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I cant do this anymore

T

toomuch

New member
Joined
Apr 3, 2020
Messages
2
Location
manchester uk
Hi this is my first post here I generally don't bother using forums online anymore as I don't believe they are even legitimate and feel like im on some kind of scaled down internet that doesn't have as many users as the real internet and that its all set up and manufactured in a fake manner, but I seriously need help I cant handle life anymore it feel so pointless and the amount of torture and pain iv been through is seriously demoralizing.

I got diagnosed with schizophrenia about 7 years ago and I will be coming up to my 30th birthday in another 3 weeks and truthfully Iv completely lost patience with even thinking about improving I feel like I have no hope and even if I do recover, which is virtually impossible as I am so paranoid ill never believe the way im feeling is how I used to feel or how im meant to feel, like I cant even remember what it feels like to feel normal anymore, sometimes I feel bad and other times I feel absolutely beyond the bounds of insanity to the point of not even being able to define how incapable and worthless it makes me feel, and I honestly don't know why people want me to feel this way I cant justify the way I am being treated or understand it as I don't know how and even if I did know how to do this I wouldn't even think about making people feel so depersonalized, demotivated and depressed, when I could have the ability to bring any kind of positivity or happiness into other peoples lives, which I feel I am constantly having the opportunity to this taken away from me like my head actually hurts and I don't remember anything positive even though I recognize I have been a part of some of the absolutely most positive and hilarious scenarios I cant recall them and even if I could it would hurt even more to build up my hopes just to wake up the next morning back to feeling pain and misery even though most of the time I cant even perceive it as I have lost the ability to empathize with myself and other people and this can sometimes cause me to think inappropriate thoughts about delicate subjects that I should be understanding, relating to and expressing my perception of, but my perception is totally worthless and has been for a long time now and even if I could empathize and understand others it would be such a foreign concept to me nowadays that it would actually feel strange and as if im being fake in some way as the notion of constructing a positive view on something just feels like a thing of the past, however when I was younger and before I got admitted to hospital for paranoid schizophrenia and never been given medication for this I believed in myself and wouldn't have even questioned how valuable my opinions and advice were I just felt genuine all the time.

