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I cannot communicate and it's getting worse

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Psycho

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Is being happy the thing to aim for? We all want to feel good, sure. But maybe it isn't realistic to think there should be happiness for the rest of your life. That sets the bar pretty high. Look at your past. Was it just filled with happy days? Sad ones being the exception rather than the rule?
You can likely expect more of what you had before. Or maybe you can change course somehow. Like a ship on the sea.

I'd settle for mostly OK most of the time. That sounds like a possibility. Just to be OK and good enough, nothing great. There are gonna be bad days, as there were before. Maybe our goal should be to just try to have more good days than bad, if we can. I'd take it, 4 or 5 good days a week, or like 12 out of 16 hours being OK? Sounds good to me.
Oh, I fully agree with you there. I never aimed for "happiness" and haven't given it much thought, frankly. Whilst my mother has genetic depression, I usually feel fine in everyday life, but as per the topic of the thread, the only times I feel acute stress/unhappiness is when communication frustrates me.

Just three minutes ago, and I mean three, I got into a perplexing exchange with my firm's secretary, because I recently moved house and don't remember my postal code. Well, I do but I often get the numbers the wrong way 'round. I gave her the wrong digit and went to check, she made a scene out of it and I've been standing there with my interest piqued, wondering why I am again in the midst of a communication hurdle. I still don't know what she wanted from me, I gave her the right one in the end, what more do you want? Weird...

I'm considering moving jobs either way and I think I'll warn the HR in advance that you'll find me at my desk from 7.30 to 7.30, if need be, but always in headphones, and that I'm the one to only email, not talk to, thanks so much. That'll go down well in PR.
 
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Twinkle Toes

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I'm considering moving jobs either way and I think I'll warn the HR in advance that you'll find me at my desk from 7.30 to 7.30, if need be, but always in headphones, and that I'm the one to only email, not talk to, thanks so much. That'll go down well in PR.
That might not go down too well unless it's your intention to annoy them so much they sack you!
either way if it were me I'd make sure I had another job lined up to go to first! (unless your choosing to take a 'work break')

If you're wanting to 'climb the work ladders' for better pay/future pension/be so rich you never need to work again! ...you need to create an alter ego that is exactly what your choice of occupation is looking for! Google 'secret schizoid' (or covert schizoid) you'll get what I mean!
 
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Psycho

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That might not go down too well unless it's your intention to annoy them so much they sack you!
either way if it were me I'd make sure I had another job lined up to go to first! (unless your choosing to take a 'work break')

If you're wanting to 'climb the work ladders' for better pay/future pension/be so rich you never need to work again! ...you need to create an alter ego that is exactly what your choice of occupation is looking for! Google 'secret schizoid' (or covert schizoid) you'll get what I mean!
I was being sarcastic there, although I've never had issues finding work. I used to work for a huge global firm where we had a colleague not much older than I am now who did exactly that in her own way - she didn't allow anyone to speak to her before 11 am and after 6 pm. So it's all about daring to ask.

Jokes aside, I don't imagine it'll make any difference. I do think your alter ego idea is not bad at all, although I'm not sure I'd ever go for it. I barely feel I have a personality in the first place at times, so not eager to go for fucking it up to suit someone.

Generally, I find with work the more laissez-faire and arrogant you are the more you get paid and valued. That's the truth about relationships on the artificial level - the less you care, the more people want you. I got a huge raise recently for doing fuck-all, as far as I'm concerned, apart from being hot and wearing heels and showbiz-level makeup every day. All of which is to say I'm not remotely concerned about not having a job to fall back on. My current one is great, people would die for it, it's a 9-6 with unbelievable pay in central London in a nice office, but I don't want so much communication because it truly sucks and I do cause my fair share of misunderstanding, I guess, as with the secretary.

Anyway, really loved your message, made me laugh. I have recently been given a new baby employee to mentor and he's been splendid and immediately grasped that the best way to get stellar feedback/reports/monthly reviews from me is to handle all the human side of work while I do the writing. Hence I actually feel we make a good team, which feels a bit like an oxymoron to write but must be the case. Heck, life is weird.
 
