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I can`t stop beating myself fysically while losing in a game

I

itsawonderfulworld

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Joined
May 29, 2020
Messages
5
Location
My apartment
Hi,

I have been playing a certain series of sports video game since the 90`s. Every year, I wanted to be the best player there was.

I was actually very good back in the days, one year I was in world`s top 10 and once I was my country`s number 1.

The game has developed deep into my psyche, and I reflect my place in the world according my success in the game. I feel like when I used to win everyone in this game, I had very high thoughts of myself and constantly had an elevated sense of myself. These days I find it impossible to perform, and the circle I`m at has been getting worse and worse every year.

It started with me just breaking stuff, punching a hole in the wall, breaking a gamepad, screaming and sending my opponents the most evil messages I could come up with as a revenge where I tried to be as literal as I could about really bad stuff happening for them. I never wanted to blow off like that, but I slowly noticed that I can`t help it since the level of anger inside of me went all over my limits of coping with and I just had to blow off the steam somehow every time I lost.

At some point this was not enough for me anymore. I think it was over an year ago, when I noticed that I have developed a serious hatred towards myself for not winning the opponents who should be easy for me to win. I struggled in places that I couldn´t accept, and I still can`t. I started to think that if I can`t turn my success around, I don`t deserve to live anymore. I still think like that.
At some point I started to harm myself with my fists, often leaving me a headache. I regretted it so much, because it was stupid to put it simply.. I just couldn`t stop. Every time I realized I`m not going to win the match, against an opponent who was not top of the world player, I hit myself.
I have most likely caused my head some damage along the way, and even now when I´m writing this message I think I deserve it because if I´m not better than the players I look down on, I really think I have no right to live. I`m not meeting my own expectations, not even close.
Sometimes I just hit myself once with force, sometimes when I get really angry I beat myself up harming myself multiple times.

I`m often conserned that I end up hurting myself with this behaviour I can`t seem to get rid of.


I don´t know if writing to this forum helps, I really don`t have anyone to share these feelings for. I have a girlfriend but she does not understand, and to be frankly I don`t blame her. I have tried talking about this with her many times, but she just tells me to quit playing and does not understand that I`d rather end myself than do it. I would not continue my life always remembering that I was a loser who gave up because he couldn`t win.


I also have been told by a professional in psychology that I most likely have an anti social personality disorder, and I believe in it since I fit the description quite well. He did a brief test for me and it seemed a pretty clear case. I don`t know if it has anything to do with this issue, but thought I`d mention it.

If you took time to read, and also take time to reply I´m grateful.

Please don`t suggest me to quit the game however, because that`s not an option for me. I want to be cured of these anger management / self hurt issues I have, and be able to lose without attacking myself.
 
Lance__

Lance__

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 21, 2019
Messages
262
Location
Spain
Hi,

I have been playing a certain series of sports video game since the 90`s. Every year, I wanted to be the best player there was.

I was actually very good back in the days, one year I was in world`s top 10 and once I was my country`s number 1.

The game has developed deep into my psyche, and I reflect my place in the world according my success in the game. I feel like when I used to win everyone in this game, I had very high thoughts of myself and constantly had an elevated sense of myself. These days I find it impossible to perform, and the circle I`m at has been getting worse and worse every year.

It started with me just breaking stuff, punching a hole in the wall, breaking a gamepad, screaming and sending my opponents the most evil messages I could come up with as a revenge where I tried to be as literal as I could about really bad stuff happening for them. I never wanted to blow off like that, but I slowly noticed that I can`t help it since the level of anger inside of me went all over my limits of coping with and I just had to blow off the steam somehow every time I lost.

At some point this was not enough for me anymore. I think it was over an year ago, when I noticed that I have developed a serious hatred towards myself for not winning the opponents who should be easy for me to win. I struggled in places that I couldn´t accept, and I still can`t. I started to think that if I can`t turn my success around, I don`t deserve to live anymore. I still think like that.
At some point I started to harm myself with my fists, often leaving me a headache. I regretted it so much, because it was stupid to put it simply.. I just couldn`t stop. Every time I realized I`m not going to win the match, against an opponent who was not top of the world player, I hit myself.
I have most likely caused my head some damage along the way, and even now when I´m writing this message I think I deserve it because if I´m not better than the players I look down on, I really think I have no right to live. I`m not meeting my own expectations, not even close.
Sometimes I just hit myself once with force, sometimes when I get really angry I beat myself up harming myself multiple times.

I`m often conserned that I end up hurting myself with this behaviour I can`t seem to get rid of.


I don´t know if writing to this forum helps, I really don`t have anyone to share these feelings for. I have a girlfriend but she does not understand, and to be frankly I don`t blame her. I have tried talking about this with her many times, but she just tells me to quit playing and does not understand that I`d rather end myself than do it. I would not continue my life always remembering that I was a loser who gave up because he couldn`t win.


I also have been told by a professional in psychology that I most likely have an anti social personality disorder, and I believe in it since I fit the description quite well. He did a brief test for me and it seemed a pretty clear case. I don`t know if it has anything to do with this issue, but thought I`d mention it.