I have been sectioned 4 or 5 times and I am currently on a section 3 again, last time I was sectioned 2 years ago for 23 weeks, and on this occasion I have been sectioned on a section 3 again and currently I am 41 weeks into my hospitalisation (had my section 3 renewed 15 weeks ago after 26 weeks) and I honestly wasn't expecting to be segregated from society for so long I had a tribunal around 16 weeks into my original section 3 and lost my case, and the same thing happened when I got sectioned 2 years ago I appealed and lost my case. I could apply for another tribunal now as I have not applied for one since they renewed my section for another 6 months but honestly I don't see the point as they always seem to side with my psychiatrists views that I am suffering from paranoid schizophrenia and need treatment for my own and others safety, even though he was mostly making references to things that happened 4/5 years ago in terms of why I needed treatment in hospital. For example walking in the streets with no shoes on and putting myself at risk of injuring myself which is so frustrating as the shoes I had and many pairs iv bought since then didn't actually fit properly and were causing me more pain to walk in than not wearing them and I tried telling them one of these times I had plastic bags round my feet to protect them and so I wouldn't injure myself yet still the panel decided I needed to stay on the section 3. My mum doesn't want me to live at home with her anymore and I also feel like as a 29 year old I should be moving on to getting my own place to live. Im currently living in a step down rehabilitation unit and have been doing for the past 5-6 weeks. However im still really struggling, one of the issues that depresses me the most is that I got my medication changed to clozapine as a last resort medication and I have put on around 3 stone (42 lbs) in weight since taking this medication and cant get any decent amount of exercise. I went awol from the hospital around 8 weeks ago and was walking non stop for 2 days around the city centre as I had lost my patience with the hospital, stayed in a hotel for a night and then walked around the city centre for another 2 days and then walked for around 4 hours after having only slept once in 4 days towards the south of the city which is where I am most familiar with however the trainers I was wearing again didn't fit me properly and I lied down on a bus stop to rest my legs and the pain was unbearable I could hardly even stand up and was going to go back into the city centre so I got a taxi to the train station at around 4am and the first train wasn't for another 2 and a half hours. I lied down on a bench at the train station again and realize I had no chance of even handling another day and I was due to see my doctor the following day so I bit the bullet and got another taxi to the acute psychiatric ward I had disappeared from and handed myself back in and I couldn't even walk properly for about a week and had blisters and cuts all over my feet. However while I was awol I was feeling really positive and like my thoughts were making so much sense and I felt overwhelmed with joy and saw one of my friends who works in the city on the 4th day of being there and I just felt so happy and was able to communicate with him on a level I had not experienced for some years, and the clozapine wasnt in my system by this point and I wasn't feeling negative feelings or feel like I was having my intelligence insulted I just felt so happy Its beyond expressing. Due to these 4 days I realized the medication isn't actually helping at all its just giving me physical side effects like putting on weight but I have no choice but to keep taking it as I don't want anymore injections that have long term slow release effects. I have been on aripiprazole, olanzapine, quetiapine, risperidone, zuclopenthixol in the past and now clozapine and for the last 5-6 years the medication aswell as causing me weight gain which I was managing to control just about, even though I used to weigh 8 stone and that jumped up to 11 stone virtually overnight on one of my hospital admissions, I realize I was probably slightly underweight at 8 stone but it wasn't an issue at all, and I spent roughly the last 5 years at 11 stone and was managing to maintain this weight just about, and now after the last 4 months i look terrible physically im weighing about 14 stone and I don't know how im going to lose all this weight especially considering I have no choice but to take the medication (which as I've established doesn't work anyway) it just seems pointless working hard to get back to a weight I was happy with then im still taking the medication). Even more devastating than the weight gain is the fact that for the last 4-5 years I was having injections every 2 weeks even when I was at home I had a care co Ordinator who would come and visit me at home and give me the injection every 2 weeks and during those 5 years I have suffered terrible sexual health problems which I find disgusting considering this started when I was only 23 and had my whole life ahead of me, I had no sexual desire, had no reason to even try and make connections with other girls as I would be embarrassed to tell them about the problems I was having when obviously other people my age normally don't suffer from this, I struggled to have desire, couldn't maintain an erection, and when I reached orgasm the medication was causing me to not be able to ejaculate (sorry if this disturbs you and is a bit too much info but I really don't know who else to reach out to.. obviously the more personal I make it and speak to friends about it the more i feel they may judge me about this or treat me differently in some way and hopefully here it wont have that impact as I don't know any of you in real life). But to have all these issues going on at 23 makes me feel absolutely disgusted anyone can even justify forcing me to take medication that has this effect. I was quite frequently taking cocaine to counteract this, as well as wanting to experiment with the psychological aspects of it and use it as a way of connecting with other friends that were using it so I could share my experiences with them and try and understand why people use it In the first place. But it just became ridiculous after a while, like there were the factors iv mentioned causing me to want to experiment with it, but it wasn't long after doing this I started to suffer excruciating mental pain that I knew wasn't the genuine effects from the drug but was actually just an exterior force or person causing me to feel like I was having a mental breakdown and this continued for more than a year. I would often feel like I was a spirit in someone elses body as somehow people were switching the original drugs I had bought which had a distinct aroma to it with a fake version that had a negative effect and felt noticeably different. This is something I still struggle with today and more recently in the last 4-5 months iv been feeling this way even more even though iv virtually been taking no drugs at all. I have smoked cannabis since I was 15 and have smoked it more days than not smoking it for the last 14 years but obviously as iv been sectioned for the last 41 weeks iv had this option taken away from me. But I became suspicious about being switched between different bodies not long before I got sectioned on this occasion as I smoked some cannabis I had bought and it had literally zero effect, and without even leaving the room I smoked another hit from the exact same bag and actually felt the effects properly and it had been infront of me right before my eyes the whole time so I cant explain how this occurred without basically feeling like im already dead or not human and im being put into other peoples bodies which is quite scary as I have no control over this and during the last 41 weeks in hospital iv been smoking cigarettes and they constantly change what they taste like and feel like they have no nicotine in as they don't relax me at all in the last 41 weeks iv only managed to smoke around 3 cigarettes i would have deemed real.