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Twinkle Toes

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oh ok lol! sarcasm is generally wasted on the autistic! we just don't tend to 'get it'! Think 'spock' from Star Trek...smart but highly literal! :D.

The key to 'masking' (ie the 'alter ego') is that it's 'not you' anyway. so it's not taking anything away from you. It's just a 'social mask' or business hat/head and you have to be able to dissociate from it when you are in your own space where you just want to 'be you' (ie at home)

It worked for me for years anyway I can only speak from my experience having had a phobia of speaking outside the home i was given the ultimatum of having to have achieved by my last year of primary or going to a 'special school' (this was back in the 70's when statements of special educational need didnt exist!).

I learnt to master the art of mimicking others without any of my self being present! ..but maybe dissociation comes to me more easily as people always described me as 'living in my own world'!
 
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Psycho

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oh ok lol! sarcasm is generally wasted on the autistic! we just don't tend to 'get it'! Think 'spock' from Star Trek...smart but highly literal! :D.

The key to 'masking' (ie the 'alter ego') is that it's 'not you' anyway. so it's not taking anything away from you. It's just a 'social mask' or business hat/head and you have to be able to dissociate from it when you are in your own space where you just want to 'be you' (ie at home)

It worked for me for years anyway I can only speak from my experience having had a phobia of speaking outside the home i was given the ultimatum of having to have achieved by my last year of primary or going to a 'special school' (this was back in the 70's when statements of special educational need didnt exist!).

I learnt to master the art of mimicking others without any of my self being present! ..but maybe dissociation comes to me more easily as people always described me as 'living in my own world'!
That's truly fascinating, well done. I never feel quite like "myself", whatever that means, so adapting my self to various situations is a routine thing. But I wish I could have that kind of consistent mask, never tried it but will do.

The ultimatum you got sounds well, unthinkable. Does put things into perspective re: things being much easier now, for sure.

I live in my own world too, of course, and I think frankly it's a much better one than the world around us. Dissociation comes easily to me too, though since I started living alone/boarding/became separate from family, I've descended into derealisation-depersonalisation disorder, seeing myself from afar, hearing myself speak., I used to be a bit frightening to a teenager but it comes in handy for monitoring my social responses and posture and gestures, so why the hell not.
 
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Psycho

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Another one for you all, or most probably, for myself. I am very active across several film forums. Last night, I re-watched "The Tale" (2018) with Laura Dern, a film I love. However, last night was the first time I noticed the girl playing the child version of the protagonist had very bad diction. I posted a thread on a film forum where I have been a very active participant for years, aiming to discuss whether good diction has become less important in child casting nowadays, and why. I used another film as an example, noting both times that I love children and have worked with them a lot, and that this was a discussion of cinematic trends only, seeing as in older films, and even until very recently, child actors had as crisp a diction as possible. I also acknowledged that in some films. like "The Babadook", bad diction serves an obvious plot and characterisation purpose. I don't know why that's offensive but the thread got wiped right out of existence within seconds - though admittedly, no one has messaged me about it. It all goes back to communicating. I honestly can't see what the problem with my thread is.
 
Wishbone

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This is an interesting read. @Psycho, a couple of things jump out at me so I just wanted to ask you how you think you'd feel in say, 20-30 years, when your looks are fading and you presumably aren't in a relationship with anyone, but still have a good job and a nice house. Whether you can get a handle on this social/communication thing or not, where do you think you would be at the end of each day, mentally?
 
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Psycho

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@Wishbone, I appreciate you weighing in. People find that hard to believe, but I began envisaging the sort of outcome you describe when I was 14. I remember that moment very well. I am quite analytical, so I do realise the "consequences", as it were, of all this.

