I can't take it anymore! I am literally beyond depressed.

[PsychoBumby93]

Hiyas good folks

I hope that everyone on here is doing really good. I just can't take it anymore. I wish that I was dead.

I am really struggling right now to even figure out if I have a purpose in this life, cause I don't feel like I do.

I have been crying all morning...that's what I am doing right now. I can't do anything right and I hate it.

I hate the way that I look. I don't want to be fat but I can't seem to get up and exercise. I sometimes will buy a bunch of health food and just let it sit and spoil.

I fucking hate my bitch of a landlord. This idiot will not fix anything at all and has left me in a jam more times than I can dare to tell you. This bitch will yammer on and on about how she cares about me but if she sees me on the street, she won't even acknowledge me. This idiot will come into my apartment and see that it is beyond clean and still yammer about a little dirt in a corner.

I hate my job. My boss does not pay me nearly enough money to even function. I am a phone sex operator. Do you have any idea about the disgusting things that I have to hear on a daily basis? If I tell her that I want more money, she just tells me to stop complaining.

I can't wash my clothes on a monthly basis and people talk about it. I take a bath everyday but I can maybe wash my clothes once every couple of months. I am so sick of motherfuckers yammering about my clothes but won't offer me $5 or even come over and see if I am alive.

I am a diabetic. I have been one for maybe about 5 years now. I take the pills on occasion but I am not touching the insulin. At one point, the doctors say that I am fine but apparently everything in my body is close to falling apart. My sugar is like through the roof and part of me doesn't even care.

I went to the hospital last march for something called DKA and ever since then, the fear of death has been looming over me. I keep having these constant dreams of either stepping out of my body or having my subscious sit by me in the dark or floating out of my body or screaming in my dreams the words "I am not alive, I am not alive anymore"!

The last time that I went to the doctor, she said that one of the solutions to lowering my blood sugar would be to go on a pill that would cause me to gain more weight. I am 221 lbs....why the fuck would I want to gain more weight? Isn't diabetes supposed to go into remission by doing exercise and diet?

I miss my mother. I miss having stability. I hate this time of year cause I lost my mother on Christmas day. I miss hugs and love and feeling like I had a home. I miss having people around me who actually gave a damn. I am surrounded by so many fake people that it is crazy.

When it comes to my dreams, they are like a portal for my family members. You just never know who is going to pop up in them, on any given night. My mother is my most frequent visitor, she doesn't visit my dreams very often but its definitely memorable when she does.

I had a dream about a year after my mother passed away and I asked her to take me with her and she wouldn't do it. I don't know why she wouldn't do it, cause I don't want to be on earth without her. My life is nothing without my mother, she kept everything together and she was a good person and a far better person than I will ever be.

I am kind to everyone. I go out of my way to be good to people and that kindness is almost never reciprocated. My home is always open. My fridge and my pantry are open to everyone. Do you think that same kindness is shown back to me? IT NEVER IS!

I am not even supposed to reveal how nice I am because that makes me seem like an asshole but I am really nice. Like super triple mega mocha nice with sprinkles.

I have someone who is actively trying to brainwash me and make me think that she is my only friend. This person might be a lesbian. This person keeps taking me to drug houses, when she knows that I don't believe in that AT ALL. This person once tried to ambush me into getting renter's insurance, when I keep telling her profusely that I don't want it.

I want so badly to be with my mother. I want to be with my family. I almost took a drink today, because I am so depressed. I was at meijer this morning and I almost brought a bottle of wine and I just couldn't do it. I wanted so badly just to drink and then I realized that when the bottle is empty, my problems will still be there. I can't become an alcoholic, that will just make things worse.

I just want to close out the world. I just want to become a hermit. I am so tired of being sad. I have done a lot of weird things in my life but even I don't deserve to be this unhappy. I don't know how to fix this mess! I just wish that I did not exist anymore. I don't know if I have a purpose. I am just so tired of being around stupid people!

 

[bpd2020]

Hello. I am not surprised you feel depressed with all you have going on. Lets break this down a bit.

It is hard to loose weight when we are depressed. I know excess weight adds to our low self worth so I understand. Buying health food will not do anything if you do not enjoy the food. You may be better off trying to eat your meals regularly so you do not get hungry and accepting your body for now. You can focus on loosing weight when you feel ready.

Your landlord sounds horrible. To ignore you in the street is rude and it is up to you if your home is not spotless. Maybe you can report them to the landlords association? If you do not feel up to it I hope you can ignore them.

I think it is important you take your insulin. If your blood sugar is high then it will help. Please do not let yourself be any more ill then you already feel. It will help your mood if your blood levels are in order too. I looked up DKA. I can understand why you are having such nightmares. You are worried about your health so it make you dream of that. How strange your Dr told you to take a pill to cause weight gain. I wonder if you need to see another Dr? I would not want to take such a pill either.

Your job must be so tough. It must be really hard to detach yourself from hearing the things people say on the phone. It is so hard for you not having access to a washing machine. I am guessing you do not have a bath to wash them in their either. What a shame.

It must be so painful not having your mum. Christmas is so hard when we do not have family. All we hear are people having fun with family and it hurts not to have that too.

I know if somebody is nice then people can take advantage of that. It sounds like you may have been too kind to people who did not deserve it. This shows they were not worthy of your kindness. This does not mean you will not meet nice people in the future. Please do not give up hope. You need to drop your friend. A true friend would not try to get you into drugs. If you do not want to take drugs then it is dangerous to be around somebody like that.

I think life is worse when we have toxic people in it. I know feeling lonely can make us stay with the wrong kind of people but getting rid of them will help you. Allow the people in your life who make you feel good about yourself and get rid of those who do the opposite.

You sound very low. Have you told your doctor? I think you could really do with some professional support. I have found being on an antidepressant and having therapy has helped me so much.