• Welcome! It’s great to see you.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

I considered hurting myself tonight

L

lemontree

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 1, 2021
Messages
74
Location
Home
I feel like crap. The worst part is I don't even have the reason to. I just got back results on my first assignment for college and I got 89%, I gave it my all and I was expecting to be at least in the 90's with a GPA of 9. I still got an A but it's pathetic, my friend who is less academically inclined than me got 100% and I am so happy for her but it just furthers the disappointment in myself. School was horrible for me and the only thing I ever did well at was the schoolwork, I didn't have any friends and was constantly bullied. Now I don't even have the smarts. I just wonder what the point is, I am 25 years old and getting upset over a grade like my life depends on it. Even though I have the skills to self soothe it's not always enough. But with BPD, I know that there will always be times like this where I want to hurt and I can't. I'm so ashamed of myself, the grade, my reaction to it, everything. I feel disgusted with myself I wish I had somebody to talk to about it but instead I just silently cried all night like a baby.
 
anex

anex

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 1, 2020
Messages
309
Location
USA
It’s okay to cry about that. I’m sad to hear you say you’re disgusted with yourself:( I’m proud of you! I understand the disappointment (I’ve been there for sure). I think 89% is really good! I don’t know you, but I bet you ARE smart. And you are so capable. You’ve got this. I hope you can accept your reactions. They’re your reactions! How you feel is valid. It’s okay to be disappointed. I hope you start saying kinder things to yourself and nurture that lovely inner child you have❤
 
Wishbone

Wishbone

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 20, 2019
Messages
618
Location
England
Getting 100% is a rare event, you almost always get marked down for something, so don't let that be your yardstick as if you too have to get a perfect grade. Your own grade was very, very good. Remind yourself that you got a good grade, a grade that was more than enough (does it need to be higher? do you get anything for getting higher?) and don't put unnecessary pressure on yourself to achieve perfection, you won't reach it. Your friend almost certainly won't repeat what they did, and you do not need to compete. Just get what you need; any more is only stress on your part, which could hinder any future work you do. Work hard but give yourself some breathing room and room for imperfection.
 
L

lemontree

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 1, 2021
Messages
74
Location
Home
It’s okay to cry about that. I’m sad to hear you say you’re disgusted with yourself:( I’m proud of you! I understand the disappointment (I’ve been there for sure). I think 89% is really good! I don’t know you, but I bet you ARE smart. And you are so capable. You’ve got this. I hope you can accept your reactions. They’re your reactions! How you feel is valid. It’s okay to be disappointed. I hope you start saying kinder things to yourself and nurture that lovely inner child you have❤
I have a hard time with the crying because my husband said it's "unnecessary", hence why I do so silently so that he doesn't hear as it frustrates him. I have tried to explain that it's because I get to a point of unbearable emotion and that's when I used to hurt myself, but these days I just cry instead to release the emotions. He claims he has BPD but he's never been diagnosed and while I think he shares some of my traits for sure, he has a pointed lack of empathy and a general unwillingness to understand anyone who is different to him.

I think the grade just hurts because I don't understand how my friend did so well. But I feel guilty to say that because that sounds as if I am not happy for her which isn't true. I just don't understand how I got such a shit grade when I really gave it my best, it's not like I was over confident and therefore didn't try.

Thank you for replying though, I appreciate that - it helps to know that there are people out there who do care :)
 
L

lemontree

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 1, 2021
Messages
74
Location
Home
BPD isnt easy to live with :hug1:

i hope you can avoid doing a hurt to yourself :hug1:
Thank you - I didn't end up doing so, I think it would take a lot for that now as I quit about 4 years ago but sometimes the urge is still so strong that I feel like I can't move or I'll do it. I know it sounds melodramatic but it is really like that, but I always feel better that I cried instead.

