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I can’t recognize myself or imagine a future anymore.

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MudBug

New member
Joined
Oct 12, 2021
Messages
4
Location
Colorado
I (27F) have hit a wall. The past 5 years have had a lot of changes. For the first 3 I was hopeful, energized, excited for life. Things were hard and I had to work for them but I could do it. I could face problems, enjoy successes, just be mostly normal.

This past year has just been… a total mess. My mental health has been on a vicious downward spiral. My academics and financials have suffered and just continue to get worse. I isolate myself most of the time. Make poor impulsive decisions the rest of the time. I don’t think I’ve felt a moment of genuine happiness in a full calendar year.

The thing is even when I can get the basics under control (stop drinking, watch my tongue, take a walk) there’s still something just so incredibly wrong inside. It feels like someone removed my lifelong personality and replaced it with a literal pile of ash.

I can’t find motivation for anything. I had another breakdown, quit my job, and haven’t barely moved from my couch for two months. I try to visualize getting basic tasks done, moving forward, living life— and in seconds it’s like my mind goes through the first week and then everything goes black. Like I can’t imagine my own future existing. So I just do… nothing. Absolutely nothing. All sense of value to my life has completely drained from me. Even just taking a shower is stopped by completely depressed overthinking until I don’t see the point. Trying to force myself results in actual anxiety attacks (also a fairly new problem) so then I’m back to just laying on the couch trying to catch my breath from doing nothing.

I don’t feel like there’s any point to doing literally anything. These feelings leading to a point of suicidal thoughts has become my new normal, which is terrifying. The brief moments I do feel a twinge of motivation, I try to act on it and become overwhelmed in seconds, then right back to paralyzed and just focusing on keeping myself breathing.

I’m just not sure how to fix my brain. I’m aware of all the recommended methods but I just don’t do them because I somehow link the action to a severe notion of pointlessness, trigger a panic attack trying to think past it, do nothing— rinse and repeat. It’s a vicious cycle and I honestly just wish I could rewind my mind to how it felt a few years ago. Like running a “system restore” on myself.

I’m 99% sure I suffer from ADHD. I had gotten used to working hard to focus on details and keep tracks of things. But then this last year especially it’s the intense feeling of depression and worthlessness that’s ruining my life. It’s the first time I’ve ever felt immediate pain when trying to picture a future that would make me happy, even though I technically know I’m capable of accomplishing whatever I want. Seeing the purpose of it has become impossible. I know I’ve got some fresh trauma that I need to work through. Not having the means (or motivation) for finding yet another new therapist has left me to just ruminating. Almost feels like a “chicken / egg” type problem.

I guess that sums it up. Just wanted to air it out somewhere. Just feels like there’s literally zero point to me doing a single thing. The suicidal feelings are like a steady hum now that I push down. But that’s the most I can accomplish, just bothering to keep breathing has become an accomplishment (that I feel no positive sense of success about anyway) now that I’ve lost any and all sense of worth. I miss my old self. It almost feels like a living death. And I can’t imagine what life this now hollow shell of myself is supposed to have.
 
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SadRainbow

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 5, 2021
Messages
1,971
Location
Norfolk
I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. I hope you find some comfort here on the forums. I relate to the feeling of missing yourself. I lost myself a few months ago and I really miss that person. I like the way you write by the way 🙂
 
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Sarabi_Gyarados

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 20, 2019
Messages
308
Location
UK
You talk about thinking you have ADHD and also some untreated trauma. I suspect a lot of how you feel is down to these two things. Please start very small. Even if you don't think there's a point, act as if there is. Have that shower, get something nice for yourself and allow yourself to enjoy it. How you feel is okay, it can be very normal. You're very young. There is help and support for you.
 
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Lucy87x

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 15, 2021
Messages
210
Location
N. wales
So sorry u are feeling like this we are here for u and although u feel u do nothing but lie on the sofa well done for reaching out on here and getting out of bed to go on the sofa. Youre a very courageous strong person perhaps phone your doctor as you shouldnt have to live liek this with all this pain and try and remember its not you it is a very bad illness Lots of hugs xx
 
Northern Girl

Northern Girl

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 1, 2019
Messages
234
Location
England
Hi and welcome to the Forum. :welcome:

I'm sorry you're having this hard time.

You're not alone and others on here will relate to what your feeling and going through.

I also have missed the person i used to be when i was unwell and struggling.

Now I'm much better and more happy with the person i am.

It's a challenge coming to terms with changes that have occurred due to recently being diagnosed as Autistic and although i do have days that are more difficult coming on here helps.

Having a very low mood and little or no motivation is something i am very familiar with.
I have done exactly the same, stayed in bed or on the couch and done very little.
The anxiety and panic i found scary but eventually i got help through my GP and the CMHT here in the UK.

I hope by sharing on the Forum it helps you and you are able to access some help that will
make things better for you.

:grouphug:
 
C

cathanifrind174

Well-known member
Joined
May 5, 2021
Messages
139
Location
Paris, France
Welcome to the forums. I am so happy you have made this first step to reach out and describe what your feeling to an online forum. It's not a solution but it's a start. I'm so sorry life has been hard and there are times when we feel that we don't have the energy to do all what we have to do and mental health issues make it worse. Lacking any motivation or joy is a symptom of depression. Are you taking any medications or doing psychotherapy? You never know, speaking to someone and trying out the different treatments out there can help.
 
M

MudBug

New member
Joined
Oct 12, 2021
Messages
4
Location
Colorado
Thank you everyone for the very sweet replies, it means a lot.

@SadRainbow I appreciate you saying you liked my writing. Family and friends have always told me to be a writer and it’s a dream I’ve long had. Whenever I can finally push through this thick veil of depression a writing career is at the top of the list of things I’d hope to accomplish and find joy doing.

@Sarabi_Gyarados you’re very right that the ADHD and unresolved traumas have played the biggest roll in pushing me into this depressive spiral. There is fresh trauma and then there are things from childhood that I’ve had counselors say could even be manifesting as C-PTSD. Past attempts at therapy have just led to feelings of overwhelm, like there’s too much to unpack and I don’t know where to start. Thank you for recommending to start small. I’ve read that a lot. I suppose I get impatient with the idea of starting small but it’s better than nothing at all.

@cathanifrind174 to answer your question, I’m not currently taking any medications. I have tried medicating in the past and had a bad experience (essentially a schizo-effective episode which was a new trauma in itself) so I’m now very weary of medications. I’m open to trying meds again but I think they will always backfire without some intense CBT before hand.

Thank you again everyone for your love and support. One of my biggest challenges is that I have essentially no support system. Relationship with my family is essentially non-existent and often very toxic. So the feeling of deep worthlessness and like I deserve isolation stems a lot from that sense of the people on earth who should care the most not caring at all. So with that said, reaching out on forums like this one has become a crucial outlet. Thank you for taking the time to read and respond to my struggles.

:hug1: ❤
 
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Lucy87x

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 15, 2021
Messages
210
Location
N. wales
well you have a support netwwork with us :) you dont deserve isolation u deserve to look after youself and happiness x
 
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Sarabi_Gyarados

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 20, 2019
Messages
308
Location
UK
This can be a support system for you. You aren't alone. Keep posting.
 
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