If you took time to read, and also take time to reply I´m grateful.

Please don`t suggest me to quit the game however, because that`s not an option for me. I want to be cured of these anger management / self hurt issues I have, and be able to lose without attacking myself.
Sorry to hear you are suffering so much with this :hug: it's a big step you have written here seeking help, this forum is a safe place full of kind people, I hope you can find yourself comfortable here to share your feelings.
It seems that your self-harm behaviour is related to self-punishment for not achieving what you expected. I can relate to it, because I do the same thing, but be gentle with yourself. We are all humans; nobody is perfect, and we all do mistakes, and it's completely OK. And I'm sorry if it sounds a bit cruel, but there will always be someone who is going to be better in a game. It's an old proverb, but it's true. And that's completely fine. You are worthy just because you exist, not because you have been the nº1 in your country or because you were in the top 10 of the world. You are seeking your worth in the outside, but your accomplishments are not a measure of your worthiness. You are worthy because you exist. There is no more, and no less. You are worthy, whatever you do :hug: Isn't it a relief?
If you want to stop your anger, I would recommend being honest with yourself and asking yourself why are you seeking your own value in something external. Do you love yourself? Why do you need to be the best?
Everybody deserves forgiveness, and everybody deserve to live, and to be just an imperfect human, because nobody is perfect, and nobody is the best.

Saying that, it also seems you have an harsh inner critic, who maybe says to you to self-harm because you are unworthy or similar. I'd strongly recommend seeing -whenever you can- a well-trained therapist to help you with all of this, because it's difficult to manage it on our own without help.

I hope you can find inner peace, and you can feel better soon (and sorry if my reply sounded a bit harsh). Take care, itsawonderfulworld. Nice username, by the way.

:grouphug:
 
PerpetuallyStuck

PerpetuallyStuck

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May 20, 2020
Messages
546
Location
England
This is really interesting. I can remember playing Pro Evolution Soccer 5 online back when it was new. One match I picked a poor team (Northern Ireland) and it was against someone ranked 50th in Europe, and they picked Germany. I was ranked something like 100,000th because I had just started and was just casual about it. The match ended 0-0 and I dominated the match for the most part. Should have won, but couldn't put my chances away. The guy was honoured to have played that match and there was mutual respect. I never felt like I could be ranked that high if I played continuously.

It is difficult having had success, and not being able to reclaim it. Competition doesn't let up. There will always be someone as good as or better. The more time goes on, the more competition. Like if you played a decade ago, you now have people who were kids back then who are now adults also playing the game.

The main thing is that you have things going for you in life. The fact that you have a girlfriend....I'd gladly give up being good at games to have a relationship. Try to find something else, or at least something less competitive to play. Gaming can be stressful, and that isn't good for mental health.
 
NWiddi

NWiddi

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May I ask how old you are? Most of the time when we reach a certain age our reflexes aren't as sharp as they used to be.

I don't play FPS games any more simply because I can't keep up with the teenagers with better eye sight and faster reflexes. That and I got sick of being tea bagged lol.
 
I

itsawonderfulworld

Member
Joined
May 29, 2020
Messages
5
Location
My apartment
Sorry to hear you are suffering so much with this :hug: it's a big step you have written here seeking help, this forum is a safe place full of kind people, I hope you can find yourself comfortable here to share your feelings.
It seems that your self-harm behaviour is related to self-punishment for not achieving what you expected. I can relate to it, because I do the same thing, but be gentle with yourself. We are all humans; nobody is perfect, and we all do mistakes, and it's completely OK. And I'm sorry if it sounds a bit cruel, but there will always be someone who is going to be better in a game. It's an old proverb, but it's true. And that's completely fine. You are worthy just because you exist, not because you have been the nº1 in your country or because you were in the top 10 of the world. You are seeking your worth in the outside, but your accomplishments are not a measure of your worthiness. You are worthy because you exist. There is no more, and no less. You are worthy, whatever you do :hug: Isn't it a relief?
If you want to stop your anger, I would recommend being honest with yourself and asking yourself why are you seeking your own value in something external. Do you love yourself? Why do you need to be the best?
Everybody deserves forgiveness, and everybody deserve to live, and to be just an imperfect human, because nobody is perfect, and nobody is the best.

Saying that, it also seems you have an harsh inner critic, who maybe says to you to self-harm because you are unworthy or similar. I'd strongly recommend seeing -whenever you can- a well-trained therapist to help you with all of this, because it's difficult to manage it on our own without help.

I hope you can find inner peace, and you can feel better soon (and sorry if my reply sounded a bit harsh). Take care, itsawonderfulworld. Nice username, by the way.

:grouphug:

Thank you, nice words you wrote there. I don`t know if I love myself. I know that I used to do so. I quess I need to be the best because of the time I have invested in this.. it seems like a lifetime. If with the time I have invested I can`t be amongst the best players, I`m a failure.

I`m very hard towards myself. I quess I have grown to be like that, because of the things that have happened in my life along the way. I quess I have just lost too much, in other areas of life as well, and it made me this way.