I Live in a city called Manchester in the UK, and for around the last 5 years iv held a belief that there are 2 versions of this city relatively close to one another and one has laws that are enforced by the usual police, and the other is just a free for all and people get treated on their reputation and beliefs and actions by basically mobs or other people. I don't know that for sure though and I don't even have proof there are 2 manchesters but after walking insane distances too check this out I have firm belief this is true. It all happened because I thought the drinks in the shops had drugs in them, and I thought like wow there are children living in this city surely its not safe to be putting for example LSD in coca cola bottles. Which led me to believe I was in a different city that was an exact replica of the city I originally lived in. I also believe there may be other replicas in California and china, and when its warm and sunny the weather then I am in either California or China after my soul/spirit being transferred into a replica body of mine that has been created in these 3 locations, and thinking there could be twin cities even in the same country that leads me to believe there may be 6 of everything and honestly its really stressing me out not knowing where I am. But its no where near as stressful as the excrutiating pain im dealing with in my head day in day out.

I was convinced I was going to take an overdose around a week ago because 41 weeks in hospital/rehab with no one giving me any signs of it coming to a close is literally too much for me to take on board, I need closure, I need space, I need to be able to reflect on my thoughts and ideas even though I cant comprehend or understand the majority of my feelings anymore. The staff are constantly asking me if I want to do any activites and I honestly just don't feel like I can do anything!! Like just acting as if everything is normal and partaking in activities when im sick to the back teeth of the institutionalisation seems so false and doesn't portray the way im feeling at all yet they want me to partake so I look like im making improvements but I can hardly even face breathing nevermind actually partaking in activities.

I also have a pretty severe gambling problem which I think I have control of until payday comes around, I get frustrated and careless and feel like money has no value as I mostly spend it on cigarettes anyway which like I say taste fake and don't do anything for me and I spent over £120 on 2 pairs of shoes that I believe are fake and threw away after wearing them for a day I don't see what the point on having money is when people are constantly just going to sell inferior products or switch my bodies and leave me in someone elses body with a fake version of what I wanted. The majority of my money used to be spent on cannabis even though I believe the cannabis I was buying wasn't even legitimate or real as it didn't really do anything to me at all and I was in debt before I got sectioned on this occasion to people I was buying the cannabis/cocaine from but managed to clear those within 8 weeks of being sectioned. But still owed my mum around £2500 for money she lent me to pay off some of my debts and I actually still owe her this and even had to borrow another £100 from her this morning as in the last 9 days I lost £1000 gambling which was all my money I had for another 3-4 weeks so now im trying to get by on spending as little as possible and make the £100 last me a decent length of time. Its just how carelessly I get treated that frustrates me though like 7 years of injections and roughly 80 weeks spent in and out of mental hospitals I don't really care for life anymore I don't see the point in living such an unproductive lifestyle and Im absolutely distraught at how I look physically now compared to even just 6 months ago I hate the person I see in the mirror.

