I can't pretend anymore!

voyager

voyager

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#1
I fear I'm going to lose my job, I've just phoned in sick again! The real reason is depression, can't take it! - Reason given to employer, sore throat and bad cough. I feel so alone!

There's no one for me! I have my husband, sister, son, mother, but I may as well be living on another planet! Soo terribly alone with these horrible feelings! Fu...... Sh....!
I hate it when I start moaning. Can't pretend at work today - Going back to my lovely bed to escape the world!! Death without the conviction!!

Why does hubbie not understand my depression/anxiety, he doesn't deserve me because I am crap, a waste of space! I can't be bothered - Get the violins out!! I don't want to be in this body! I want to swap it, I want the life of someone who is successful and happy!

I sound like Marvin from Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy! My house is an utter tip, need a magic fairy ( Lu?) I'm not here any more, I don't think I've ever been here!
I'm just somebody to please everybody else, but not myself, I'm shit anyway. I'll stop spewing out this crap now, sorry!!:cry2::(:low:x
 
krista

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#2
I'm so sorry :( I used to phone in sick a lot, but these days I'm scared to do it.
Work can be such a big challenge. It's understandable that you feel this way.
Hugs! Xxxx

But people who haven't been depressed don't understand. I've found that no one 'normal' understands. Even the doctors!
Xxxx
 
S

Skeeter

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#3
you're not spewing out crap voyager and you're making perfect sense to me too.
i started giving excuses to my work first, if i really couldnt cope going, but in the end i decided to be honest and i told my boss a bit of what was going on. he was very understanding and dealt with it really well. would you consider doing that?
i dont know much of what is going on for you but i would talk to people / talk to whoever is involved in your MH because it sounds like things are really bad for you now.
 
voyager

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#4
My husband thinks If I put my mind to it, I could get a really well paid job etc. I just want him on my side! I feel like I still need to pretend to him and we've been married nearly 24 years! I don't know if I should have married him, but it's too late now, I couldn't be bothered finding someone else. Sometimes I think is it him that causes the depression? or is it the depression that makes the relationship seem bad? The grass isn't always greener on the other side!

I feel I don't want to work as everything is getting on top of me, I don't know what to do! I want to go back to bed and not wake up! It's no wonder that I switch off (coping mechanism) blah, blah,blah, bloody blah, blah, blah, I'm going.......... Beam me up!!!
 
BlueGlass

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#5
You are not alone- you have us!:hug:
Hope you are feeling better soon. :hug1:

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
 
voyager

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#8
You don't have to fake your feelings with us. :hug:
xxxxx
I could hurt myself, here are my real feelings, all the badness will come out, there is soo much utter disgusting! not worthy to be seen horrible, decaying crap, rotting within my soul.

I couldn't get everything out, because it's everywhere, my very being. People look at me and I am repulsive, I'm not fit here! The badness is even on the outside, I cant stop that from ouzing out of every pore! I am not worthy! Oh yes I can pretend, the shallow people, do not get it! They can f.... o........

There even on here you can see how crap I am!! Lalala xxx
 
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T

Topcat

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#9
My husband thinks If I put my mind to it, I could get a really well paid job etc. I just want him on my side! I feel like I still need to pretend to him and we've been married nearly 24 years! I don't know if I should have married him, but it's too late now, I couldn't be bothered finding someone else. Sometimes I think is it him that causes the depression? or is it the depression that makes the relationship seem bad? The grass isn't always greener on the other side!

I feel I don't want to work as everything is getting on top of me, I don't know what to do! I want to go back to bed and not wake up! It's no wonder that I switch off (coping mechanism) blah, blah,blah, bloody blah, blah, blah, I'm going.......... Beam me up!!!
I understand everything you've written here xxxxx
And understand how you're feeling.
The way you've written is how I feel, I know it won't make you feel better, but I'm right there with you chick.
Try and forget about work, everyone's ill at the mo so it's not suspicious or anything (I HATE phoning in sick, have about 2hrs of guilt), so try and not feel bad, you're allowed to be off sick xxxx
Have a good snuggle in bed and treat yourself kindly.
Xx
 
BlueGlass

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#10
You don't deserve to have any of them bad thoughts as based on who you are on here, you are an amazing person.

xxx:hug:xxx
 
M

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#11
Voyager I have been off sick for the past two nights because of my depression and anxiety ganging up on me. Lucky for me when I rung in I had a manager who didn't actually ask me why.

Your husband kinda sounds like my parents, when I was at home the time before I was off for 2 and a half weeks, I went off and was told if I didn't go to work they would pack my bags....

What someone keeps on telling me is right. Because we don't physicially look or feel unwell people don't really get how some people can't function. If they could take our minds for a day it would be a real eye opener.

Please don't harm yourself hun, we are here for you.

:hug5:

Sarah xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
 
Fairy Lucretia

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#12
hey lovely x you don't have to pretend here ,you can tell us exactly how you are feeling x do you think taking some time off work would help? it sounds really stressful ,the job you do ,I remember you saying a lady you looked after was dying? im know I couldn't cope with that with my state of mind
xx
you are loved and respected here
message me if you EVER need to talk
fairy hugs times a thousand and I send you special dust to cheer you up! xxxxxxxxxxxxx
 
keepsafe

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#13
Voyager, you are worthy and a lovely person at that (((((hugs)))))). Don;t run yourself down so much, sorry the depression is getting the better of you at the minute. Have a rest and look after number one for a change

Ks
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
 
voyager

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#14
hey lovely x you don't have to pretend here ,you can tell us exactly how you are feeling x do you think taking some time off work would help? it sounds really stressful ,the job you do ,I remember you saying a lady you looked after was dying? im know I couldn't cope with that with my state of mind
xx
you are loved and respected here
message me if you EVER need to talk
fairy hugs times a thousand and I send you special dust to cheer you up! xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Thanks for your kind comments everybody xx
Thanks Lu, I'd better not, too much negativity!
Not very talkative at the moment at the moment, no- one can help anyway, sorry for the negativity!

Need some milk, taking me all my time to go out and get milk!

Watch this space it may get exciting!
 
voyager

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#15
Ekins,dmhwgeuikmdmsksl,mncnfnvirufchfnijfnfnjiinfonjsddcojnnifcdnij!
That's what I may as well be saying to the world right now! Doesn't make any sense. My head is spinning, I feel dizzy, confused, I'm scared!
 
voyager

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#17
V did you know ,you just spoke in fairy?!!
why you so confused and scared? xx
Well, we are similar in some ways! I'm just scared that I'm going to lose this job as others in the past due to my MH. Ive been doing ok the past year or so, been able to tame the beast, but now it's all consuming! My hubbie will be annoyed/angry if I don't succeed with this job. He puts pressure on me, knowing that he doesn't understand my MH. I don't know why I'm saying all this, everyone will hate me for being so negative and being a failure, even you Lu and other people on here will get sick of me if I'm like this!

That's why I try and joke, but can't today, yesterday and today I've been in bed all day.
 
Fairy Lucretia

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#18
I fairy promise I wont get sick of you x don't put yourself down-saying we are alike! don't say mean thing about yourself like that!!

I understand you cover up emotional pain by putting on a happy face ,that's fine sometimes but when things are really bad ,you need to talk about that and fairy f the happy face away xx

it must be hard your husband not getting it
am here for you ,promise I wont get sick of you xx you aren't a failure xx you are fab
 
voyager

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#19
Hello Lu, thank you for your kind words, I don't know how you help people so much, you're such an inspiration:hug:xx
 

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