I Desperately Need to Rant. Support and Advice Would Be Helpful.

Casting Harbor

Casting Harbor

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Jul 29, 2016
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7
So, I'm alone at home all day every day because I just cannot seem to hold down a job. Which leads to me piecing together ongoing and endless moments of contemplating my death and a bunch of other pessimistic ideas.

I admit, I'm a boring person. I have nothing going for me. I don't have a special personality. I don't have any special passions. I'm not talented in anything. I'm not beautiful, just hideous (even my body is hideous, not just my face). I'm not intelligent in any way. I'm not creative. My voice is cringeworthy. I could go on.

I honestly don't see why I should go on when there's nothing special about me or any reason I'm here. Like why am I alive when I give nothing to the world?

And like I despise my parents SO much, you have no idea. On my mom's side of the family, crippling depression and anxiety has been running through for generations. So they KNEW I was going to end up being diagnosed with this too, so why would they have me?! I don't understand. That's why I'm NEVER having children, because depression and anxiety is in my genetics and I could NEVER bring someone into this world if they're just going to be dealing with what I'm dealing with. I wish my parents were smart enough to realize that before they selfishly decided to create me.

I just don't understand.

I have been on too many medications. They don't help. I've been to psychiatrists, counselors, in home counselors, had mentors, been to mental hospitals multiple times... nothing is helping. And I'm just so pointless. I don't know if you can read my crippling pain in my post or not, but I'm just beyond desperate and miserable.

I just need support or for someone to tell me what I need to do so I don't end up killing myself one of these days. I can't even begin to say how many different pills and how many different dosages of those I have been on. I just don't want to do this anymore. Like at this point, I don't even care if I had to choose the most painful way to die, I would take it right now. My chemicals in my brain are so f*cked up that there's no way to reverse it. I've attempted countless ways to reverse it all for over eight years. And I just, I just can't do it anymore. Crippling depression and anxiety has taken out all of my energy. It's taking out all of my hope. All of my dreams. I don't even have any dreams anymore. I just don't care.

I... just can't deal anymore. It's not worth living if all I will ever be in is pain. No one around me even realizes how much pain I'm in. I ALWAYS act happy around everyone, because I don't want to depress anyone. I do ALL I can to make everyone happy, so I make sure I'm always in a positive mood. But I'm never positive, I'm always hopeless and depressed and helpless and miserable...

I need help before I fall off the edge. Please.
 
BorderlineDownunder

BorderlineDownunder

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Nov 23, 2015
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17,156
hi, I'm here. :hug:

hang on.

let it all out here no one will judge you, weve all Been There.
 
Nikita

Nikita

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Jun 20, 2015
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Hello Castingharbour:welcome:to the forum,

I felt the way you do for years.It would help if you had someone to unburden yourself on,someone to talk about the pain you are in about and to express how unhappy you are and have them listen and understand.
It takes time to heal pain and wounds of the past of an emotional make up,I don't know if your depression is to do with chemicals in the brain,if that is the reason,how you thought of trying CBD oil,it helps me lifts my moods.
If you feel you are a danger to yourself through risk of suicide you need to tell this to your GP, there are ways to stay safe,don't be alone when you feel suicidal cos isolation doesn't help,and always talk to someone tell them what you are thinking,they can help you judge whether your thinking is irrational.

Maybe you feel you wish you were never born,but you are here now and nothing will change that.
I wonder if anything can make you happy,is there anything you love to do,some people like to draw or dance or sing or write,can you find some way to become interested in life?

I am sorry I can't do more to help.I hope being on this forum helps.If you get bad suicidal feelings give us a shout here we want to help.Nikitax
 
BorderlineDownunder

BorderlineDownunder

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Joined
Nov 23, 2015
Messages
17,156
Thank you for saying you're here and no one will judge me.

I don't even know what else to say. I just give up.
don't give up; hang in there

think of something you love like puppies or sunsets or pink roses; think of never seeing one again and you may find you have a Reason to Stay

feeling miserable is part of Everyone's life at some point. Everyone suffers. You are not alone.

please keep sharing and please keep alive, if all you manage to do today is breathe, that's a triumph.
 
J

jools871

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Joined
Oct 10, 2015
Messages
80
I can only agree with you. If we simply HAVE to be born, we'd be much better off if it was possible to raise ourselves and never have parents to cause us a bunch of grief and misery. Parents are the most selfish people on the planet and the main reason why the world is so screwed up because they only care about themselves and their kids (an extension of themselves) and don't care about anyone else on the planet.

I applaud you for deciding never to have children-you obviously have a lot of empathy and are very selfless to decide not to inflict life on a poor soul, parents are the opposite of that and think of nothing more than their own happiness, and inflicting life on other people seems to be their favourite thing to do. In fact most parents would say their greatest happiness is their kids-ironic really, and just shows how they always put their own happiness first-never see them adopt do you? Nope too selfish for that. Anyway, we sound similar, I completely agree with you, most won't because most are either parents or want to be parents so they have to try and pretend life is good or they'd be forced to feel guilty about having kids.

Just remember that your parents had you for THEIR happiness not yours so try and be happy in your life just to spite them and make them unhappy-and maybe you can move away from them and never have to see them again and you will be much happier.
 
blacksmoke

blacksmoke

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Ah I get your thinking I used to think like this and then I did a lot of reading/listening/watching lots of interesting things and it started to change how I was.

I mean main stream for me is just so chuffin boring and sterile that I had to invent my own little wee life and then go from that

Ah gosh you sound so depressed and very little self esteem both of which keep me company a lot too.

I don't understand. That's why I'm NEVER having children, because depression and anxiety is in my genetics and I could NEVER bring someone into this world if they're just going to be dealing with what I'm dealing with.
So get you on that and that is what I have done!

You sound in despair I too struggle with anxiety and depression. All anyone can do is listen and talk to you.
 

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