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I can’t explain myself clearly

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EstherRose94

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I was trying to tell bf how I felt and it just like wouldn’t come out right. He says that he thinks we’re not a good match but that I won’t admit it to myself. No, I’ve realized that at least rationally. I was telling him I’m feeling sensitive and need him to be extra gentle. The past couple weeks I just haven’t been feeling the love as much as before. I don’t think it’s his fault I just want his help to get back to that place I was in before, feeling emotionally close and excited about it. I’ve been feeling off. He thinks I’m trying to force our relationship into working and that we can’t predict how it will go or if and when it’ll end. I don’t want it to end ever, for many reasons including the right ones. I didn’t mean to get into such an intense discussion and I feel guilty for that now. He’s sick and it tired him out. He’s fallen asleep. (Snoring lol). I love him so much, like I really genuinely do. At times his attitude seems brazen to me. At times being with him doesn’t feel as much like home as I think it should. Idk how to fix that or if I’m worrying about the wrong things. Whenever I try to tell him it seems stupid. But at the same time I know we’re like not on the same page in many big ways. I just try not to dwell on those. They might be sneaking back into my head.

The thing is I’ve always had anxiety, just not this much. Not quite. But he and I started dating at the same time we started grad school. Those are a lot of changes and a lot of stress. I went from breezing (autocorrected to breeding, yikes) through college with all As and lots of praise to a grad research position with plenty of criticism and “let’s start over on that project again” that I find super discouraging and honestly depressing. At the same time bf wanted to know about my past relationships, and when he was disappointed to learn something he didn’t hide it. We differ in a lot of ways and even after the early relationship jealousy wore off, we still get into our fair share of disagreements. I’m not used to confrontation or even disagreeing. I either don’t get close enough to people for them to give a crap how I think or I just concede because I don’t care. Now it matters. Now I have to share how I feel. I have to stand up for myself. I have to know my stance and express it, at work and at home. I’m not so hot at either. I easily fall into thinking “that stung a little, it must be super wrong for someone to say to me”. Especially with bf.

I’m a people pleaser. It’s hard to accept that I can’t always please my boss or my boyfriend. I wish that bf would just tell me what I want to hear but he’s a realist who will always give me the objective truth. That includes that he loves me. That he thinks I’m a cool person. And also that he sees us being probably too different to work. And that he still wants time to focus on himself. Idk how to focus on myself or how to be content with my rose colored glasses being swiped from me. I really just kinda want those back. I’d LOVE to have a life of ignorant bliss. My brain and my emotions are tired.
 
LittleMissNameless

LittleMissNameless

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It broke my own heart to read your suffering. I feel this on such a deep level. I'm sorry that your struggeling.
 
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EstherRose94

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Thanks. I know I royally messed up with him again. He’s upset with me or upset because of me at least. I feel awful.
 
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EstherRose94

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But I can’t just relate to him as a human lol. Without thinking “this has to be good, it has to feel perfect, why doesn’t it feel perfect, what’s wrong?” Like all the time. I think during these times that I just can’t handle a relationship this serious right now because I come outside of myself and analyze things and don’t just live.
 
AnxiousE

AnxiousE

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Thanks. I know I royally messed up with him again. He’s upset with me or upset because of me at least. I feel awful.
I suppose I can't speak for little miss, but I don't think they were saying you're to blame.

I dunno. I relate to this strongly too and yet I feel like he (my hubby) is the problem most of the time. Once again, I'm not diagnosed with BPD, but others have observed traits within me and I do relate to a lot of what other suffers experience. So, like I said, I don't know. Don't know if I do have some sort of personality disorder, or it is him just being a selfish jerk. Know what I mean? And I don't know what the truth is in your case. All I can say is that it sucks for all of us! But you're definitely not alone. :hug:
 
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EstherRose94

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Oh I know she wasn’t. I just felt like I was. But I’m not diagnosed either, I’ve been like unofficially diagnosed with traits. Yeah my bf makes poor word choices and such at times too so I know it’s like not just me but I also know I know him well enough that it’s like okay he picks he words poorly sometimes but he loves me still and I shouldn’t go bananas.
 
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