• Welcome! It’s great to see you.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

i cant understand or relate to most people

Ras

Ras

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 24, 2020
Messages
596
Location
ᛁ ᚨᛗ ᛖᚹᛖᚱᛃᚹᚺᛖᚱᛖ
What he has doesn’t matter to me, we are no longer together and I have to give myself closure from that relationship since my ex never will, I am still working on completing that closure, but am almost there.

You do indeed sound like him, but my replies to you have been about you and not him. I am not sure I am making sense here lol !

We lasted as long as we did because for as long as I didn’t realise who he was, he was happy to carry on pretending. Post break up, when there was nothing to loose or gain from discussion. he gave me the opportunity to know him for who he really is. It didn’t give me the closure I needed exactly, but it helped.
That’s how I recognised you if I am honest. That is also why I can understand you, to a certain extent.
Had my ex not talked to me, I don’t think I could have ever learned his language.
All the time I thought I was having to walk on eggshells so as not to make him angry, all the bending backwards, all the sacrifices I made....were to make him happy. I now realise that I was just as dysfunctional as him, but in the complete opposite way. He wasn’t the only problem, I was too.
I wish we could have talked whilst we were still together, because we would never have had all the miscommunication that we had, and might have been able to make things work. I only ever saw he mask he always wore, till it slipped and I glimpsed his real face. He saw my real face at first, and then my mask went on, bit by bit, till I was suffocated by my own attempts to make him happy.
I don’t blame him at all for who he is, we are all different
hopefully you get the closure you are after soon.

You are making sense. I am just used to be compared to others exes in a way haha, i have heard it a fair few times so i automatically just assume im being compared now. thats on me not you.
You said walking on eggshells so not to make him angry. I fully get that as i have a bad temper but i can for the most part hold that in these days as i have gotten a bit older. Not a easy thing to do though
 
Crazyswede

Crazyswede

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 5, 2020
Messages
50
Location
Norfolk
hopefully you get the closure you are after soon.

You are making sense. I am just used to be compared to others exes in a way haha, i have heard it a fair few times so i automatically just assume im being compared now. thats on me not you.
You said walking on eggshells so not to make him angry. I fully get that as i have a bad temper but i can for the most part hold that in these days as i have gotten a bit older. Not a easy thing to do though
What I discovered was that my efforts to please actually exacerbated the problem. Miscommunication on both sides.
People like me tend to over explain, over complicate, and, in the absence of any explanation from the other party as to what is wrong, I try harder to please. Vicious circle.

Maybe if you need space and time on your own in a relationship, you should make sure you articulate your reasons why. Otherwise, a partner might interpret your absence as something else, and try harder to please you, thinking that your absence is because they are lacking in some way. This in turn could make you feel that they are suffocating you and being too clingy.

I’m not sure where this started now. Interesting conversation but I think we have digressed lol
 
Ras

Ras

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 24, 2020
Messages
596
Location
ᛁ ᚨᛗ ᛖᚹᛖᚱᛃᚹᚺᛖᚱᛖ
What I discovered was that my efforts to please actually exacerbated the problem.
how so?

Maybe if you need space and time on your own in a relationship, you should make sure you articulate your reasons why
haha i cant imagine me just telling them that i cant stand being around them for overly long will go that well

Otherwise, a partner might interpret your absence as something else, and try harder to please you, thinking that your absence is because they are lacking in some way
that is kind of the problem though. From my past experiences they all do lack something. Granted that is on me though because i easily get bored. Like extremely bored and if someone cant keep me entertained, i get bored of them fast and very irritated by being around them.
The only person in my life that i dont get like that with is my son. I wish at times i could connect to others like i can him.

I’m not sure where this started now. Interesting conversation but I think we have digressed lol
maybe but still been a interesting convo and i have enjoyed reading your comments
 
Crazyswede

Crazyswede

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 5, 2020
Messages
50
Location
Norfolk
because my personality type naturally wants to keep a partner ( friend / family member etc) happy. Due to speaking different languages, my interpretation of that would be, for example, to give that partner my undivided attention, or buy them a gift, cook a special meal etc, when in fact my partner would have wanted the opposite....space!


=“Ras, post: 2325093, member: 94430”]haha i cant imagine me just telling them that i cant stand being around them for overly long will go that well
you would be surprised. In my case, all I ever wanted was honest communication


=“Ras, post: 2325093, member: 94430”]that is kind of the problem though. From my past experiences they all do lack something. Granted that is on me though because i easily get bored. Like extremely bored and if someone cant keep me entertained, i get bored of them fast and very irritated by being around them.
The only person in my life that i dont get like that with is my son. I wish at times i could connect to others like i can him
That probably points to what we have touched on earlier.
If for instance I was a kid and had a toy, sooner or later I would get fed up with it because I would maybe imagine several scenarios with the make believe world around that toy and have fun playing......but the toy is constant and doesn’t contribute anything other than its presence. It’s made of metal ( plastic or whatever), and cannot stimulate me any further than my own imagination. Eventually I will get bored, and want a break, and/or get another toy.
If however, I was a kid playing with a friend, the friend changes the dynamics because they are sentient in their own right. Every time we play, it’s different. We entertain each other.
 
