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I can't enjoy life anymore

K

kyoko

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Nov 29, 2020
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Hello, I'm a 19 yo female, I've been struggling since i was like 13, i don't enjoy life, i don't have any hobbies, and i think of suicide almost everyday. (sorry if my English is bad , it's my third language)
I feel like i don't deserve anything nice or expensive, i don't even receive anything nice to begin with but i save some money up , but in the end i can't really buy anything. I still live with my parents and i can't really leave because they won't let me.
I'm sorry i feel like mentioning multiple subjects, i just want to let it out, since i have no one to talk to, and even if i do they won't believe me just because i'm the "funny friend" and they automatically assume that i'm always happy and that i'm faking it for attention.
Recently, i feel like i shouldn't go out and have fun (even with my female friends, no males involved) , because i feel like a wh*re, even if you just go to a restaurant to eat i feel like i shouldn't be outside as if i'm doing something bad, i feel the same way if i talk with my guy friends (normal conversations like about school or smth). I think i feel this way because my mom used to call me a wh*re when i was young.(just because she found out that i'm talking with a guy friend about my crush... nothing sexual) She used to talk behind my back and call me names in front of her family and friends and it pained me.
She used to beat me up too whenever i did something bad, (i understand that some ppl think that hitting children is a way to discipline them, but my mom used to beat me real hard and it just made me suffer from anxiety ), for example when i was like 7, i was sexually assaulted by my cousin(female) i didn't know what was happening, because i never knew what it meant...when my mom found out she grabbed the belt and proceeded to hit me ( my memories are not very clear), she used to comment on my appearance too, like how my lips are big (just like hers), and that i should close my lips shut so they can become smaller, or how she used to hide my jeans because i look fat in them, or even read my diary and gets mad at me then hit me again... this is just few of many things she did, she still control me and tells me even i turn 30 i should take her permission to do stuff, and keeps telling me how i was cuter back then because i did whatever she wanted.
I hope i'm not being ungrateful and a spoiled kid, because sometimes i feel like i'm just faking it because i'm ungrateful.
 
jajingna

jajingna

Well-known member
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Jul 31, 2020
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Welcome to the forum. Sorry to read your post. Your mother has been awful to you.
 
B

bpd2020

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May 25, 2020
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7,535
Location
England
Hello and welcome to the forum. In my opinion, your mum is abusing you. Her awful comments only put you down. You having male friends or a boyfriend is okay and you do not deserve to be called names because of that. It sounds to me like your mum wants to control you and prevent you from being your own person. I do not know if this is possible but maybe there are organisations in your country who could help you with housing. I think once you can move away from your mum you can begin to live your own life.
 
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