I think those two past traumas are still hurting you badly, Midnight - understandably so. I completely understand your feelings about Ebony - it's so painful being a pet owner, at times.
If it's available in your area - I think perhaps you would benefit from some free counselling sessions through 'Steps To Wellbeing'. It might really help to talk these things through and get some closure and peace of mind.
You don't need a G.P referral - just phone them yourself. You will get a scheduled call from them to find out what you're struggling with and then offer you some sessions to sit and talk with a trained counsellor. I think maybe you need some time
just for you - and a real person in your corner to talk to every week and unburden some of your pressure.
If that sounds like it might help, just google the details for your local area.
Sending you a big hug and lots of love