I think about this again now, and I'm not sure I would be particularly concerned. I believe everyone should be cautious about projecting into the future as perceptions do change. My mother is extremely empathetic - to the point of absurdity - which means she feels sorry for film and book characters - and she's always had a peculiar (to my mind) reaction to old people and age. She spoke a lot about helping her grandmother wash herself and feeding her, etc. Hence, I have spent more time than the average person my age thinking about old age and the changes people go through. I am not afraid of age, I know it will ruin my body and my mind someday, but even before I realised how "bad" things were and how introverted I am, I always knew I would prefer to be alone in old age, with hired help to help me with daily tasks towards the very end, but as independent and withdrawn as possible. I also think there is something heart-breaking about seeing the person you love (I admit my understanding of the love part is abstract) losing their mind and soiling themselves. People will say it's natural, but I wouldn't want to experience it and I especially, emphatically, categorically wouldn't want to be in this position for my hypothetical partner to see.

I obviously have "intimacy issues", as they say, but I simply do not want people (whether relatives or a partner) seeing me in compromising positions, naked, sick or any of that. I have heard all arguments against my position from my mother over the last decade, during those in-depth conversations about ageing, but this is simply how I feel, this is my mental constitution. All of which is to say, if there ever was a time when I would want to be more alone than ever, it would be old age. What you describe sounds exactly like what I aspire to: big house, secure financially, as healthy as one can be. I would do rigorous research like I always do and do my best to hire the kind of help that wouldn't abuse me, bearing in mind, however, that that is always a gamble. I'd try to put all sorts of legal safeguarding measures place using lawyers to prevent that from happening.

I am not stupid or naïve. I am aware at that point I will probably feel extremely lonely and regret these choices. But there's always something to regret, that's the downside of having choices. I have never as yet actively regretted being alone when I could have chosen to be with people rather than alone. A few years ago, back when I was still trying to get my parents to think I was normal, I lied to my mother that I went to see a concert in another city with a friend, though I was alone for the whole trip., alone in the hotel, exploring restaurants. I have only good memories of the trip. I am sure "company" would have spoiled it.

What I do agree with is that I would feel my loneliness more acutely in old age, as does everyone, but I would hopefully feel it with writing and other "intellectual pursuits" (I am being sarky here but the sentiment is genuine). At the end of each day, I'd aim to do the sort of things I do now: write, read books, watch films... To my mind, sad as some people might find it, that's all there is to life anyway.
 
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Psycho

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Know this is massively off topic, but following the tragic news of Prince Philip's death, this makes me think how society disrespects old people by pretending to "take care" of them. The man wanted to drive until he was 97 so he did, until he got caught, that is. People judged. The man probably also wanted to be with his wife and not in hospital, and not to have spent the last year of his life isolating because it's supposedly "safer", but no one seems to ask old people what they want. I very much doubt I would want this kind of "care" when I'm old, amounting as it does to dehumanising me and preventing me from living my life because someone is "worried", and if I did, well, I could be in illusions as to what it entails. I think the one benefit of being alone in old age is not having people demean and disrespect you by telling you what to do. I've seen enough of it in my own family. My mother had massive bouts of over-anxiety about where my grandma went, if she fell, what she ate. Who gives younger people the right to do that? I am very protective of my space even now, so I would want to steer clear of that I think.
 
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Twinkle Toes

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I think Prince Phillip died at Windsor Castle not in hospital, but it is a shame they had to shield for his last year, but at least he got to spend more time with the Queen as she was usually so busy still working previously when he had 'retired'. He dedicated his life to being her 'consort' so I'm sure he was glad they managed to get some quality time together out of what was usuallly quite a busy life.

With regard to the rest of us (who don't live in castles with royalty!) I'm sure I once saw a TV program about this subject. They were comparing older folk that lived alone and still did everything (around the home and self-care wise) themselves and those that lived with family ..I can't remember the entire show but the outcome was that the ones that did live alone were much more independant for longer as long as they could access the services they wanted that kept them mentally happy too eg they had a way to go shopping with friends if thats what made them happy or one old guy lived happily in old cottaage in the middle of nowhere with his retired (sheep) dogs. He didn't have sheep anymore but had a small flock of ducks for the dogs to round up instead and sold duck eggs for extra income! Think he had a cleaner but did his own gardening which he enjoyed more and had one of those little mower tractor thingies you ride on and drive!