I have had several jobs in the past, the last one I had was only for around 2 months though, not the December just gone but the December before and I was managing to somehow deal with extremely distressing mental health issues and still doing the job but I could hardly even focus on the computer screen (I was doing customer service) and they had laminated pieces of paper on the desk where we had the team meeting in the morning that had words like: scared, confused, anxious, stressed.. This is how I feel. Wasn't long after seeing them every morning I thought they were all referring to me and thinking they were talking about me behind my back that I just left one day as I was so paranoid I was just being made a fool out of... I wasn't even working for the money as I was working 37.5 hours a week and only receiving an extra £100 a week than I was on benefits for being incapable of working, I just wanted to feel like I was doing something productive with my time, so I was quite disappointed and upset I had been made to feel this way.
In terms of being upset I feel so numb I cant even understand myself to the extent I need to, its so rare for me to cry now It's like iv completely lost the ability to reflect on whats happening to me and I feel so sad and depressed but it causes me anger rather than sadness and I have hurt myself a few times once I punched a mirror when I was locked in hospital and broke my hand, slammed a door and it bounced back and broke my foot while I was locked in again although id never take it out on anyone else as I don't condone violence and even in terms of the inappropriate feelings or 'voices' if you want to call them that, they make me really agitated and often suicidal but I believe other people are listening to my thoughts and I have no control over them hearing it and I don't know whether the feelings I cant understand are being forced upon me on purpose and I should feel spiteful and angry, or whether they are being transferred by someone else like me by accident and they have no control and I should try and understand or empathise with whoever causes me to feel that way. But its difficult to empathise as like I said earlier I feel like people think im being fake when I empathise or show compassion as its a relatively foreign concept for me nowadays as I mostly feel agitated and frustrated and I believe I could easily pretend to empathise If I wanted too and I don't like the thought of people watching me and seeing how I react to certain thoughts and experiences because I pray that one day I will find control and enlightenment and reason to live and I don't want to be predictable in a potential life beyond the traumatic life in currently living. I just find it all so debilitating and pointless and like the majority of people are so inconsiderate.

''I would like to undo all the pain, all the errors and learn how to simplify life for people that want to assist delicate minds and destroy confusion for people who have been misguided and misunderstood by haters. I need to know if things will ever change because if this is how lifes going to be from now on then suicide Is literally the most logical solution'' -------I wrote this in my notepad in my first 4 weeks of being sectioned on this occasion and im still alive 37 weeks later, I honestly dony know how I cope though.. like seriously a week ago I whole heartedly was seriously planning to take my own life. I just don't feel creative anymore though like I used to enjoy art & design and drawing but now im just so anxious I havnt got the patience or concentration to even consider creating anything worthwhile.

I feel like im conforming with madness and each day goes by I become weaker and more prone to conforming with it all but its got so deep now I don't even self harm anymore because I don't know whether it even is my wish to do that as iv been misled for so long, which scares me as sometimes I think to myself one day il find freedom and the first thing I do out of my own choice and actually wanting to do something is blow my brains out but it would have to be my own option to do so and not because im being forced into something so drastic. Hopefully Ill find myself and be able to somehow put it all into perspective and just move on but I honestly feel like these experiences are going to haunt me forever, I already feel dead inside and I feel like il never actually understand my true character and I wont be able to open up to people as I don't have positive aspects to offer its such a shame really, right now im not actually feeling as bad as I felt when I started writing this and im hoping I havnt bored you too death if you're still reading then thanks.. I honestly respect the time you've taken to read and I would completely like to thank you, normally when people ask how I am even if I do feel terrible I just put on a brave face and tell them im ok as I wouldn't even know where to start in terms of trying to explain myself and other times I just feel so depressed I just want people to leave me alone.

I honestly just believe my life has been wasted, but at the same time iv had patches where iv pushed myself to limits and found happiness and joy that is beyond my wildest dreams but that was years ago now and only lasted for about a week and the occasional day or 2 here and there although it physically exhausted me I felt so content and like I was on such a deep level of understanding that it gave me hope and belief that one day all the madness and sadness and misery would end and id be able to make my own choices without fear or anxiety and depression and feelings I cant even begin to understand and start to appreciate life again and have a purpose and be able to interact with people on a positive level without building myself up just to get it all withdrawn from my life again.

