I can't bear to live anymore

[emilycooper]

I have hated my own existence ever since i was a child. I despise myself, and everything about my life. I cannot think clearly for a second without thoughts of suicide, sadness and self-loathing entering my mind. I really, really really don't want to live. In 20 years I have achieved nothing. I am a worthless human. I really don't understand how anyone else gets by every day, enjoying life, maintains friendships and relationships and gets stuff done. I on the other hand, can barely get out of bed. I feel so isolated from the real world. Does anyone else feel like me? Has anyone ever truly managed to recover from depression and feel free again? Please offer any comments or personal stories xx

 

[BPDevil]

if you haven't already i think you should get assessed and seek a good therapist

you sound exactly like me, i have to force myself out of bed most days as it doesn't come naturally

same with that sort of mindset, you aren't worthless and you shouldn't give up, your mind tricks you into believing things that aren't true especially about yourself

recovery is about learning to manage it better which I'm sure with the right sort of support you can do, everyone gets low moods, but its about whether you let that low mood control everything else in your life or not

 

[ziedite]

Hi Emily...welcome to us...i.e. those of us that struggle with brain and mind challenges like yours. I agree with BP above... it would be helpful for you to get assessed and get a diagnosis of what you are feeling. Knowing and getting a name for all the feelings and emotions that are going on inside of you can help determine how to battle them. So see your GP, or a good therapist. And be honest with them, really.

Next... by 20 years old you're only supposed to have accomplished knowing how to read and write, to do basic maths, know some geography, ideally know how to drive, and what I consider important...how to be kind to other people. Anything else can wait and will come later. All the stuff you probably see on social media is 50% fake if not more, so discount everything you see, or even better, just don't look. Get off Instagram and Twitter completely. It benefits no one except those companies. Really.

And yes... some of us have recovered from depression, but it takes time and some effort. But I have realised that I could not do it alone. I.e. I needed meds and therapy to get me through it. Some people need just one of those... it really depends on the person. Its a bit like cancer - some people get better with radiotherapy, but some need chemo as well. So have a good talk with someone who is the closest to an expert that you can find.

Try to hang in there...

 

[NorasDad]

I have hated my own existence ever since i was a child. I despise myself, and everything about my life. I cannot think clearly for a second without thoughts of suicide, sadness and self-loathing entering my mind. I really, really really don't want to live. In 20 years I have achieved nothing. I am a worthless human. I really don't understand how anyone else gets by every day, enjoying life, maintains friendships and relationships and gets stuff done. I on the other hand, can barely get out of bed. I feel so isolated from the real world. Does anyone else feel like me? Has anyone ever truly managed to recover from depression and feel free again? Please offer any comments or personal stories xx

As an anxious person, I have trouble understanding this type of depression.

As a father, I can't imagine anyone's hating the existence of any child. Could you help me understand, from that viewpoint, how a child could hate the existence of a child?

I'm not doubting you or asking you to prove anything. I'm just trying to understand the feeling.

I REALLY hope you feel better.

 

[albie]

I feel the same way. I hate my life and myself. I cannot see why I wouldn't. I've been on meds for five years now and they helped a bit, not much. Now they are failing. There's only so much lying you can do with the pills. It is perfectly natural for us to hate ourselves and taking pills is unnatural. But what else can you do?

 

[NorasDad]

I feel the same way. I hate my life and myself. I cannot see why I wouldn't. I've been on meds for five years now and they helped a bit, not much. Now they are failing. There's only so much lying you can do with the pills. It is perfectly natural for us to hate ourselves and taking pills is unnatural. But what else can you do?

Whoa there! If you hate yourself, should I hate you? Should you hate me?

Do you see my confusion here?

 

[albie]

Whoa there! If you hate yourself, should I hate you? Should you hate me?

Do you see my confusion here?

You maybe should pity me.

 

[NorasDad]

You maybe should pity me.

Pity the you who hates or pity the you who is hated?

Do you see my point?

 

[AnotherBrickWall]

Hi emily, my name's mick, at the age of 20 i felt very similar, i hated being alive for a variety of reasons. At the time i thought of seeking help as just another failing in myself, another reason to think of myself as pathetic, a further weakness and that if i couldn't find my own solution then what good was i. I don't know if you have similar feelings but, either way, my point is i am now 35 and have struggled through the last 17 years without seeking professional help or advice and i beg of you PLEASE DO NOT MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES I HAVE!! I can now only wish i had gotten help, hindsight can be a difficult thing to deal with, to know that a simple conversation, with the right person, years earlier might've made the only life you get enjoyable is a tough pill to swallow. You are blessed with foresight so take advantage of it, at 20 years old your life has not even begun, you will experience so much in just the next few years and its well within your power and ability to make most of those experiences positive! I would've rather had the physical pain of broken bones every month than suffered the mental torture of a broken mind, if you broke your bones you would not think twice but to go to the hospital, please PLEASE look after yourself and seek help.

 

[AnotherBrickWall]

NorasDad, i am new here, but if it wasn't for the "well known member" under your name i would suspect you a troll! I dont understand how you think your nonsensical, moronic riddles are helping on this topic. If you want to educate yourself do so in the appropriate place and do not pose ridiculous, confusing questions to a young person who is seemingly already confused and here to seek answers!!

 

[R2Y5A0N2]

Please speak to your GP and tell them exactly how you feel. A combination of medication and therapy might be helpful. If you are in a crisis then always ring Samaritans. I wish you all the best and hope you start to feel more positive soon.

 

[albie]

Pity the you who hates or pity the you who is hated?

Do you see my point?

Pity both.

 

[NorasDad]

Pity both.

Exactly. And if I pity the person who is hated, it's because I see intrinsic value in that person. Do you see? By saying I should pity both sides of you, YOU are admitting your intrinsic value to me, a person who lives thousands of miles away and doesn't even know you.

I'm answering you because I feel that intrinsic value, even if you don't. In all the emptiness of the Universe, you are a fantastically improbable, wonderful, growing thing. The depression in your mind is real. The anger you feel at yourself - the nihilism - seems big and tough, but it's a mental bully, actually empty and weak.

I've been there. So many of us have. There's no shame in feeling as you do. When we deal with depression we learn that the nihilism is ultimately .... silly. Again, there's no shame in feeling that way but neither is there shame in acknowledging that you and the world might be something extraordinarily special. If you can learn not to pay the mental bully inside your head any mind (or at least less), then you'll see that value in life again.

Really.

Truly.

I know what I'm saying and I know what it's like to come out the other side of the tunnel.

You'll be glad you tried.

 

[NorasDad]

Try this when your thoughts get intense

STOPP skill