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I can't stand that the girl I really like is engaged. I have extreme hatred for her fiance?

A

astr591

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Jul 16, 2014
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I can't stand that the girl I really like is engaged. I have extreme hatred for her fiance?

there is this tutor I worked with in college for my math class. She is about 28 and I am 22. One thing I notice My class ended but I still see her around a lot on campus and we chat a lot. I have asked questions about this situation before. I realize I have a big crush on her and think about her a lot, but I have zero chance with her because she is engaged and she is older. But despite that I have developed some kind of obsession with her. I think about her all the time and the last time we spoke I secretly switched the recorder on my phone on and recorded the entire conversation, and I listen to it over and over


and the biggest thing, i keep thinking about the next time I see her, I am constantly planning everything about that next time, like exactly what to say or talk about. I have fake conversations with myself pretending it is her. I also feel really mad and jealous I can't get with her

the days I have seen her have been the main highlights for me for this entire year, every time between those days and even right now just feels like a build up to the next time I see her.

honestly, I can't stand that she is with another guy, whenever I see that ring on her finger I want to grab it and smash it to a million pieces. I also like to take a piece of paper and cut it up pretending it is her fiance, and I do imagine hurting him badly or even killing him, I know it is wrong but I can't help myself. I also hate this one guy I know she works with a lot. I actually know that guy too but I hate that he gets to spend so much time with her.


is this a problem I should tell someone about, or will I get over it soon? This girl is also rather touchy feely, always patting me on the back or shoulder or side. I wonder why. also, she was my tutor but I still see her around and we chat. She was the one that initiated the first conversation when she saw me, I never initiate conversations with anyone let alone girls
 
calypso

calypso

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Hiya astr, I think you do have a problem and it isn't healthy. There is help for you and you should seek it. This kind of obsession can lead to problems - but you are aware of it and you know that its a problem and that is a fantastic start, I mean that. Many men who feel like this aren't aware they have a problem.

She isn't with you honey and she isn't going to be. I know you would love that, but its not on the cards. You will have to face that I'm afraid. As for her being "touchy feely" I would argue that she is just being kind and not showing an interest in you in any way other than as a tutor to a student.

May I suggest that you go to a therapist soon. Your GP might be able to help you and don't be afraid of telling them, they will have heard this before. I can't diagnose on a forum, and no-one else can I'm afraid.

I would suggest that you need to talk about your relationships and how you formed them in the past. You say you couldn't go near a woman, you wouldn't have the courage. That doesn't make you odd, it just means you need to gain some help to understand where this all started. Many people on here have problems with relationships, so others might be able to help more than me.

Please don't act on anything you feel like doing. I know the feelings are intense, but they are just feelings and not reality.
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

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Calypso has given you some pretty good advice, and there's not much I can add to that really.
Sometimes heartbreaks do get better with time, but what you're describing sounds much more intense and so I think it's best that you have somebody professional to talk to.
Therapy or counselling would probably benefit you because it would give you space to explore what's going on for you and to find some ways of helping you out of the situation.

Speaking from personal experience, I know that when i've got a bit obsessed with a guy in the past (especially the first two guys i'd ever had any kind of 'thing' with) it's been because there has been a deep unhappiness inside of me.
I think I became obsessed because I believed that the person I had a crush on was my "true love" and that he could save or distract me from the unhappiness in my life.
Looking back now, I know how I wasn't actually in love at all. I was just pinning my hopes on being rescued.

I'm not saying that this is what you're doing, but I do think that therapy could help you understand why you're having these thoughts, and that can be a very helpful thing. x
 
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