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I could be BPD and I have some recovery questions...

J

jonesas

New member
Joined
Sep 19, 2018
Messages
1
Over the past year or so I have noticed a decline in my mental health and fear it could be a personality disorder. My mum suffers with BPD and I do feel as though I meet the criteria. My GP has confirmed that I am displaying some classic signs of BPD but I am currently sitting pretty on an NHS waiting list in order to get this officially diagnosed.

I have changed MASSIVELY in the past 12 months, I am completely paranoid, anxious, chronically angry/irritable, terrified of my boyfriend leaving or cheating despite that NEVER being an issue before. My emotions fly completely out of proportion and all in the space of a few hours. I can't stop myself from taking it out on those around me. It's a complete mindf*ck for my boyfriend who is now constantly walking on egg shells around me and I just feel like an awful person. I am all over the place every day. I used to be such a kind, patient and calm person.

I have treated my partner (and everyone around me) so awfully through this and although it breaks my heart every time I just can't stop myself. I am at the point now where I feel as though I should break up with him to set him free. He loves me so much I think he would tolerate just about anything but if this is the way I am now he doesn't deserve that and I should definitely let him find someone who will treat him better.

I have read a lot of experiences from people online who completely demonise personality disorders and it makes me so worried that I have lost the old me.

Has anyone experienced their personality change this drastically through BPD/personality disorders and managed to get their old self back? Has medication been successful or therapy? Any ideas how to function in a relationship when you have a personality disorder?
 
Shadow-one

Shadow-one

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Nov 6, 2016
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Ireland
Hi jonesas

:welcome: to the forum :)

I'll start by saying that I have no solutions to offer you but I can tell you a bit about myself....

I was diagnosed with BPD just over three years ago.. I did have an apparant big personality change which nobody understood. I was in an extremely stressful time in my life......and it's like I had a breakdown and never came back....but I wasn't surprised to be honest because I always knew that the person they knew wasn't who I was inside. It was my 'fitting in because I have no idea who I am' person....

I always knew from as long as I can remember that I was completely different to everyone else.... In my family, at school, everywhere... So finally getting validation on that by getting my official diagnosis was amazing! I felt that at last I fitted in to some group.... somewhere.

I have been in weekly therapy for over three years already.... and we are still only breaking the surface. BPD is notoriously difficult to treat so if you go for therapy be prepared for a long road.

I recently changed psychiatrist (in January) and she has been seeing me every 2 weeks so far. I'm on lots of different meds but so far nothing has had any huge impact. However, I do feel that they are doing a job and we just need to find the right balance with the doses. She's really good and caring so I'm lucky to have her.

I'm married....no advice on relationships.. Like you he supports me when ever I'm able to accept it (but I tend to prefer talking to my therapist and psychiatrist) but my overall feeling is of guilt because I feel so depressed a lot of the time that I constantly wonder why on earth he stays...

I hope by sharing this makes you feel less alone with your problems - I'm sorry I have no solutions to your questions.

Hopefully someone else might have..

Take care :)
 
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