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I deserve the award for ‘Worst Mental Health’

B

Borderline

Guest
I have social anxiety, general anxiety, a learning disability, and major depression. I’ve been fighting a losing battle with my mental health for most of my life (28 years old). I’m fairly smart and capable, with above average physical health, but I’ve been unable find and keep employment due to my poor mental health. I lasted 2 days at my last job before attempting suicide.

I do not experience joy, happiness, satisfaction… or any feelings in the positive spectrum of human emotion. I feel there is a futility with every action I take. I do not have a libido, and thus have never sought companionship with another human being. I do not have friends, and have no desire to make any. In fact, I have no desires or ambition whatsoever. I feel that I could win the lottery tomorrow and it wouldn’t make a difference. It would be nice to be off social assistance, though.

As a strong believer in Evolution and Dwarin’s theory of ‘natural selection’, ‘survival of the fittest’, etc. … I cannot help but feel that I’ve been selected by nature to fail. I do not feel bad about it anymore. A sort of peace comes with acceptance. I am helping my species by not reproducing. I would turn down any such opportunity because I could never risk creating another person like myself. It would be unfair to the child.

The dilemma is that I must continue to exist for foreseeable future (for ethical reasons). Sometimes when the pain of living is too great, I think about how it will all be over some day. I look forward to the day when there are no more thoughts, memories, or feelings. I do not believe in an afterlife, and the peace of oblivion has a lovely allure.

I'm at the bottom of a bottomless hole.
 
KP1

KP1

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Apr 4, 2008
Messages
1,500
Borderline everyone is a valuable individual.You are not an exception. You may not have had the treatment and support that you need. I immediately thought of a therapeutic community I don't know if they have them in Canada.
Don't give up on yourself try and seek some help and support.
You could start a blog on here.
Take care.
KP
 
B

Borderline

Guest
Thanks for the reply. I was actually banned from a previous Depression Forum because my opening post was too depressing (I toned it down this time).

I am seeing a psychiatrist and I'm on medication. Prozac and Risperidone. I'm being weaned off the latter starting tonight, and in favor of another medication. I forget what it's called, but it causes weight gain as a side-effect.

At this point, I'd be willing to lose my hair, teeth, and gain a few hundred pounds if it meant I could be at peace with myself. I'm willing to sacrifice my personality as well.

Probably a no on the blog idea, I'm not very good at writing.
 
B

Borderline

Guest
I broke down today and I may have to be committed. My avatar is exactly what I look like at the moment.
 
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