Here are positive aspects I managed to note down as to what I believe is required to live a successful life:
Effort, Determination, Morals, Perseverance, Willpower, Dedication, Energy, Enthusiasm, Sense of humour, Intelligence, Pride, Respect, High pain threshold, Regard, Torment Endurance, Compassion, Passion, Sense of direction, Strength, Desire, Assurance, Courtesy, Motivation, Endurance, Spirituality, Luck, Faith, Hope, Dreams, Emotions, Influence, Wisdom, Character, Patience, Understanding, Stamina, Originality, Clarity, Decisiveness, Awareness, Gratitude, Creativity, Capability, Strategy, Comprehension, Innovation, Reasoning, Ambition, Constructiveness, Knowledge, Experience, Impact, Resiliance, Bravery.

And although sometimes you probably just think sod all that I just need want to go to sleep and never wake up again I guess you have to think about making a few adjustments too follow your dreams, and even though the world can be a corrupt and malicious place with deceptions and lies and frustration, I can only hope there is a secret to living the perfect life and I just havn't found it yet. But its getting to the point where im going to give up soon if I don't see improvements, iv completely lost contact with the outside world I don't have friends anymore I have no real purpose but hopefully I can recover from that and have another shot at understanding my environment and everything in it. Without the mistakes and deceit. Just remember creating something from nothing Vs Destroy Ancient artefact (which would you prefer)?
But be careful if you do discover who you want to be as once your labelled as perfect, people will expect you to display yourself as being constantly positive, and although miracles can occur we cant always be perfect all the time and sometimes disappointment can occur, that's where the word came from you didn't invent it yourself its impossible.
Sometimes its ok to be a clown with no class.. AKA an idiot, but don't let your mistakes break you, even though it makes me sick the lengths people go to manipulate others. I literally cant believe Iv been locked up for 41 weeks, if things don't change soon then ill have to seriously consider if lifes worth all the grief cant even go out for a night out and see people perform or anything which is what most people in their 20s do at weekends stay out all night get wasted meet new people, even though with the thought broadcasting I feel like people make assumptions about me before they even get to know me and most of the time my minds so polluted with negativity that I feel like im intruding in others lives by learning about them with other people listening in to my thoughts being generated from conversations with new people and I don't want to impose on other peoples privacy and respect.

So yea... 'To No one, hope your well from everyone who deserves you'

I could go on but I seriously feel greedy, and if not greedy like I expect too much from people just please try and be happy.... and if your still reading all the best and many kind regards, hope your fairing better than me 41 weeks on section 3 this is the first time iv tried to explain and I do have a bit more to say but I don't wanna be totally VIP. Thx
 
vanish

vanish

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Wow @toomuch, you've certainly been through the wringer haven't you? I was last sectioned quite a while ago now, but was voluntarily hospitalised late last year. Being sectioned, I thought at the time, was a terrible thing to endure, no freedoms and basic violations of human rights. Thinking about it today, it was probably done to save not only my life, but those around me (I was having false beliefs that I had to harm office workers, particularly government workers). I spent five years in hospital more times than I was in the community. I joined this online community here on the forums after I was discharged from a lengthy hospital stay (that was in 2014).

I like the fact you've identified positive aspects about yourself, I think these are important to recognise and crucial in your recovery journey. I'm also glad you identified resilience amongst these positive aspects as I think most people who have experienced mental health issues have resilience in kind.

Are you able to ask for assistance in your rehabilitation unit for help with problem gambling, or do they largely leave you to your own devices with regards to money? I remember when I was sectioned, they only let me spend a small amount from my bank account per day. This was mostly spent on cigarettes and clothing.

I'm also sorry to read you have problems with your feet, do you think seeing a podiatrist would help? I have foot problems too with plantar fasciitis and find shoes terribly uncomfortable (I usually wear flip flops everywhere). Perhaps your care coordinator could organise an appointment with a podiatrist for you?

I used to take clozapine and while it really helped me, it caused a near fatal infection in my heart so I cannot take it anymore unfortunately. I take Rexulti, Chlorpromazine and Invega Sustenna injection. I don't mind fronting up for my injection, however recent side effects mean I will likely have to come off it and onto another injection.

Feel free to keep on posting mate. In the meantime, take care and keep working on your recovery. :)
 

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