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I can't seem to spend more than a day or two away from home without my depression starting.

A

Andeeeeeeee

New member
Joined
Jun 22, 2021
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Location
Leeds
I have chronic depression. I accept that and I manage it reasonably successfully. I am medicated and accept that I will be for life. I have improved a lot over the last five years and consider myself pretty stable these days. I sometimes dip into periods of depression and tell myself out will wear off after a few days and it does most of the time. So like I said it's pretty well managed. Weekends can be more of a challenge sometimes when I'm not working. The biggest problem I face that I can't seem to get management of being away from home. I'm quite happy going out shopping as long as it's not more than a few hours. But if I go away for more than a day or so I started to feel depressed. No apparent reason other than I'm not busy. But you can't be busy all the time. I have this theory that I am pretty much underlyingly depressed must of the time and when I stop being busy for too long then my brain needs something to do. I'm not too good at self motivation. I get tired of doing stuff and I mean feeling fatigued. Work is fine because I have structure. In do have a hobby. Playing the guitar. But it is a real struggle to keep it up a fair amount of the time. So, I go away on a break and after a couple of days I'm feeling pretty terrible. As soon as we're heading home it improves over a couple of days. One thing I do notice is that when I'm out and about my brain starts noticing thoughts and doing free association until it finds something it can torment me with. A lot of guilt and embarrassment or regret about things that have happened in the past spring up seemingly out of nowhere and the depression sets in. The cycle can continue for hours. It's exhausting as well as depressing. I just want to sleep to hide. I'll even mutter to myself with cringing embarrassment at the thoughts. I feel completely unmotivated to do things as a result of the fatigue and misery. I just long for going home. I also feel tremendously bad because it spoils it for my wife when I am so reticent about doing anything. I do force myself through the mental pain a lot of the time but she can feel it and I feel so guilty. She's had to put up with this for years. I'm 54 now having had the depression all my life and am terrified of retirement. I saw my grandfather sat in a chair for years and I can see the emotional pain he sat through just existing and doing nothing. Scares me to death. So I'm not expecting a cure but I would appreciate people who have similar experience and to know how they learned to manage. Thanks Andy
 
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