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I can’t tell anymore if it’s HOCD or denial. I’m so confused and just want to be myself again.

L

Lina123

New member
Joined
Apr 23, 2021
Messages
1
Location
London
Hi. I’ve had OCD for many many years. It started when I was 12 and a half. It started with the fear of death and then it moved on to harm ocd incest ocd then ocd schizophrenia ocd etc etc. And last year in June it went into a new theme. Homosexual OCD. It all started with seeing 2 main characters in a character kiss. I felt arousal but it felt wrong and it wasn’t me? But the arousal made me question ‘am I gay or am I bisexual?’
And that’s when the terror started. There has been not one day since then that I haven’t thought of these thoughts. And I’ve been suffering so much. I had to check over and over if I’m attracted to men and I departed myself from my female friends and decided to look down from them on, as seeing a girls chest or face made me think I am attracted to them. Previous to June I had always been straight. Always attracted to boys and always loved them. I couldn’t ever imagine being with a girl. Ever. Sure I had questioned myself, I think many have but I always came to the conclusion that I am straight. But I couldn’t handle it after June.The HOCD removed my concentration, I had to keep checking to confirm I’m straight. I dunno how but eventually I realised I am attracted to men. But.. what if I was to both genders? So then I stopped checking whether I’m aroused with men and checked if I’m not with women. It worked mostly, sometimes I got a tingly feeling down there and I thought wait so I do like being with a woman? But then I said no I’m straight. I kept searching on the internet, wanting answers. And then one day I broke down. I couldn’t take it at all. So I decided to do self ERP and made myself think of the thoughts and put myself in situations I didn’t want to be in just in case I would show arousal which would show I’m attracted to women. And I realised I didn’t like women at all. I realised I really loved them and cared for them like sisters and my aunts and mother etc but I would never ever want to be sexually close to them ever. Now I wanted to check whether I was romantically attracted to them and concluded no.Just like before I realised I wasn’t. I’d want to have close friends that were girls and nothing else. I would kill myself if I was a differnt sexual orientation and I was severely scared I was losing the person I was.
everything was not great but better now. Whenever I had the thoughts I came to that conclusion that I’m still straight and now it’s HOCD. Then on the bus, I had a thought of a girl doing something sexual to me. I felt arousal but I felt no anxiety and that’s when it went to the wrong direction. I felt arousal and no disgust (probably after a years worth of over thinking and desensitisation and the mini ERP therapy I did)
And thought wait so I like being with a woman? Why am I not repulsed? Why am I not disgusted? Where’s the anxiety gone? I’m sick and tired. I don’t know if it’s the OCD now or that I’m in denial. Ppl say you are in denial if you enjoyed it. I had no anxiety, I didn’t have anything to tell me that it was horrid this time around and now I think I am bisexual. I’m so sad I’m so tearful. I’m so tired. I really have an urge to think of the same scene of me with the woman again, to see if I did like it. The thing is, I can have these thoughts without anxiety and that was the only thing that would show I’m straight. Please can anyone help?
 
2

2Much2Feel

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 24, 2021
Messages
619
Location
US
Hi Lina. I'm sorry you're going through all this. I'd suggest connecting w Haribo. She too is going through this, maybe you guys can relate.

I hope you find it helpful in this forum. A lot of people can relate, and don''t judge.
 
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Elle59

Member
Joined
May 2, 2021
Messages
7
Location
Belgium
Hi Lina,
Dealing with OCD right now.
If you want to talk i'm here
 
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