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I can't cope anymore

W

Whyalwaysme

New member
Joined
Apr 23, 2015
Messages
1
For as long as my memories serve me I have suffered from mental health, bullying, anxiety issues and more recently paranoia and voices in my head.

I've always been able to cope with them for as long as possible, they become my friends in a way. Helping me through the goods times and the bad. But when my depression and the other effects start to kick in it all goes twisted. Suicidal thoughts, mood swings, bouts of anger and frustration.

All I have ever wanted was to be normal, not to be scourged because of my ginger hair. The kids were ruthless at school, I had to turn it flip side and joke about my own hair.. I'm told comedians have this type of behavior. My sense of humour is sick, I will go to any length if I'm hurt to try and make myself laugh. It's my cushion, what I land back on. Now it's beginning to take its toll on me.

Recently my third daughter was born after a horrible pregnancy with my wife. She now suffers from postnatal depression, lacking motivation to get up in the morning etc, repelling the kids away but not meaning to. I've tried to support her all the way through, I find it very difficult, I struggle to try and keep my motivation up for my wife. She's my life and all I can ever think is that it is my childhood and upbringing.. MY mental health that has made her so ill that at times I just want to run away.

I've gone to the doctors, I've told them I can't cope, I've said I can't keep appointments that I need home visits. I've said I'm scared of going out unless I'm feeling on a high or want to spend money. But then when it comes to an appointment they want me to leave the house for I can't go. Any excuse is made, i feel sick, anything! :'( I'm scared of the diagnosis, I'm scared of everybody leaving me, running away because I'm not right in the head. My dad rang an ambulance yesterday. It took 2 hours to arrive, I had already made excuses for my dad to take me home. He cancelled it, we drove down the main road.. And the ambulance that was arranged for me 2 hours before passed us. How am I supposed to get better when I can't keep the motivation to do it myself? How am I supposed to get better when I don't trust anybody. Nobody saw me get bullied as a kid, nobody took notice because I always forced a smile.

So why when I needed my mum the most did she not realise that I wasn't right, why didn't she realise I was bullied daily?
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 17, 2012
Messages
13,531
Location
The West Country
Welcome to the forum.
I'm really sorry to hear about what you've been through.
Being bullied can have such a long-lasting, profound effect on a person. I really think it can scar a person for life. I was bullied in school and have huge problems with going out or having friends, so I can empathise.
It must be very difficult too when your wife is struggling. As much as we love someone, it's hard to find the strength to support them we when ourselves are in so much pain.

Just to clarify - have you spoken to a doctor at all about what you're going through?
Did they suggest counselling or medication or anything?
Also, i'm wondering if you'd be more comfortable having a telephone consultation with a professional?

I notice you said you're scared of the diagnosis. Does that mean you've been given one or are anticipating that it might be something you won't be able to deal with?

Finally, I can't speak for your mother or why she didn't notice you were bullied.
I do though think that exploring some of these feelings in counselling - perhaps when you're feeling well enough to go out - might really help.
 
myownveryone

myownveryone

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 20, 2011
Messages
334
Location
South West
Somerset has a very good point there - phone appointments are brilliant. I'm awful at keeping appointments, but so long as your phone is on and with you, you can't miss a phone call. I've had phone sessions in the past when I've been unable to leave the house. I'm having a few trust issues with mental health professionals at the moment myself, but I know something needs to be done, before it starts affecting my child. Supporting someone with any depression can be taxing for someone not suffering with mental health difficulties. Keeping yourself up is hard enough. I hope you know you have support here. I was also bullied. Not badly but enough to have self esteem issues and a fear of groups of preteens, but the things they said don't really matter any more because what do they know? They were dumb naiive kids who projected their insecurities and sandess and anger onto you. You don't need to carry their bad feelings any more. I hope things work out for you soon, and I would suggest you dind some help, even if it's just popping in to see your GP for a chat.
 
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