I can't do this anymore

A

Applepie

Member
Joined
Oct 8, 2017
Messages
22
#1
I'm so desperately unhappy. For the past while I've been feeling worse than usual, I hate myself, I'm convinced I do nothing but embarrass myself or annoy people. I haven't left the house in days because my chest gets so tight I can't breathe at the thought of being around people (I know that that is more related to anxiety)
I want to end my life.. I don't want to feel like this anymore and it feels like whatever I do either makes things worse or is fruitless. I'm on a waiting list to see a professional but it's been months and I don't feel like I can keep going.
I feel like everyone just tries to get rid of me and the people that do take a liking to me are usually people with so much of their own issues and I become a martyr for them. I know it's not healthy to absorb so much negativity all the time but I can't see someone in distress and do nothing but it's been somewhat detrimental on me.

I've been through a lot, I've been abused in every form of the word, neglected, lost my only support to suicide, bullied relentlessly my entire school life (which was years ago) and now I'm in a stable relationship, doing good at college, have a job so I don't really have a reason to complain right now other than feeling unbelievably depressed all of the time. I still care for the parents who abused me because they are both disabled now and I don't have the heart not to help which I know is stupid...I can't afford to move out either.

I'm rambling and I'm not even sure what to say or what to do other I don't want to be alive
 
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Z

ziedite

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 11, 2013
Messages
288
Location
UK
#2
Oh you poor thing.. firstly can you get someone to advance the meeting with the professional/therapist by saying it is urgent and an emergency? Many of us here are depressed and unhappy (me included) so we really do get it. Do you have anyone who can support you and just listen to you for a while? Sometimes it helps to have a face to face conversation with a caring individual. What would you like from us here in the forum?
 
A

Applepie

Member
Joined
Oct 8, 2017
Messages
22
#3
Firstly, thank you for replying. I don't really have anyone I can talk to who will understand that while I might be overreacting telling me I need to just stay positive and not overreact isn't helpful :/ I didn't know I could advance it! I sometimes worry that it'd be wasted on me though and someone who is worse off should be able to see them first. I'm not really sure what I was looking for, just someone who understands and doesn't think I'm crazy or being dramatic. I just feel very alone in how I feel at times and it's crippling because whenever I have reached out to people around me I've been told that I'm exhausting to talk to.
 
Z

ziedite

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Joined
Nov 11, 2013
Messages
288
Location
UK
#4
Oh.. don't fret about us thinking that anything is wasted on us here. We get it, really, we do... Some of us get it so much more than you do. And you will NOT be wasting a professional's time at all. Yes, there are always people who are worse off... with every condition, mental as well as physical. BUT that does not preclude you from getting the help you need and more importantly the help you deserve. You're not crazy or overly dramatic. You write eloquently and concisely so that proves it. The people who say you're exhausting to talk to have much more an issue with their own stuff, not yours. A friend or even a compassionate acquaintance will be there to listen... as will we.
 
A

Applepie

Member
Joined
Oct 8, 2017
Messages
22
#5
I know that my problems mostly revolve around my self perception and I try very hard to cope with most of what I feel and I usually do very very well with functioning daily, i'm actually very high functioning for how I feel so I do feel proud of myself for that but I think lot's of very minor things have piled and piled and I'm buckling under the stress of it all. I'm really bad for avoidance when I feel this way and I've missed college and work because of it and now I'm feeling extremely anxious about the repercussions of my actions (I don't want to get fired or get kicked out of college) I'm just pretty exhausted from feeling the way I do and I feel like I need to get away from everything for a little while but realistically the world isn't going to stop turning just because of how I feel.

I'm sorry to hear you struggle too, it is really hard and your kind words actually have me sitting here emotional because someone cared enough to reach back to me, thank you so much for that
 
P

PeopleRtheWalkingDead2me

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Joined
Aug 22, 2018
Messages
68
Location
Texas
#6
Check out "Cluster B Personality" and "toxic shame" they were my first few baby steps. Hope this isn't your situation.
 
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PeopleRtheWalkingDead2me

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 22, 2018
Messages
68
Location
Texas
#9
I guess their are thousands of us! OMG
 

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