was left on, I just restarted everything and carried on from last night...

I spent the first two hours munching pills, listening to the same song over and over and shaking like a junky... the narratives and fantasies from the last couple of days were still there, but began to fade out as the pills took effect.. In the end I decided that going for my daily walk was probably the right thing to do. I look like hell.. I haven't shaved in a couple of days, haven't done my hair.. Basically unkempt and a bit smelly.

I've entered the 'time warp' phase.. For me time seems to be passing slowly.. I keep telling myself.. I'll just listen to the song one more time.. Or have one more fag.. And then I'll get going.. Like I have all the time in the world... but on the outside of my bubble time is rocketing by.. Its 3pm and I'm already thinking of bed... I'm at a cross roads, in limbo.. And I don't know whats going to happen next.. Am I going to get 'better' or worse ? The next thing I should do is go eat something.. But I'm not hungry in the slightest... baby steps.. one at a time.. Crawling along.. i'm so sick of this....................

Normality ? or fantacy ? i'll try and check in with you guys in the next couple of hours.. to see where i'm at.
 
Zardos

Zardos

Well-known member
Joined
May 30, 2013
Messages
3,258
The raging nuclear fire that was my mind has gone out. The chaos has gone quiet.. I guess I should be grateful.. But I'm not. The fantasy is far superior to the reality of my life.. I'm pretty much doped on pills and pain killers.. and I feel hung over and washed out.. I'm too old for this.. I just can't do it anymore. I don't want to do this anymore.. I'm sick of it.. Sick of it all..
 
Wandering2

Wandering2

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 26, 2020
Messages
182
Location
Illinois
Only when Im not getting in trouble. But it's hurtful when other people are annoyed with my commentary or constant talking and told to be quiet by my husband. I enjoy feeling euphoric when Im planning to have an epic happy day...then that sometimes leads to me doing things I shouldn't 😑 then regret, then depression, people shame me. But when I try to be "normal " and listen to bullshit rerun barbecue stories about kids, work, and house crap. I wanna dooo something fun or different. I wanna talk philosophy not day to day...blah...blah...took a dump...blah...blah...had a baby...blah blah...someone died or is dying...blah blah...lets play yahtzee till we die. Im easily bored and I try to make my own fun by either avoiding people or being passive aggressive...or get drunk and clean their house. More interesting than talking about Johnathan and how he's a fine young man and will make a great lawyer. I don't wanna hear about that I'd rather hear about the butt zit he mistaked for cancer. Or talk about real world issues, not what John and Jane's plans to take the baby to the park, because John and Jane work 60 hours a week and get a few glorious hours with their society raised baby because that's so normal. Brink of suicide week, to a cloudy day at the boring park with no swings or too many people...and fruitless observations of Jr doing what kids do and sharing completely uninteresting footage of it.
 
Wandering2

Wandering2

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 26, 2020
Messages
182
Location
Illinois
Sorry about your crap night waking to kidney pain 😭 I heard those hurt like a lot. Reality I feel is Hell. Day to day, minute to minute. You're right does it ever get better? Wish I was greatful when the fire goes out, but then fantasy goes too. Yeah, I wish I could go with the flow and be a mind numbingly dullard and love it. But I can't, its just weird to me that people are so accepting of how life is.
 
Wandering2

Wandering2

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 26, 2020
Messages
182
Location
Illinois
I haven't touched my my hair for days, moved into this new crap house. Not new, has baseboard heating and no washer and dryer. Was gonna bathe but the water is bright yellow, like urine. 🙄
 
Zardos

Zardos

Well-known member
Joined
May 30, 2013
Messages
3,258
Only when Im not getting in trouble. But it's hurtful when other people are annoyed with my commentary or constant talking and told to be quiet by my husband. I enjoy feeling euphoric when Im planning to have an epic happy day...then that sometimes leads to me doing things I shouldn't 😑 then regret, then depression, people shame me. But when I try to be "normal " and listen to bullshit rerun barbecue stories about kids, work, and house crap. I wanna dooo something fun or different. I wanna talk philosophy not day to day...blah...blah...took a dump...blah...blah...had a baby...blah blah...someone died or is dying...blah blah...lets play yahtzee till we die. Im easily bored and I try to make my own fun by either avoiding people or being passive aggressive...or get drunk and clean their house. More interesting than talking about Johnathan and how he's a fine young man and will make a great lawyer. I don't wanna hear about that I'd rather hear about the butt zit he mistaked for cancer. Or talk about real world issues, not what John and Jane's plans to take the baby to the park, because John and Jane work 60 hours a week and get a few glorious hours with their society raised baby because that's so normal. Brink of suicide week, to a cloudy day at the boring park with no swings or too many people...and fruitless observations of Jr doing what kids do and sharing completely uninteresting footage of it.
I can understand what you mean about being 'normal'.. Its not something I aspire to.. 'normal' seem soo mind numbingly boring. I don't see how normals are any more happy.. They seem to derive pleasure from the smallest of mercies.. They seem clock-work to me.. Doing what's expected of them.. toeing the line.. All living in little boxes... little boxes... and they're all made out of ticky tacky, and they all look just the same.

fuck that.
 
Top