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I could screeeaaam!!

T

Topcat

Guest
The last 4 weeks or so, maybe more, I kind of gave up thinking about my eating. I gave up arguing with myself, just did what my first thought said (if that makes sense!) pretty much indulged my habit. But it's not a good idea, and I'm not feeling too great.

So anyway, my mind has felt in a slightly better place the last couple of days, so I've started thinking about trying to get better, again. But as soon as I think about eating, upping the calories, losing the app/writing things down that f**king voice is still there, shouting loud as ever, stopping me from just doing normal things.

This crap just makes me want to cry :(

I don't even know how I got here, why I got here. I don't want to be skinny, I don't have body issues, I don't aspire to be like anyone (except maybe someone mentally stable!). I went on an innocent diet to lose 9lbs, and 35lbs later here I am. Now I have body image issues, I hate my bony skinny body, yet I don't want to gain weight??! But I do want to gain weight??!

Aaaaaarrrrgghh!!!! This is so f**ked up!

Xx
 
speckles

speckles

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 9, 2012
Messages
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Location
Uk
I know what you mean, i want to get well but I don't want to eat but i know that can't go together. Then sometimes I do want to eat but i can't so i just pretend that i don't want to, it so messed up and confusing. My mum is ill at the moment and they are feeding her intravenously,(not ng tube) and I thought what a wonderful idea not having to think about food and having to eat and swallowing it and then I immediately felt guilty as she is in such an awful situation and i was thinking about food! and I would propbably find that difficult anyway cos it is still nutrition which scares me.

My suggestion though to you top cat is to get rid of the app as a first step. I find that weighing oneself and recording it usually as no positive effect. if weight is lost i feel both bad, and guilty but also a bit of pleasure, if i put on weight i feel bad and guilty and if i stay the same i feel bad and guilty, all of which makes me either want to not eat or to binge. So i don't do the weighing thing. However, may be i am just the other extreme of denial. I guess only you know whether the app is unhelpful or whether it is helpful because it confronts you.
 
prairiechick

prairiechick

ACCOUNT CLOSED
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Jul 28, 2010
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Hi Topcat,
I am sorry you are struggling so much. I don't really know what else to say except that I know what a struggle weight and body image issues can be.
 
L

LeeMarie

Well-known member
Joined
May 17, 2012
Messages
805
Location
U.S.
None of it really makes sense does it? My therapist tells me it's not about food, weight or body image for me. The food and weight are just the way I measure success and failure. I need to gain weight but whenever I allow myself to think that way, I find ways to lower my calorie count. Crazy, right? Please be careful about giving in totally to the "voice". I want the same thing - it seems easier to give in to that voice to stop the mental arguing. But, my therapist told me that once the logical Lee voice is gone, it will be soooo hard to get it back. So, we have to do the difficult job of fighting with the voice so it doesn't win. I hope I helped in some way - even if it's just to let you know you're not alone with your ED thoughts. Speckles - My therapist gave me a challenge to not weigh myself once a week and write down how I felt. Crazy, but that entire day I felt bloated and big as a house. It's so hard for me to give up the writing down calories and weighing myself several times a day, even though I know how bad it is for me (it fuels the ED). Big hugs to all of us and let peace come to our tortured minds. - Lee
 
T

Topcat

Guest
Your therapist is probably right Lee. It is so much less noisy in my head when not arguing with myself, it is easier. But give it an inch it takes a mile for sure. Since not arguing, my weight hasn't fluctuated, it's just gone down.

And why does the fact that we're doing damage, maybe long term, to ourselves, not stop us from this?? It's crazy. I want to be fit and healthy, but I obviously don't want it enough.

Xx
 
speckles

speckles

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Joined
Nov 9, 2012
Messages
1,680
Location
Uk
whatever you do don't beat yourself up about not wanting it enough. Of you want it its just you don't know how to go about it really and part of the eelings of not wanting it is the illness itself. There is a mode of thought expressed by the ed services in the UK is that those who have not/ do not recover are those who don't want it enough. I thought long and hard about this and I think it is wrong. No one wants an ed. they may have a role to play in getting better but only in the same way that a diabetic has to take their insulin to stay well. It is just that it is complication because currently there isn't a simple do this and it is better. however, in the future some of the treatments may get better. But don't beat yourself up and think it is because you don't want it enough.
 
P

picnic

Guest
...as soon as I think about eating, upping the calories, losing the app/writing things down that f**king voice is still there, shouting loud as ever, stopping me from just doing normal things.
Can I join you? Maybe if we all scream loud enough it'll drown the stupid voices out once and for all. OK, no it won't but I'm at a loss what else to do so screaming sounds like a good plan. xxx
 
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