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I can't I can't. help

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Polar Bear

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Beside myself. Crying so much. So much pain. My head is a mess. I can't cope. My daughter is with her dad now so I can breakdown in private. I don't want to die but I feel so hopeless and helpless. Life is a mountain I have no energy to climb. I hurt so deeply. Pain runs deep. I'm scared and I don't think I will ever repair. I'm not living fully. I hibernate from the pain of the world. The stress. Life. I hide.
 
ScaredCat

ScaredCat

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So sorry you are feeling so hopeless. Wish i could help. All i can do is send hugs:hug1:
 
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Polar Bear

Guest
Very kind of you to reply. I just was confronted with someone who mentally abused me in the past and I'm in turmoil. I was put through hell for years. Sheer hell. I've taken a benzo but still can't stop crying. I can't eat. I can't sleep for the memories. I wake and they are there.
 
ScaredCat

ScaredCat

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Joined
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Messages
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Location
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So sorry. Is all you need someone who hurt you in the past. No wonder you are in turmoil. Is so not fair. Hope the benzo helps and you are able to be calmer soon. As you say though it is always there. Have seen you around the site but dont know much. Do you have any help eg therapy to help with your past. You dont have to reply if you dont want to
 
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Polar Bear

Guest
So sorry. Is all you need someone who hurt you in the past. No wonder you are in turmoil. Is so not fair. Hope the benzo helps and you are able to be calmer soon. As you say though it is always there. Have seen you around the site but dont know much. Do you have any help eg therapy to help with your past. You dont have to reply if you dont want to
The benzo is starting to take effect. I don't have many left and don't suppose my gp will give me more. No I'm not in therapy but probably need to be. Can't afford it right now but hope to in the future. I call my auntie when I'm in a state. She has been depressed so has some understanding. I'm convinced my bipolar disorder was triggered by stress. By mental abuse. Intense stress. I just wish I knew how to fix myself.
 
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Polar Bear

Guest
Nikita said:
Hey Polar Bear, I am sorry you have been through such hurt.I was mentally abused by my family for 34 years.I have just cut them out of my life.I healed as I went along but feel free of the pain now that they are gone.You can get over whatever pain the abuse has caused,you won't always feel so bad.It is important to learn that there are good people out there who will come through for you one day,the world isn't completely populated with abusers,I want you to know that.It sounds like it is so hard for you to carry on every day but that you do so for your daughter.That is so very brave and such a wonderful thing to do.I hibernated too,be kind and gentle to yourself ,if you were just face to face with the abuser it will have made all the painful trauma come flooding back!You may be suffering from trauma memories, maybe go see your GP or psychiatrist and see if they can help maybe provide talking therapy?I know it feels like a mountain to climb but honestly it can get better and life will be pleasurable and you can be happy again.I had a life of neglect from a child on and a lot of loneliness and mental abuse and control from my family and got my heart broken by a bloke as well as severe bullying by my peers at university,so it was appalling and I got MI and the stigma from that,I was almost homeless and was managing on next to no money for years.It may feel like you are a rock bottom but I am living proof there is a way to heal and life can be worth living again.I wish you healing and hope you feel better again soon.Nikitaxxx
Thanks Nikita for showing me there might be a light at the end of the tunnel. Seeing him did bring it all back. I just froze and then afterwards the anxiety came. Then the tears. Now I'm benzo numb and drinking too. Starting to relax. I'm ice cold.
 
