• Hi. It’s great to see you. Welcome!

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life. Amongst our membership there is a wealth of expertise that has been developed through having to deal with mental health issues.

    We are an actively moderated forum with a team of experienced moderators. We also have a specialist safety team that works extra hard to keep the forum safe for visitors and members.

    Register now to access many more features and forums!

I can't do this anymore.

LonelyTengu

LonelyTengu

Member
Joined
Oct 31, 2019
Messages
5
Location
United States
After five months of pointless hope, wasted time, emotions, and effort she let me know that we haven't been working towards anything. At what point am I supposed to take the hint and throw away everything I believe in?! All the damn honor, the discipline, the integrity, all my martial arts values and "codes" I so strongly cling to so I can feel like I matter. Like I fucking make a difference. Like I'm not the same thing as the rest of this rotten filthy fucking world.

I can't keep taking these failed attempts at some form of happiness. I can't keep being punished every single fucking time I veer off the path that some sort of deity seems to have decided is where I'm supposed to go and the death I'm supposed to have.

Well, if at the end of this road I'm just supposed to die alone, I do so wish it would just get over with.

I'm tired. I'm so damn tired. I can't commit suicide. I made a promise after my second attempt to a woman I'm not even sure is still alive. Maybe that's what this is all about. A promise I made to a woman in adult inpatient crying for me when I couldn't spare a tear for myself. Crying at the simple fact that I was there. I'm so sorry, B. I've failed you. I can't live the life I promised you I would try. I can't speed my death up any faster. So at least I won't die dishonored. Not like it was anything that brought me anything other than heartache and pain.

So fuck honor.
 
Fairy Lucretia

Fairy Lucretia

Well-known member
Forum Guide
Joined
Apr 9, 2011
Messages
33,751
Location
Magical fairy wonderland xxxx
hey I just wanted to send love and welcome you to the forum xxx im sorry you feel so bad I hope you find the forum useful
love fairy Lu xxx
 
S

sunnyafternoon

New member
Joined
Nov 8, 2019
Messages
2
Location
London
After five months of pointless hope, wasted time, emotions, and effort she let me know that we haven't been working towards anything. At what point am I supposed to take the hint and throw away everything I believe in?! All the damn honor, the discipline, the integrity, all my martial arts values and "codes" I so strongly cling to so I can feel like I matter. Like I fucking make a difference. Like I'm not the same thing as the rest of this rotten filthy fucking world.

I can't keep taking these failed attempts at some form of happiness. I can't keep being punished every single fucking time I veer off the path that some sort of deity seems to have decided is where I'm supposed to go and the death I'm supposed to have.

Well, if at the end of this road I'm just supposed to die alone, I do so wish it would just get over with.

I'm tired. I'm so damn tired. I can't commit suicide. I made a promise after my second attempt to a woman I'm not even sure is still alive. Maybe that's what this is all about. A promise I made to a woman in adult inpatient crying for me when I couldn't spare a tear for myself. Crying at the simple fact that I was there. I'm so sorry, B. I've failed you. I can't live the life I promised you I would try. I can't speed my death up any faster. So at least I won't die dishonored. Not like it was anything that brought me anything other than heartache and pain.

So fuck honor.
You can do this, have a haircut, but a new jumper and have a biscuit & cup of tea. Smile at yourself in the mirror and get comfy. Promise it’s the little things. Also the fact you do martial arts is so cool.
 
C

carocaro

Member
Joined
Nov 14, 2019
Messages
10
Location
New Orleans
Hang in there, man. Someone tries to stop you from doing martial arts? Tell them to fuck off. Someone tries to make you feel bad or guilty when you start to struggle? Tell them to fuck off. No one can tell you how to live your life. Anyone who tries to get in your way is so far beneath you because they don't understand how fucking difficult life can be and they choose not to be compassionate.
Just know that I'm thinking about you, supporting you, and sending love your way.
 
J

Johnray

New member
Joined
Nov 11, 2019
Messages
4
Location
75407
Hang in there, man. Someone tries to stop you from doing martial arts? Tell them to fuck off. Someone tries to make you feel bad or guilty when you start to struggle? Tell them to fuck off. No one can tell you how to live your life. Anyone who tries to get in your way is so far beneath you because they don't understand how fucking difficult life can be and they choose not to be compassionate.
Just know that I'm thinking about you, supporting you, and sending love your way.
All you guys are awesome! I felt embarrassed by posting but yall made my day! Thanks everyone yall have no idea how your kind words have helped
 
Top