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i cant understand myself ,am i weird?

T

trying_my_best

Member
Joined
Jun 8, 2019
Messages
13
Location
england
firstly im sorry if my post is boringly long but im desperate for help and advice without being judged or feeling stupid
which is always the case with those in my life i opened upto

i was diagnosed with anxiety and depression at the age of 18 ,(now 38) i have been prescribed various meds over this time ,however its only grown harder to live with ,and the past 2 years inparticular everything in my life fell apart
and im struggling to recover and understand what is wrong with me as i question if my diagnosis is correct
in these 2 years ive lost my job ,friends ,my kids ,home ,got in huge debt and started to self medicate to get through life ,
id always managed to plod on with life up until then but a breakup and loss of contact with my kids due to my ex wife brainwashing them hit me hard and lifes been difficult ever since

i question my decisions constantly ,i can never feel certain about anything , i struggle with being my self in fear of looking stupid or weird ,im told im too nice and caring and wish i could stop as i feel pathetic ,i have to talk myself into leaving the house , i feel as if people are judging me or staring ,i cant trust people ,someone i see as a good friend now can quickly change ,what i want or consider a good idea rapidly changes along with my mood and emotions i worry about everything in life and feel massive guilt over whether i made the right decision or if i was over reacting to something,i can rarely forgive people ,relationships are too difficult due to difficulty trusting and me looking for validation they care about me as much,i dont know what i want in life and cant seem to ever enjoy anything or feel good,the only thing keeping me alive is the worry of upsetting my mum and leaving my debts to deal with

i did a lot of reading and searching and felt i had the traits of bpd but question whether self diagnosing is the best thing to do ,my Gp is just useless and doesnt listen or seem interested in helping ,can anyone relate ?




ive always felt different to others in the way i think,worry and react to things ,even as a child i remember always fearing being disliked or looking stupid to people.
 
toutatis

toutatis

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 24, 2018
Messages
1,367
Location
New Zealand
Hi trying_my_best,

No, I don't think you're weird at all. I think you're just a self aware human being who, over the years, realizes his own mental struggles. So, what is the answer? Well, if the mental health field with all their apparent expertise around the functioning's of the mind haven't produced the goods, then I can only say, it's up to you - us - to find our way. I'm in the same boat, friend.

I just wanted to say, I don't think you're weird at all. Just a human being with concerns.
 
T

trying_my_best

Member
Joined
Jun 8, 2019
Messages
13
Location
england
Thank you for taking time to comment and advise ,I appreciate it ,it’s so hard to understand what’s going on in my mind and knowing what normal is ,as you say the so called experts have no idea and in most cases little interest in helping ,I’m just thankful for forums like this where I don’t feel judged and can talk to people who can relate and not judge or criticise
 
K

Keesha

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 19, 2019
Messages
1,806
Location
N/A
Hey, if it helps at all, I feel the same way.
There is no manual on how to be a normal human being so we try the best we can and that’s the best we can do. Some people are better at it than others and if I had the answer then I’d gladly help you out but unfortunately I don’t. My husband says that everyone is insecure. Some people just have a better way of hiding it. I’m not sure if he’s right or not but from reading many posts here, it would appear to be true. You can’t be anyone else but you.
 
sad_heart20

sad_heart20

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 20, 2020
Messages
296
Location
USA
anixety age 18
depression age 18
borderline personality disorder age 38 (possible)

you have good review of yourself. you have had ups and downs in your life. relationships with human beings seems to be the most challenging for you. you do understand, you are not that stupid. have you tried a self assessment? have you tried CBT Therapy? have you identified the triggers that led you to such behaviors like that?

I think you have good idea knowing who you are basically but do you KNOW what makes you feel happy? The "Happiness road" for you is just starting. Start a happy list is my best idea for you.
 
M

Makesmeafighter

Member
Joined
Mar 13, 2020
Messages
8
Location
Away
My first advise is to find a good psychiatrist.
The twist is good psychiatrists are challenging to find :)
But though a mixture of sek
Lf awarness, medication, therapy, reading (self education about your issues and seft work will make the most difference in your way to recovery).
Cheer up mate. Wishing you the best :dance:
 
T

trying_my_best

Member
Joined
Jun 8, 2019
Messages
13
Location
england
anixety age 18
depression age 18
borderline personality disorder age 38 (possible)

you have good review of yourself. you have had ups and downs in your life. relationships with human beings seems to be the most challenging for you. you do understand, you are not that stupid. have you tried a self assessment? have you tried CBT Therapy? have you identified the triggers that led you to such behaviors like that?

I think you have good idea knowing who you are basically but do you KNOW what makes you feel happy? The "Happiness road" for you is just starting. Start a happy list is my best idea for you.
I’ve tried self assessments and they point towards a personality disorder moreso Bpd ,I’ve not had cbt I’ve had counselling but found it no help ,I can’t figure out what my triggers are as much as I try and the hardest thing is I don’t know what would bring me happiness,I’m not a materialistic person and can’t imagine anything that would make me feel any different to how I do now ,although a stable life/mind would be nice
 
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