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I could of done more.....

J

Jrick35

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Hello family. Hope everyone is doing okay. I lost my father back in June; he struggled with addiction and alcoholism and his heart couldn't take it anymore. Even though we didn't have the greatest relationship, I loved him and wanted him to get better. When I went to clean out his place, I dropped to my knees when I saw how he was living. The drugs and alcohol consumed him and he lived in an unhealthy condition. It hurt, Lord it hurt. I cried over and over again. I had recently seen Schlinder's List and remember at the end when said..."I could of done more....I could of saved more." I could of done more, I could of tried to save my dad. I'm still struggling with it and it hurts so bad. I'm sorry Dad.....
 
stevie_sloth

stevie_sloth

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No no NO.

I know how you feel. I feel this same way about some loved ones I couldn't save, but you simply CANNOT help someone who isn't ready or able to help themselves. You just can't.

My cousin died of a heroin overdose at age 15 (I was 18 at the time. I'm 43 now). My aunt and uncle felt horrendous for a long time and felt they should have done more. But it wasn't that simple. They had tried so many things to keep her safe. Nothing worked. They couldn't literally tie her to her bed or keep her in a locked cage. And the more they tried and pushed, the more she ran away.

It's just really hard. But YOU cannot control another person or cure / help their addiction.
 
J

Jrick35

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No no NO.

I know how you feel. I feel this same way about some loved ones I couldn't save, but you simply CANNOT help someone who isn't ready or able to help themselves. You just can't.

My cousin died of a heroin overdose at age 15 (I was 18 at the time. I'm 43 now). My aunt and uncle felt horrendous for a long time and felt they should have done more. But it wasn't that simple. They had tried so many things to keep her safe. Nothing worked. They couldn't literally tie her to her bed or keep her in a locked cage. And the more they tried and pushed, the more she ran away.

It's just really hard. But YOU cannot control another person or cure / help their addiction.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for this. Its so hard sometimes but I know I did my best. Just hurts
 
Squish

Squish

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Neverland
No no NO.

I know how you feel. I feel this same way about some loved ones I couldn't save, but you simply CANNOT help someone who isn't ready or able to help themselves. You just can't.

My cousin died of a heroin overdose at age 15 (I was 18 at the time. I'm 43 now). My aunt and uncle felt horrendous for a long time and felt they should have done more. But it wasn't that simple. They had tried so many things to keep her safe. Nothing worked. They couldn't literally tie her to her bed or keep her in a locked cage. And the more they tried and pushed, the more she ran away.

It's just really hard. But YOU cannot control another person or cure / help their addiction.
Yes! Exactly this.
I think there is also an element where we grieve about their downhill towards death (pain, suffering, etc.) and not just death. It's so hard sometimes to separate that from the "what if I had...I should have done/said/acted..." There is like a double loss. At least, that's what I feel in my situation...which is a bit different, though.
 
stevie_sloth

stevie_sloth

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Yes! Exactly this.
I think there is also an element where we grieve about their downhill towards death (pain, suffering, etc.) and not just death. It's so hard sometimes to separate that from the "what if I had...I should have done/said/acted..." There is like a double loss. At least, that's what I feel in my situation...which is a bit different, though.
That definitely makes sense. We grieve all the way along. We grieve every loss as we go through it. And we question and doubt and blame ourselves.
 
LearntheEssentials

LearntheEssentials

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May 22, 2021
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I was in Depression and addicted to Mariuana for a good 7 years.
My mother tried every weekend to get ahold of me.
I did not care. That fact did not exist for me in that situation.

Take it from someone that luckily made it out of an addiction:
YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT.
Don't hurt yourself by asking yourself "what if".
You tried your best and im sure he was thankfull for that, even if he couldn't express it at times.

-LTE
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

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Hi,
Please don't blame yourself, my dad died of a cardiac arrest from a heart attack a couple of years ago.
I had to do cpr I did my best, but it does hurt when you lose someone close to you.
Hugs
 
midnightphoenix

midnightphoenix

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You cant force someone to recover from anything, i havent had experiences with anyone addicted to anything, but i do know the pain of not being able to save someone, my grandma passed away in the night in a care home in March 2019 from her health conditions, I also lost a much loved cat (Ebony) in March 2018 and even now i still get the thoughts of "i could of saved her from her asthma and her brain cancers" which wasnt possible :hug1:

I am so sorry about your dad :hug1:
 
stevie_sloth

stevie_sloth

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I lost my beautiful furbaby Dweezil to horrible Ketoacidosis due to Diabetes over 3 years ago, and it still...I feel anguished and terribly guilty. Because I DID have SOME control over it. How much insulin to give twice a day, how much food, measuring how much water is drunk, trying to get as many pee test strips to check for Ketones as possible, watching the weight loss, watching for any signs of being hyper or hypoglycaemic...and then simply not being able to help anymore. I saved his life so many times...

One night a few days before we had to say goodbye, I was literally sitting on the kitchen floor with him at 1am, trying desperately to give him extra insulin, but the needle just kept going right through, as I couldn't get enough fat / good skin, as he was so thin. I ended up crying into his fur.

He was only 9. Too young. I failed him.
 
midnightphoenix

midnightphoenix

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I lost my beautiful furbaby Dweezil to horrible Ketoacidosis due to Diabetes over 3 years ago, and it still...I feel anguished and terribly guilty. Because I DID have SOME control over it. How much insulin to give twice a day, how much food, measuring how much water is drunk, trying to get as many pee test strips to check for Ketones as possible, watching the weight loss, watching for any signs of being hyper or hypoglycaemic...and then simply not being able to help anymore. I saved his life so many times...

One night a few days before we had to say goodbye, I was literally sitting on the kitchen floor with him at 1am, trying desperately to give him extra insulin, but the needle just kept going right through, as I couldn't get enough fat / good skin, as he was so thin. I ended up crying into his fur.

He was only 9. Too young. I failed him.
You didn't fail him, you did everything you could of done for him :hug1:
 
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