Thank you for replying, it means a lot to me :)
 
L

lemontree

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 1, 2021
Messages
74
Location
Home
Getting 100% is a rare event, you almost always get marked down for something, so don't let that be your yardstick as if you too have to get a perfect grade. Your own grade was very, very good. Remind yourself that you got a good grade, a grade that was more than enough (does it need to be higher? do you get anything for getting higher?) and don't put unnecessary pressure on yourself to achieve perfection, you won't reach it. Your friend almost certainly won't repeat what they did, and you do not need to compete. Just get what you need; any more is only stress on your part, which could hinder any future work you do. Work hard but give yourself some breathing room and room for imperfection.
I guess I just feel inferior as I thought I could have done better, maybe that isn't the case though. I still have results waiting on another three assignments and I am supposed to be working on another one now though so I just feel like, what is the point really. These new results aren't going to be any better I think, seeing as I thought my other assignments were very high quality like the first one and that didn't turn out to be the case. I want to tell my friend not to tell me her results because I don't have the emotional maturity to not take it to heart but I recognize that this is unfair to say and she has every right to be happy and excited and wish to share the news. Meanwhile I told my husband my grade but nobody else, I don't think I will as it's an embarrassment. But I just hope he doesn't tell anyone either.

I think I was just hoping to be in the top band as I always was in school and it made me feel like I wasn't good for nothing. Not to mention that my husband's ex went to study in another country and was one of the top 20 I think so I feel really stupid. I think the problem is that I had this sense of being good because I was at least smart but I'm not actually. I am average at best, and then well below average in every other area in my life.

Thank you for replying, it means a lot to me. I can't stop feeling depressed but hopefully I will be able to put it aside enough to finish this next assignment, although I don't suppose I really care if it doesn't get finished on time anymore. It's refreshing to be able to be honest because if I speak my mind like this at home I just get told I am being stupid and to shut up.
 
Wishbone

Wishbone

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 20, 2019
Messages
618
Location
England
An 'A' grade is not average, far from it.
An 'A' grade is not an embarassment, far from it.

Repeat this to yourself many times.

You have to change your mindset about expectations around grading. You've had one grade that was very good but you have taken it to be bad (nobody else will think so) and you've allowed yourself to think this means you aren't smart at all. One grade! Doesn't that sound silly to hear yourself doing that?

It doesn't matter what your friend got or gets in the future, ot doesn't matter what your husbands ex got, it doesn't matter what a Nobel prize winner got. It only matters that you did enough to get what you need. The unrealistic expectations will only ever eat you up inside. Try looking here for ways to change your thinking: Unhelpful Thinking Habits There are loads of others on there so have a look around.
 
L

lemontree

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 1, 2021
Messages
74
Location
Home
Doesn't that sound silly to hear yourself doing that?
I don't think you understand. That is the point. I feel pathetic and I have already been through CBT and DBT, I know my coping skills, I use them all the time but in some instances such as this it isn't enough. Nothing can override my brain when it gets to this point, not even myself. I want to die and you're calling me silly. I know I am silly and that's why I want to die. Because it's pathetic. And I know it. Yet I really am helpless to do anything about it, I know this because I have been trying to self soothe and use various coping skills for 12 hours now. Sometimes this is just the way it is. But I know it's silly, that is the crux of my issues. I understand fully when I am being ridiculous but I can never make the urges to hurt myself or dying go away, and it just makes those things worse because I am 25 with the mind of maybe a 5 year old, even that may be too generous. I am trapped in my own head and there is a point where I can no longer do anything about it, I just have to ride it out and live with the intense distress for however long it decides to last this time.
 
Wishbone

Wishbone

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 20, 2019
Messages
618
Location
England
I knew that phrasing would prove to be a mistake, I hold my hands up, I should have worded it better knowing the response it would get. But you CAN override your brain because it is thoughts that are doing this to you, a series of thoughts running free.
I do understand but you need to keep pushing yourself to realise what it is you are expecting of yourself, and it is only you expecting these things. When I say silly I don't mean that you are being silly and should pull ypourself together or something, I mean it in a way of saying that you are fretting over a miniscule difference that in the end serves no purpose. It'd be like Usain Bolt being distraught that he didn't get 9.57 when he won the Olympic Gold: who cares! You won!
 
NWiddi

NWiddi

Well-known member
Forum Safety Team
Joined
May 6, 2017
Messages
6,615
Location
Sheffield
that's why I want to die.
Please don't be hard on yourself lemontree, you did really well on your assignment.

It may help to have a look at these two pages on the forum: Suicidal Crisis and Mental Health Forum - Getting Help about what to do if you're feeling suicidal, or if you need emergency help. I hope you can use the forum for support during this difficult time.

If you’re thinking about suicide and are in immediate danger, please call your local emergency number (i.e. in the UK call 999, in the USA or Canada call 911, in Australia call 000 and in New Zealand call 111) or call the international emergency number of 112.