Ras

Ras

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 24, 2020
Messages
596
Location
ᛁ ᚨᛗ ᛖᚹᛖᚱᛃᚹᚺᛖᚱᛖ
because my personality type naturally wants to keep a partner ( friend / family member etc) happy. Due to speaking different languages, my interpretation of that would be, for example, to give that partner my undivided attention, or buy them a gift, cook a special meal etc, when in fact my partner would have wanted the opposite....space!
do you handle space well?
you would be surprised. In my case, all I ever wanted was honest communication
I will keep that in mind. Nothing else seems to work so blatant honesty might do the trick

If for instance I was a kid and had a toy, sooner or later I would get fed up with it because I would maybe imagine several scenarios with the make believe world around that toy and have fun playing......but the toy is constant and doesn’t contribute anything other than its presence. It’s made of metal ( plastic or whatever), and cannot stimulate me any further than my own imagination. Eventually I will get bored, and want a break, and/or get another toy.
the way you talk about a toy is how i kind of feel about people i am in relationships with. they are fun till they serve their purpose and after that, they are old and not appealing anymore and i want something new
 
Crazyswede

Crazyswede

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 5, 2020
Messages
50
Location
Norfolk
I quite enjoy space, solitude and my own company to enjoy my hobbies, or whatever.
The issue with my ex ( sorry to go on about him but that’s the only reference point I have), was that I thought that I didn’t have time for space, because my personality type just wants to make the other person happy. The dysfunction is mine ( or my personality type, shall we say). In the absence of a valid reason for my partners periods of silence, I filled the void with excess conversation, busying myself trying to occupy him etc. The polar opposite of what he wanted...but I didn’t know that. Because of our dynamic, in 22 years I went out only four times on my own, for my own enjoyment. I am an artist, but didn’t paint, sculpt or use my pottery wheel at all in 22 years......because I was busy helping my partner make his own hobby our way of life and our income. If he had been able to explain, I would have jumped at the chance for space.

Incidentally, during this time, he went out regularly on his own and so had his space, and I never questioned it, instead, I diminished myself further and further to accommodate. It’s messed up that’s for sure. I can quite see how I became the very opposite of whatever attracted him to me in the first place.

With regard to the toy, your reply is the reason that I chose the toy analogy. I get you. I “get” my partner now of course, after it’s too late.
Toys and people are different because people exist in their own right, and their feelings and actions are valid to them, even if not to you. Interacting with a person is a two away street where as Interacting with a toy necessitates all the input ( or withdrawal) to come from the kid playing with it.

This is a fascinating exchange!
 
Ras

Ras

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 24, 2020
Messages
596
Location
ᛁ ᚨᛗ ᛖᚹᛖᚱᛃᚹᚺᛖᚱᛖ
I quite enjoy space, solitude and my own company to enjoy my hobbies, or whatever.
The issue with my ex ( sorry to go on about him but that’s the only reference point I have), was that I thought that I didn’t have time for space, because my personality type just wants to make the other person happy. The dysfunction is mine ( or my personality type, shall we say). In the absence of a valid reason for my partners periods of silence, I filled the void with excess conversation, busying myself trying to occupy him etc. The polar opposite of what he wanted...but I didn’t know that. Because of our dynamic, in 22 years I went out only four times on my own, for my own enjoyment. I am an artist, but didn’t paint, sculpt or use my pottery wheel at all in 22 years......because I was busy helping my partner make his own hobby our way of life and our income. If he had been able to explain, I would have jumped at the chance for space.
You think in the future after just pleasing your ex for that long without thinking of yourself that you are more likely to put yourself first every so often and say what you want?

With regard to the toy, your reply is the reason that I chose the toy analogy. I get you. I “get” my partner now of course, after it’s too late.
Toys and people are different because people exist in their own right, and their feelings and actions are valid to them, even if not to you. Interacting with a person is a two away street where as Interacting with a toy necessitates all the input ( or withdrawal) to come from the kid playing with it.
the toy was a good analogy indeed.
toys and people are different, yes and no. They kind of feel the same to me. No matter how i try and look at it
 
Crazyswede

Crazyswede

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 5, 2020
Messages
50
Location
Norfolk
Yes, I am learning to speak up for myself more now. However it is hard to know where socially acceptable boundaries are, when I have lived a life with no goalposts - hard to know there “ centre “ actually is !

