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I cant figure it out help!!

C

Charlene89

Member
Joined
Oct 28, 2018
Messages
13
Hi all. I wrote a post weeks ago about my mum..she is why i have joined up to this forum. She was a mum who fed,clothed, and kept us safe but did not expose us to much in life, she was never a warm person if you needed a heart to heart. She never did hug us, tell us we were loved etc. I have no memories of affection from her.

Im 30 next week. I have 2 children. They are the reason i notice these things now. I was was 25 and expecting my first child when suddenly i saw my mum in a different light. Suddenly i noticed she did not act how other mums acted. She was not excited about my baby. Pleased but not excited. She did not want to come for scans, shop, see the nursery, know the gender, offer support, tell me i was doing well etc. She told me i did not need things i wanted, she screwed her nose up at names, she whinged about me finding out the sex. She told me how my sister got on with being pregnant to hint i wasn't so much. She mocked the way i rang her and told her id had her. It just went on and on.

Fast forward 4 years and nothings changed. She sits at home all day, some of it is due to a hip problem, she is 66 and forever on facebook. If my friends talk to me on fb she joins in with laughing faces and comments on stuff like she knows these people (she doesn't) its at the point where i cant comment or have a laugh on anything as she writes stuff on everything. I dont like her lurking about. I have friends on there who live further away and its how we catch up.

Lately i have noticed she is putting me down alot. My lovely big sister had my neohew at 18, she has never worked (12 years ago she had him) she has a partner but has chose to not mix. I guess she has abit of my mum in her as she does not do affection etc and other than me and mum she doesn't mix with other women etc. Im not putting my sister down to make me look better but its factual... my sister has had money issues often. My parents have paid for court cases againts her ex. They used to buy nappies, clothes, milk, bottles etc for her son. They always give her money for her 2 childrens school shoes etc. They offered to pay for a chunk of my nephews secondary school stuff. I have had nothing over the years. I dont need it... thats not what i am saying, im saying that my sister has relied on them financially alot.... i worked for 9 years, we have a mortgage and are lucky we can afford to keep our kids in what they need. Does my mum acknowledge this? Nope... she recently told me out of everyone in the family, i was the last person they would of expected to do homecare. She did not think i would last a day... i asked why? She said because you never would go pay for things when you was at school if we went shopping. You used to put it back if i would not go to the till for you.... we could not imagine you doing personal things for people....

It was like she failed to remember for 8 years before this i had worked in retail and pharmacy... i had very much helped people from being 16. I even opened up the pharmacy one saturday per month and was responsible for cashing up, keys etc. I was very comfortable with people!! I spoke to people on drugs daily and managed outburst, i served people from all walks of life. I helped people with poorly children, i helped the elderly. I advised people. I ordered stock in, i worked alongside a team of people. I never struggled at all with people. So why did she think that i was the most unlikely to cope with homecare??? I would always put myself higher up than my mum and sister with regards to working, dealing with people and having the skills to look after people. I looked after 8 people daily for a year. I was told by 5 of these people they loved me and liked me best. They did not like it when it was my days off. They even bought me gifts and not the other lady. It really upsets me that my mum did not think i was cut out for it. That i lacked in that area. Also how the hell does she think my sister is higher up than me in regards to being able to care for people. My mum would never have the warmth to do it for a start.

Ive had a few struggles with my 4 year old since her brother joined us 14 months ago. I said to my mum my friends son (only child) is much calmer etc. I think its because my daughter has to share me shes louder and bossier. My mum said shes probably a calmer parent than you.... this also struck a nerve. She has never met my friend but the reason we are friends is because we are similar. We hold eachother up through motherhood. We met when our babies were 9 months old and realised we were both first time, stay at home mum. My friend had depression and had a mum who was an alcoholic. Her mum has recently died. My friend cries alot and has lots of wobbles. Like me she is sensitive and kind to people. Shes able to talk about matters of the heart. She is the only person apart from my partner who will build me up, compliment me, cheer me on etc...for my mum to just decide shes bound to be more relaxed and calmer than me just hurts... am i not a good mother. Am i not managing 2 children under school age well. Does my mum not realise i dont get any childcare, i dont have a babysitter, nobody helps me on my hardest days. I dont get 1 on 1 time with my eldest. Im always trying to catch up with housework, washing, etc. I try and take my daughter out more so she experiences what i never did. I dance around the living room with my kids, i take them to run about in the fields, i try give them treats. Im not too shy or too nervous or too unhappy to manage. Yes i have wobbles but mostly i cope fine.

The final thing is she has said a couple of times lately... that i dont like people, im not as sociable as her and i will have to get used to mixing when my daughter goes to school in september.... again i dont understand how shes more sociable, i dont like people and i need to lesrn to mix??? I go out weekly to see other adults. Does she? No! I have mixed plenty in the past. Jobs, meetings, friends, going out as a teenager, baby groups.

Why is she telling me im the last person, i dont like people, im unsociable???

If anything having small kids and not working has cut me off a little from life. I dont see how my mum or sister is ahead of me on any of it... the only thing i hate and try avoid is family parties. My dads side is huge. We dont see them until someone gets married. Mum wants me to go along and act the part when she needs to have her kids around her to fit in with dads sisters etc. They are affectionate parents etc. It just makes me cringe and feel like a five year old so i avoid them like the plague.
 
M

missme

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 28, 2019
Messages
287
Location
NZ
I would recommend Julia kristina on YouTube she is awesome
 
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