If you have been affected by the contents of this thread and would like to speak to someone about your feelings you can call one of the following helplines:

In the UK and Ireland, the Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123.
In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255.
In Canada, the Suicide Prevention Service on 1.833.456.4566.
In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is on 13 11 14.
In New Zealand, the Need to Talk service is on 1737 or 080017371737.
Other international helplines can be found at www.befrienders.org.
 
L

lemontree

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 1, 2021
Messages
74
Location
Home
I knew that phrasing would prove to be a mistake, I hold my hands up, I should have worded it better knowing the response it would get. But you CAN override your brain because it is thoughts that are doing this to you, a series of thoughts running free.
I do understand but you need to keep pushing yourself to realise what it is you are expecting of yourself, and it is only you expecting these things. When I say silly I don't mean that you are being silly and should pull ypourself together or something, I mean it in a way of saying that you are fretting over a miniscule difference that in the end serves no purpose. It'd be like Usain Bolt being distraught that he didn't get 9.57 when he won the Olympic Gold: who cares! You won!
You are right. Unfortunately I think that depression has really sown its seeds this time and for whatever reason, those results are what set it off. I'll just try to be more careful with myself the next few days. I apologise for going off at you, I think that I couldn't see straight but it was still no excuse to be rude to you when you're just trying to help. Hopefully things will be better once I have finished and handed in this next assignment then I can take a break. I hope you have a great week :)
 
Wishbone

Wishbone

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 20, 2019
Messages
618
Location
England
Me too. Can I ask, why is your username lemontree?
 
anex

anex

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 1, 2020
Messages
309
Location
USA
I have a hard time with the crying because my husband said it's "unnecessary", hence why I do so silently so that he doesn't hear as it frustrates him. I have tried to explain that it's because I get to a point of unbearable emotion and that's when I used to hurt myself, but these days I just cry instead to release the emotions. He claims he has BPD but he's never been diagnosed and while I think he shares some of my traits for sure, he has a pointed lack of empathy and a general unwillingness to understand anyone who is different to him.

I think the grade just hurts because I don't understand how my friend did so well. But I feel guilty to say that because that sounds as if I am not happy for her which isn't true. I just don't understand how I got such a shit grade when I really gave it my best, it's not like I was over confident and therefore didn't try.

Thank you for replying though, I appreciate that - it helps to know that there are people out there who do care :)
For real? Your husband said that? That’s messed up. Crying is NOT “unnecessary.” That’s his problem if he feels uncomfortable with you crying. I’m so sorry he said that and now you feel like you can’t even cry around him. It frustrates him? Why on earth would his partner crying frustrate him? Does he not have empathy? I don’t mean to knock him, but that’s not okay to be treated like that. I saw in another post above that at home you get called stupid and are told to shut up. Is that your husband, too? *hug*
 
L

lemontree

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 1, 2021
Messages
74
Location
Home
Me too. Can I ask, why is your username lemontree?
I just thought of it as I looked outside and saw my neighbor's lemon tree - nothing special but I was drawing a blank on something that wasn't linked to my personal life in any way. I thought lemontree was pretty safe. What about you? Do you have a special story about wishbones? :)
 
Similar threads
Thread starter Title Forum Replies Date
M Could this be considered a BPD trait? Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 5
J Hurting myself Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 8
Fairy Lucretia i don't think i can give up hurting myself Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 2
M hurting Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 4
W Unstable Relationships - Accidentally Hurting Others Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 3
S how to stop from hurting those I love Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 4
M Being kind to myself. How? Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 6
L my opinion of myself is based on the opinion of others Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 5
T i scare myself, i am about to lose everything Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 12
Fairy Fountain I don't know how to stand up for myself. Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 27
R I hate myself Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 3
L Struggling to accept life after years of trying to kill myself. Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 12
UnstableSolace Letting myself get treated badly, help Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 7
L Comparing myself / getting angry about boyfriend's past Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 1
S I'm afraid of myself Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 12
V I tried to harm myself today... Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 7
Fairy Lucretia because i don't hurt myself as much Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 3
O Struggling to forgive myself Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 34
S I'm taking a vow of silence (I feel ashamed of myself) Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 2
S I'm Fighting A Battle With Myself Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 1
P I don't feel like myself Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 11
S I Can't Believe Myself!! Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 8
Sadbutgettingbetter feel like i can't stand myself right now Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 5
E I can’t explain myself clearly Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 5

Similar threads

Top