He was in his eighties! Sure he still drove too just locally...cos I remember him having the dogs in the back of the land rover jeep going down to the village for his paper and some shopping! ..only remember that bit cos of the dogs..lol! :)

Have you ever watched the story of Hannah Hauxwell? (its on Youtube) she was in her 70's or older living on that farm with no electricity or running water even, if you consider what she managed physically daily it was probably much more than average pensioner her age!
 
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Psycho

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I think Prince Phillip died at Windsor Castle not in hospital, but it is a shame they had to shield for his last year, but at least he got to spend more time with the Queen as she was usually so busy still working previously when he had 'retired'. He dedicated his life to being her 'consort' so I'm sure he was glad they managed to get some quality time together out of what was usuallly quite a busy life.

With regard to the rest of us (who don't live in castles with royalty!) I'm sure I once saw a TV program about this subject. They were comparing older folk that lived alone and still did everything (around the home and self-care wise) themselves and those that lived with family ..I can't remember the entire show but the outcome was that the ones that did live alone were much more independant for longer as long as they could access the services they wanted that kept them mentally happy too eg they had a way to go shopping with friends if thats what made them happy or one old guy lived happily in old cottaage in the middle of nowhere with his retired (sheep) dogs. He didn't have sheep anymore but had a small flock of ducks for the dogs to round up instead and sold duck eggs for extra income! Think he had a cleaner but did his own gardening which he enjoyed more and had one of those little mower tractor thingies you ride on and drive!

He was in his eighties! Sure he still drove too just locally...cos I remember him having the dogs in the back of the land rover jeep going down to the village for his paper and some shopping! ..only remember that bit cos of the dogs..lol! :)

Have you ever watched the story of Hannah Hauxwell? (its on Youtube) she was in her 70's or older living on that farm with no electricity or running water even, if you consider what she managed physically daily it was probably much more than average pensioner her age!
I agree with you re: independence, didn't know this, but seems natural that the more older people rely in themselves, the more capable they remain both physically and mentally. Haven't watched the story of Hannah Hauxwell but it somehow rings a bell. Will check it out. I guess that's the thing, something about family hovering over you incapacitates you.
 
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Twinkle Toes

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I agree with you re: independence, didn't know this, but seems natural that the more older people rely in themselves, the more capable they remain both physically and mentally. Haven't watched the story of Hannah Hauxwell but it somehow rings a bell. Will check it out. I guess that's the thing, something about family hovering over you incapacitates you.

Here ...At about 6mins she's dragging a sledge with hay on for the cattle and lifting bales over a stile!


Sometimes family can do too much whatever age you are. I known a few people who are more incapacitated by the fact family do too much for them. They had started around a similar level of physical disability to me a few years back or originally better off but now in nursing homes or carers visiting the homes.

I got back to semi-mobility and still alone. My dog was my motivation, I was all she had and I'd promised her an home for life.

I've read also people with animals have better recovery from things like strokes and heart attacks and are less likely than non dog owners to have one in the first place.
 
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Psycho

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Here ...At about 6mins she's dragging a sledge with hay on for the cattle and lifting bales over a stile!


Sometimes family can do too much whatever age you are. I known a few people who are more incapacitated by the fact family do too much for them. They had started around a similar level of physical disability to me a few years back or originally better off but now in nursing homes or carers visiting the homes.

I got back to semi-mobility and still alone. My dog was my motivation, I was all she had and I'd promised her an home for life.

I've read also people with animals have better recovery from things like strokes and heart attacks and are less likely than non dog owners to have one in the first place.
Watched this a few times this weekend.
 
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Psycho

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She sounds like a fascinating woman. So polite and humble, too. I didn't know about her, so thank you for bringing this to my attention. There us a woman a bit like Hannah in Russia, she has lived alone in Siberia for decades. I guess it's not so uncommon when you dog deep. I really hope you and your dog stick together and both keep well, @Twinkle Toes. I'm sure animals help. I'm more of a cat person, but I can't wait until I get a cat and we get to learn about each other.
 
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