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I Can't Believe Myself!!

S

SicklyBloom

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 20, 2020
Messages
189
Location
USA
Warning: this is another vent, but I'm just slowly emptying out every possible thought at the moment.

I seriously can't believe myself, I don't understand why I'm constantly switching back and forth. It's almost like I forget why I'm upset even though I should be remembering why because my sole purpose to have a clean slate. How can I, if my mood keeps deciding to change at inappropriate times. Logically, I do want balance and clarity, but my moods say otherwise and that's beyond frustrating. It's run-of-the-mill, random, and completely out-of-touch! It's like I'm serving two stubborn people but only one of them has the right idea. There's a soft, delicate side to me who wants to able to be herself despite being vulnerable. Then, you have my jaded, outrageous side filled with negative anecdotes that make me want to resign from this life. It. is. exhausting. PERIOD! There's nothing more annoying than having to continually remind yourself that you're thinking or acting outside of yourself again. There's no way of knowing why this happens, but I know it's imposter syndrome. I know that being confused about who you are coming with the territory of being a human being, but for me, it's at an abnormal rate! Usually, you get encouraged and end up at least finding a way to relieve your stress, I'm desperately searching and I feel like people are just sorry for me. Whatever it may be, it's worn me down into a shell of a person. I'm tired.
 
S

SicklyBloom

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 20, 2020
Messages
189
Location
USA
Is there any way I can deal with splitting right now?
 
E

Ema

Active member
Joined
Apr 24, 2020
Messages
25
Location
Croatia
Hi i know how you feel same here you get to a point where you are so motivated happy and you think thats it i found it i know how to calm myself down i am starting to think more postive more clearly and then you just wake up anxious one day you think about every problem and overthink into panic state and you hate yourself and cant seem to be happy like others and asking yourself what am I missing that others have and you have to discipline yourself to end that tought proces because it will only dragg you deeper into depressed state of mind and give you suicidal toughts...and for me i accepted that i have family i have preople who care about me but i think that they dont and it is all from not having confidence is not that nobody loves me but that i dont see why would anybody and cant accept love from nobody too and its devastating im still working on it and it seems like never ending cycle... much love
 
E

Ema

Active member
Joined
Apr 24, 2020
Messages
25
Location
Croatia
And that constant need to be so many persons in one like i have to be perfect for everybody in different way but reality is that i dont need to the ones who love me will still love me like i am ita just that i dont love myself and haven't found that real me and who i am and to be confindent to be like that every day... lovee people who are real and hate people pleasers but im one of them
 
MeJustMe

MeJustMe

Member
Joined
May 12, 2020
Messages
22
Location
Missoula, MT
Warning: this is another vent, but I'm just slowly emptying out every possible thought at the moment.

I seriously can't believe myself, I don't understand why I'm constantly switching back and forth. It's almost like I forget why I'm upset even though I should be remembering why because my sole purpose to have a clean slate. How can I, if my mood keeps deciding to change at inappropriate times. Logically, I do want balance and clarity, but my moods say otherwise and that's beyond frustrating. It's run-of-the-mill, random, and completely out-of-touch! It's like I'm serving two stubborn people but only one of them has the right idea. There's a soft, delicate side to me who wants to able to be herself despite being vulnerable. Then, you have my jaded, outrageous side filled with negative anecdotes that make me want to resign from this life. It. is. exhausting. PERIOD! There's nothing more annoying than having to continually remind yourself that you're thinking or acting outside of yourself again. There's no way of knowing why this happens, but I know it's imposter syndrome. I know that being confused about who you are coming with the territory of being a human being, but for me, it's at an abnormal rate! Usually, you get encouraged and end up at least finding a way to relieve your stress, I'm desperately searching and I feel like people are just sorry for me. Whatever it may be, it's worn me down into a shell of a person. I'm tired.
I absolutely RESENT the words "I'm sorry" so I'm only going to put them in quotes. But I think I can empathize with you on this one.

Yes, it is exhausting. To have your moods swing from one end of the spectrum to the other without any reason is... expatriating? Frustrating? Infuriating? Hell, I don't know. It's like "sit on the couch and you'll have a whole evening's entertainment." I know I don't think right, (clearly, coherently, rationally, whatever). But I can't help it sometimes. My head goes to bad places and I can't stop it. And yes, I 100% understand the exhaustion. If only it was exercise, right? I'd be in the best shape of my life.

I'm NOT "sorry". But I DO empathize. I think we might be in similar places. If it helps at all, I hope I've given you a kind voice.
 
S

SicklyBloom

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 20, 2020
Messages
189
Location
USA
"expatriating"? Okay, that was a word crime.
I can understand where you're coming from, but it sounds like sorry was aimed at you? I'm only speaking from my own perspective. Hopefully, you understand.
 
MeJustMe

MeJustMe

Member
Joined
May 12, 2020
Messages
22
Location
Missoula, MT
That's just my own thing. I just detest the words "I'm sorry" because they've been used so much on me when they don't mean a f***ing thing. Nothing against you at all. Promise!
 
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