I wish I felt like I wash worthy just by existing, it would feel good for sure. :( I just feel so far away from that.. I`m glad you like my username. :)
 
I

itsawonderfulworld

Member
Joined
May 29, 2020
Messages
5
Location
My apartment
This is really interesting. I can remember playing Pro Evolution Soccer 5 online back when it was new. One match I picked a poor team (Northern Ireland) and it was against someone ranked 50th in Europe, and they picked Germany. I was ranked something like 100,000th because I had just started and was just casual about it. The match ended 0-0 and I dominated the match for the most part. Should have won, but couldn't put my chances away. The guy was honoured to have played that match and there was mutual respect. I never felt like I could be ranked that high if I played continuously.

It is difficult having had success, and not being able to reclaim it. Competition doesn't let up. There will always be someone as good as or better. The more time goes on, the more competition. Like if you played a decade ago, you now have people who were kids back then who are now adults also playing the game.

The main thing is that you have things going for you in life. The fact that you have a girlfriend....I'd gladly give up being good at games to have a relationship. Try to find something else, or at least something less competitive to play. Gaming can be stressful, and that isn't good for mental health.
Yeah you might be right, competition is tougher than it was on those days I was doing great in the game. But I should also have developed with time, as I`m constantly trying to learn everything that every good player out there is doing. I`m going through the effort to be a better player every day. It just doesn`t seem to be enough.

What you wrote about relationships gave me a feeling you are looking for one. I don`t know if I`m correct about this, sorry if I`m not. I sincerely hope you find one, with the right person who is worth the wait.

I know gaming is bad for my mental health ( and fysical health as well with this rate..) but it`s just that I have always had trouble enjoying "normal" stuff in life. Going out with friends, etc, enjoying what our society has to offer have never seemed to cut it for me. I just get bored very easily if I`m not putting my heart in something 100% and gaming has grown to be my escape in general.
 
I

itsawonderfulworld

Member
Joined
May 29, 2020
Messages
5
Location
My apartment
May I ask how old you are? Most of the time when we reach a certain age our reflexes aren't as sharp as they used to be.

I don't play FPS games any more simply because I can't keep up with the teenagers with better eye sight and faster reflexes. That and I got sick of being tea bagged lol.
Of course. I`m 33.

I require my relfexes etc to be just as sharp as any teenager. I find it impossible to think otherwise. I have made plans to play this game until I`m old, winning everyone as I gain experience. In my opinion I`m still young anyways. I feel a lot sharper than I was on my teenage years. I actually wear glasses while I play. I could play without them also, but it would be losing an advantage not to use them and actually I did use them also while playing back in days so this has not changed for worse during the years in my opinion..
 
Lance__

Lance__

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Oct 21, 2019
Messages
262
Location
Spain
I don`t know if I love myself. I know that I used to do so.
That's very good! If you used to love yourself it may be easier now to re-connect with your own self.
If with the time I have invested I can`t be amongst the best players, I`m a failure.
This phrase seems important, like a 'core belief' (maybe I'm wrong so if it's the case please ignore this), it would be something like that:
"If I do not success --> I'm a failure --> Failure = I'm unworthy, don't have any value --> I can only be worthy if I suceed/am the best --> Failure is not permitted. I must win. My worthiness is equal to my success. I do not have any value being a loser"

I'm not suprised you have this anger attacks with your inner critic when you lose a game or don't achieve your expectations. In reality you are not winning or losing a game; what you are putting at stake is your own value, not the game itself. You are using the game as an expression of your instrinsic value. It must be really exhausting, and really tiring.
But I would like to say again that it is completely ok to lose a game. You are worthy and deserve to be loved even if you lose every game you play from now on. It's as simple as that :hug:
I know from my experience how difficult is to manage the anger and self-harm as self-punishment, so I'd suggest finding a kind therapist to help you with it. It helped me a lot, and is still helping me.
Also, it's just a thought, but maybe you are focusing too much on the final goal, instead of enjoying the 'path' you have walked/are walking to achieve your goal. You said if you don't win after spending so much time/efford on it, you are a failure. Well, why not change a bit this way of thinking? You can think instead about what you have learnt in the way, what experiences you have had maybe with friends or others, what good memories you have created, etc. Did you enjoyed it and had lot of laughts, even if you lost? Well, then it was worth it!
I just get bored very easily if I`m not putting my heart in something 100%
Well, you can always put your heart at 100% in working in the 'self-love project' :p
Anyway, take care, and remember to be gentle with yourself.
 
CatLord

CatLord

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Jan 12, 2020
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68
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Not gonna write anything long and depp since I'm not really an expert, but I once hard a simple quote, that helped me to manage my anger in games:
"Allow yourself to fail".
 
midnightphoenix

midnightphoenix

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My suggestion was that if its affecting you badly, maybe take a break from the game and work on your frustration levels? I don't play games any more cause i tend to lose them, i even lose at solitaire/patience unless its with a actual pack of cards and i can then cheat a bit to make it work (it is very rare for me to win at patience) :redface:
 
P

Prycejosh1987

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Jul 7, 2020
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It sounds good to be good at something, but its not everything. Its better to enjoy life and find your own personal successes.
 
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