- May 26, 2018
My Girlfriend of only 2 months broke up with me 5 weeks ago. And it has wreaked havoc on my life. I am 23 years old and a student in his final year at university. I have been depressed all my life and I don't really have any happy memories in my life except for when i met her. When I met her I felt that my life started to change. I suddenly felt happy and I allowed myself to fall for her and her family-they are amazing. i still love her-I know it's weird and stupid that I feel this way about a girl that Ive know for two months. But I do. I acted cold and distant to her the night we broke up, because I thought wrongly that she was being cold and distant. i am filled with so much regret and self hate, because she is such an amazing person. And now she's gone forever. The one person who had the potential to love me is gone. And honestly I don't see the point to life anymore. Everything I put value in before, is meaningless now. I have stopped caring about virtually everything. I am haunted every night by dreams of her. I am crying every single day. Every day is getting worse and worse, only now I have to pretend it's getting better because of the people around me who told me I should have moved on by now. But I can't move on, not when I feel this way about someone, I'm in love and the feeling isn't going away. I haven't been studying at all as a result. She was my first love. I've never really had a girlfriend before, only her. She was special to me. I wish I didn't mess it up so badly. But I guess I deserve what i got. I deserve to be alone. That's why I've started to consider ending things. This time for real. Before I met her I always thought about suicide. Then I met her and those feelings and thoughts went away. Now theyre back with a vengeance. I am alone. No one messages me anymore. She doesn't ask about my day and wishes me good morning and good night anymore. She had pursued me so much in the beginning, now I'm just alone, again. And I don't want to live like that again. I want to die. Because I refuse to be 30 or 40 and still not met anyone else. I want to be in love with someone, I want to have someone by my side. I am sorry for the pathetic rant but I can't tell this to anybody else in my life right now because they're all really busy or sick of it by now. I hate myself for always ruining the best things in my life and I always do. I am alone again. I keep self-sabotaging myself. Why couldn't I have been happy with her.