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Polar Bear

Guest
Nikita said:
Hey Polar Bear, I am sorry you have been through such hurt.I was mentally abused by my family for 34 years.I have just cut them out of my life.I healed as I went along but feel free of the pain now that they are gone.You can get over whatever pain the abuse has caused,you won't always feel so bad.It is important to learn that there are good people out there who will come through for you one day,the world isn't completely populated with abusers,I want you to know that.It sounds like it is so hard for you to carry on every day but that you do so for your daughter.That is so very brave and such a wonderful thing to do.I hibernated too,be kind and gentle to yourself ,if you were just face to face with the abuser it will have made all the painful trauma come flooding back!You may be suffering from trauma memories, maybe go see your GP or psychiatrist and see if they can help maybe provide talking therapy?I know it feels like a mountain to climb but honestly it can get better and life will be pleasurable and you can be happy again.I had a life of neglect from a child on and a lot of loneliness and mental abuse and control from my family and got my heart broken by a bloke as well as severe bullying by my peers at university,so it was appalling and I got MI and the stigma from that,I was almost homeless and was managing on next to no money for years.It may feel like you are a rock bottom but I am living proof there is a way to heal and life can be worth living again.I wish you healing and hope you feel better again soon.Nikitaxxx
Thanks Nikita for showing me there might be a light at the end of the tunnel. Seeing him did bring it all back. I just froze and then afterwards the anxiety came. Then the tears. Now I'm benzo numb and drinking too. Starting to relax. I'm ice cold.
 
R

Rose19602

Guest
Steady with the drinking and benzo combo!
Hope you can get through it today and that you get some relief from the anxiety.
x
 
ScaredCat

ScaredCat

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 21, 2012
Messages
8,445
Location
Another planet
The benzo is starting to take effect. I don't have many left and don't suppose my gp will give me more. No I'm not in therapy but probably need to be. Can't afford it right now but hope to in the future. I call my auntie when I'm in a state. She has been depressed so has some understanding. I'm convinced my bipolar disorder was triggered by stress. By mental abuse. Intense stress. I just wish I knew how to fix myself.
Like Nikita says counselling can be useful and you may be able to get some via your GP or psych.Having someone professional to talk to and help you can be useful. Glad your Auntie has some understanding too. Hope posting on here helps a bit too. It helps me to feel less alone with how i feel
 
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Polar Bear

Guest
I'm not sure I could open up to a stranger but I see that it might be good for me. I've been through such a lot of pain with the bipolar too. It's all so mind blowing. After seeing him today I just fell apart. Years of pain there. It brought it all back. I will avoid him in future. I didn't realise he'd be there.

I'm benzo numb. Just had hot milk and trying to soothe myself by any means this evening.

I don't sleep well either. Too many thoughts whirring. I realise I need to process everything but I'm exhausted from my mental activity. Sometimes I miss the seroquel. I still have a box. Just being totally numbed out I don't like unless really suffering. Can't take it when I have my daughter here of ciurse.
 
dubblemonkey

dubblemonkey

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 21, 2014
Messages
1,000
Location
australia
all life is?...about?

survival...

often 'we' meet people who believe otherwise!

and it's up to us to disagree with them and to finish out our lives with something wonderful and perfect...

all the best..!.. dubblemonkey
 
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Polar Bear

Guest
Last night was the worst night in ages. Memories of past depression and all the drama that went with it careening through my mind. On repeat. I took 3 sleepers. No idea at what time. My recovery has gone back to three years ago. Feel shaky inside. Have been creating new endings to those memories all night. Screaming. Being pinned down and injected in the bumb. Being taken in the ambulance by a policeman. Screaming. I feel sick.
 
dubblemonkey

dubblemonkey

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Joined
Oct 21, 2014
Messages
1,000
Location
australia
Polar Bear...

I am no mentally ill Guru!

...what I am is?... another damaged human ...prepared to suffer alongside 'yourself'

I expect that the 'last night' has the potential to be every night....and likely "is!"...

recovery has sometimes alternative comprehension!...

consider this!...my dearest!

consider that your bad memories are sincerely not your fault...

consider that you are incredibly brilliant and also very lovable...

and consider that your heart is perfectly in the right place...

dm xo
 
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Polar Bear

Guest
Had two kalms. Crap. Got to get dressed and get out. It helps me. Shaky and nauseous. Exhausted.

My daughter will stay with her dad until New Years Day. Thank goodness. Can't be a mum at the moment.
 
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