Toys and people are very different to me. Every person, is a person in their own right. A toy is just a toy. :)
 
Ras

Ras

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 24, 2020
Messages
596
Location
ᛁ ᚨᛗ ᛖᚹᛖᚱᛃᚹᚺᛖᚱᛖ
Yes, I am learning to speak up for myself more now. However it is hard to know where socially acceptable boundaries are, when I have lived a life with no goalposts - hard to know there “ centre “ actually is !
that's good and meh i wouldn't worry about any social acceptable boundaries. Just do what is best for you

Toys and people are very different to me. Every person, is a person in their own right. A toy is just a toy.
i guess it depends how you look at it. Toys and people are very different but also very similar
 
Crazyswede

Crazyswede

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 5, 2020
Messages
50
Location
Norfolk
What’s best for me is what is socially acceptable, because that’s the middle ground and the fairest. All lives matter ;)

You can’t hurt a toy, or its feelings. It won’t love or hate you. It’s not alive. All lives matter ;)
 
Ras

Ras

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 24, 2020
Messages
596
Location
ᛁ ᚨᛗ ᛖᚹᛖᚱᛃᚹᚺᛖᚱᛖ
What’s best for me is what is socially acceptable, because that’s the middle ground and the fairest.
glad to hear it

ou can’t hurt a toy, or its feelings. It won’t love or hate you. It’s not alive.
hmm i honestly didnt even take into account feelings or anything like that. Even writing this out i am not really doing that. I am trying to think of it but its just not there
 
GeminiMoon

GeminiMoon

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 5, 2020
Messages
353
Location
Belgium
My brother has aspd. Before he was 2yo, at times he was beaten by my father who had a really bad temper. When I was born my mother left but the damage was done. Having that happen in such early development is what I believe made him only care about his own survival. He got into drugs, dealing, gangs, violent crime. Late 20s he quit all that and started his own IT company. Got married and had 2 kids. She'd grown up in a religious organisation that did sporadic home schooling. But she wore $400 skirts and his main concern was how a partner made him look. They were both, let's say, self involved. When his marriage was falling apart and he had no one else he tried to take his own life. It just messed his spine up so he couldn't work anymore. Now all he has and all he cares about is his daughter.

There were a couple of rare moments that he showed empathy. So I believe it is possible. It's difficult to deal with trauma that happened when someone was too young to remember.
 
Ras

Ras

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 24, 2020
Messages
596
Location
ᛁ ᚨᛗ ᛖᚹᛖᚱᛃᚹᚺᛖᚱᛖ
My brother has aspd. Before he was 2yo, at times he was beaten by my father who had a really bad temper. When I was born my mother left but the damage was done. Having that happen in such early development is what I believe made him only care about his own survival. He got into drugs, dealing, gangs, violent crime. Late 20s he quit all that and started his own IT company. Got married and had 2 kids. She'd grown up in a religious organisation that did sporadic home schooling. But she wore $400 skirts and his main concern was how a partner made him look. They were both, let's say, self involved. When his marriage was falling apart and he had no one else he tried to take his own life. It just messed his spine up so he couldn't work anymore. Now all he has and all he cares about is his daughter.

There were a couple of rare moments that he showed empathy. So I believe it is possible. It's difficult to deal with trauma that happened when someone was too young to remember.
that sucks about your brother. I also had a fair bit of trauma as a kid, so that might be something that could set it off. dont know.
I can relate to the part you said about your brother and his daughter. My son is everything to me and nobody has ever made me feel anything like he does.

I also dont work now like you said with your brother but instead of spine injuries it is because of manly schizophrenia symptoms. Does your brother get bored a lot now that he doesnt work? I get such extreme amounts of boredom its crazy where i have to stop myself from doing pretty much anything to distract myself from it
 
GeminiMoon

GeminiMoon

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 5, 2020
Messages
353
Location
Belgium
Oh yea he always had to be doing something. From age of 3-4 he'd be running around town finding other kids to play with. Then stealing money to go play video games. To gambling addiction. Always had found excitement and had some wild story to tell.

Haven't talked to him in years. I will have to at some point. I know he takes his daughter to ride skateboards. Used to play lego with her and sell it. And he was getting her to learn about robotics as a future employment opportunity. Since he reasoned robots are the future.
 
Ras

Ras

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 24, 2020
Messages
596
Location
ᛁ ᚨᛗ ᛖᚹᛖᚱᛃᚹᚺᛖᚱᛖ
Oh yea he always had to be doing something. From age of 3-4 he'd be running around town finding other kids to play with. Then stealing money to go play video games. To gambling addiction. Always had found excitement and had some wild story to tell.
sounds like something i would have done. I also did a lot of things that ended up seriously hurting myself.

Haven't talked to him in years. I will have to at some point. I know he takes his daughter to ride skateboards. Used to play lego with her and sell it. And he was getting her to learn about robotics as a future employment opportunity. Since he reasoned robots are the future.
sounds fun. Robots very well might be the future
 
Similar threads
Thread starter Title Forum Replies Date
M I cant find someone like me Personality Disorders Forum 6

Similar threads

Top