I can't 'control' myself

Luci

Luci

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I am making leaps and bounds with my mental health and am coping with my current situation incredibly well. My CPN, my 'anger management' therapist and my friends have all commented that I am communicating better seem happier and calmer and I have been socialising more.
However when I have to attend meetings I am 'triggered' and present the 'wrong' way (aggressive, unable to control my emotions) my CPN has asked me to try and make a list of my triggers. I am finding this difficult. What set me off was the social worker telling me staff noticed my ex had a bag of empty cans when they went to his home. She told me he was 'checked on' and not under the influence at that time but had drank when the children were elsewhere. That's what set me off. I think its because the children not being in my care is my worst nightmare, and I know what my exs lifestyle is like. He has also made further false allegations about me. I then spiralled off into all the horrible things he has done and said etc and cried LOTS.
Is my trigger the abuse I suffered (and continue to) my concern for my childrens wellbeing, the fact the truth hasn't been established yet (I can't bear lying, we are due a 'fact find' in court in September which should help me with this).... or all? Am I missing something?
In my 'normal life' I am managing my mood and responses a million times better. Maybe it's just the setting of the meeting? Maybe I should ask that I don't attend? That someone briefs me after?
My CPN is coming to see me on Wednesday :)
 
midnightphoenix

midnightphoenix

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I hope they let you have your kids back, Luci, your a good mum to them :hug:Sounds like its the meeting that is stressing you out :hug:

See what your CPN says on wednesday :hug:
 
Luci

Luci

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It's getting there, the last social worker decided I shouldn't have them before he even met me, you know with me being 'crazy' and 'aggressive'. The new one understands and can see the mistakes that have been made. But until I learn to 'control' myself I'm just playing up to his perception of me.... final hearing is in October. The truth is coming out now the first social worker 'left' or whatever their official excuse is.... but I cant get past the irritable 'been stuck in this stage for months' feeling when I have to attend these meetings, and then to get presented with more lies and immaturity every damn time....... I can't keep my cool. It feels impossible. It's not that what I am saying is 'wrong' or invalid, it's just the way I present myself.
 
Lunus

Lunus

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It's getting there, the last social worker decided I shouldn't have them before he even met me, you know with me being 'crazy' and 'aggressive'. The new one understands and can see the mistakes that have been made. But until I learn to 'control' myself I'm just playing up to his perception of me.... final hearing is in October. The truth is coming out now the first social worker 'left' or whatever their official excuse is.... but I cant get past the irritable 'been stuck in this stage for months' feeling when I have to attend these meetings, and then to get presented with more lies and immaturity every damn time....... I can't keep my cool. It feels impossible. It's not that what I am saying is 'wrong' or invalid, it's just the way I present myself.
It’s very important you try to forget the past and try to live in just the moment when you next meet them. Try to focus on one single object before your next meeting, this will ground you in the present. You’re nearly there, try your best to be calm. 🤗
 
G

Girl interupted

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I think your trigger is any time you don’t feel in control. And that’s perfectly normal. Everyone is like this. Add in stressful situation you are in and that trigger intensifies. If you can not control how your children are cared for, then it aggravates a feeling of helplessness. I know if I feel impotent it fuels rage. We all want to be able to make choices, and it’s particularly hard when those choices are restricted or limited.
 
Luci

Luci

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Thank you for your replies ♡
I am planning on spending the day tomorrow practising self care, yoga and reading, putting some thoughts on paper in preparation for seeing my CPN on Wednesday :)
 
Lunus

Lunus

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Thank you for your replies ♡
I am planning on spending the day tomorrow practising self care, yoga and reading, putting some thoughts on paper in preparation for seeing my CPN on Wednesday :)
Yoga should really help with becoming aware, and if you’re aware it’s easier to be mindful. If you’re mindful you can be ‘in the moment’, just the present. It should really help you. Maybe try something I find helpful as well. Take long deep breaths, and for every in breath say to yourself it’s a new beginning, and every out breath say it’s a new start. I wish you well. x
 

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