• Welcome! It’s great to see you. Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

I can't breath and I can't get out of bed

L

littlewolf

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 24, 2010
Messages
162
Last year on May 1st I just gave up bulima without anyone but my partner knowing I even had it - and from what I can gather now it was pretty severe bulimia that I had from the age of 15 to 30.

I had all the symptoms of a stomach ulcer (diagnosed) for several years previously, and I was being sick... always. I had been to the dentist and the damage to my teeth was 5000 pounds which my mum offered to pay, not knowing anything, but I had to tell the dentist and when I did I used past tense and I just knew it had to stop. Forever.

The good news is my hair is thicker, I lost weight or certainly did not put anything on despite my initial fear of every single meal in front of me. It is very hard having been bulimic all your life every day, that every big proper meal, once you have decided to do this, everything, every calorie you eat must stay down.

But gradually now I eat meals normally, I have chocolate and crisps when I feel like it, and I'm not fat!

Sorry this is to be too long - but the problem is, despite all of the above, I am NOT coping with life. Not at all. I still want to be in perfect shape and feel too old now and washed up (and someone called me that the other day that went down well with the mood!!) for living.

I feel more emotional and sensitive in the last few months than ever before in my life. I can hardly now get out of bed for fear I have to try and dress myself and I don't know what to wear to look nice. I just can't compete with the rest of the world or want to be compared with them if I won't look the best and I'm just too washed up for it. I know this is silly but I'm being honest.

My boyfriend has been so supportive in the sense he has stood by me - fits, temper rages, crying all the time and I keep pushing him away and I don't want that. I want to be happy and secure and sexy and I know if I could, he adores me so much.

But he is a musician and we are in new york city and he plays each day in the sun shine to pay his rent and clear his debts, and I am proud he can do that for 12 hours a day.

However I can't breath. It's beyond anything I have ever felt. All the girls go past and he says he is not interested - i go occasionally and they are so very young and thin and beautiful and of course wanting him to notice them and asking him to play for them...and I just want to be thin too, and my hair to grow long too (it won't cos of all the sickness) and I feel like I have given all of my youth to 15 years of bulimia and now it's over but it's all too late to live as a beautiful young girl with my life infront of me. Cos I'm not young anymore I spent that throwing up maybe 5-10 times a day mostly every day.

I am an actress and model but again left it too late career wise as bulimia came first and then I just lived off being pretty and thin and looking for the best clothes to wear (compulsively) and drinking (socially).

And now I am about to loose my boyfriend as he sees this all as crazy psychotic jealousy but it's really how I feel it. I am obsessed by this horrific feeling of who he is speaking to when I lie in bed and if she is thinner and younger than me. And she will be and that makes me want to just pack it all in.

I just can't compete with anyone, shouldn't want/need to, but I just feel old and over and too late for everything, I can't get out of bed while he is away and I feel like ending this feeling of feeling over with life, but I can't be bothered with that even, I can't be bothered with the gym, with being my age and trying to START life as if I'm the teenager but really it's a bit late...I just want to eat frosties with hot milk and be sick for the rest of my life, but I can't do that now....why did I leave it all too late to give it up? Or maybe I should start so I feel like I have control over all this, and prior to this my boyfriend thought I was quite cool chic! Not crazy and obsessive like no one should be.

Please someone tell me how to get rid of these insecurity problems that make me actually want to die regarding his day, I feel crazy and a burden and that's not sexy so it's catch 22, and I want him to have a nice life (with me!)

But at the moment I have nothing not even bulimia and I don't know how to act normally infront of my boyfriend and am pushing him away.

he's out busking now in the sunshine in new york city to girl half my age who have everything to start living for, and 'I'm on a mental health forum in bed crying wondering why bulimia took my youth away and since I can't get it back might as well just go away myself

and this is too long and boring and stupid probably for people on here

but PLEASE how can I get through my day and leave him in peace, I do trust him, it's inside of me I don't trust adn I can't get through the days I just want to be happy
 
D

DELATEXT

Guest
terrible the turmoil you're suffering I hope you can find a way to cope ??
I'm sure you've seen messages of support for you !!






:grouphug:
 
Thread starter Similar threads Forum Replies Date
R Depression Forum 24
sunset547544 Depression Forum 8
N Depression Forum 37
G Depression Forum 6
Lizaje Depression Forum 9
Top